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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he been lying to me?

94 replies

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 19:42

Since I've known him, my partner has gone on at length about his awful childhood at the hands of his foster parents, he received many beatings, including a fractured sternum and skull whilst in their care. He hasn't seen them for years, he doesn't call or send cards. He mentioned he couldn't understand why people like that got paid to foster etc etc and that the council should have to pay compensation for placing him there. I asked him once why he didn't get moved if it was so bad but he said that his foster parents always put on a good front to the authorities.

We went to visit relatives of his last night and the conversation turned to other relatives. While listening to his uncle I learned that the foster parents were his actual parents. His foster siblings were his brother and sister. There was no mention of those awful injuries, or the repeated beatings, just that his mum was difficult to get on with.

He must have noticed that I looked puzzled, as when we left he said he had felt like a foster child. After asking me never to mention anything about the subject to his relatives, he then revealed his dad used to interfere with the other (foster?) children and I would cause problems if "I raked up the past by asking questions".

I tried to bring it up again when we got back to his but he refused to discuss it. I'm now questioning everything, when we've had problems in the past he has blamed it on being a foster child and his experiences and insecurity about that. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt but right now I feel like he's let me down. There is something nagging my gut now, am I right to feel like this or am I reading too much into things?

OP posts:
Doha · 22/12/2012 08:30

Happy birthday Smile Grin

Cabrinha · 22/12/2012 09:18

What a great birthday present to yourself! Freedom from an arsehole!!

What struck me reading the thread, was even without the big foster child lie, he was just an arse! With all the ignoring etc... It doesn't matter the truth of his family background - he's just not nice enough to be with, end of.

Have a fabulous, much lighter, birthday and Xmas!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2012 12:39

Happy birthday. Enjoy it as a single girl, without this millstone around your neck x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 12:54

Happy Birthday from me too Xmas Grin. I think you're getting the silent treatment at the moment because he realises he's been rumbled. By avoiding you he's gambling that you'll get anxious and be so grateful when he does get in touch that you'll have forgotten all about the awkward business of him making things up about his past.

Your friend sounds like a diamond. Have a better day.

suburbophobe · 22/12/2012 14:27

Happy Birthday! Thanks

The best present you can give yourself. Getting rid of this awful man.

Not only lying to you but trying to isolate you from your friends (shudder!).

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 22/12/2012 17:46

Happy Birthday! Wine

FestiviaBlueberry · 23/12/2012 14:13

Hope you had a good birthday!

izzyizin · 23/12/2012 14:17

Hope you're laying on your sofa watching movies ALONE, honey!

EleanorGiftbasket · 23/12/2012 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 23/12/2012 19:10

Another one to wish you a happy Birthday!

I spent 10 years with an abuser. Your boyf is the epitome of what an abuser is. He is poison. Every single red flag that identifies an abuser, he has in spades. Every single one. Please, please , please, you have to bin this horrid man, he would ruin you, your life and any future you have.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 23/12/2012 21:43

Hello all, I'm pleased to report I had a lovely fun filled night on Saturday, just what the doctor ordered! I was a little frail this morning though!

I have been in my pjs, watching Gone With The Wind followed by the show jumping at Olympia.

Almost alone, my two lovely Labs are keeping me company. :-D

No word from him at all, when I switched my phone on today there hasn't been any missed calls. So he wasn't even arsed it was my birthday. I've had a lovely day and I'm fighting fit to call him tomorrow to get this over and done with. It will be a very short conversation, I'll get my piece in quick so he has no comeback.

Roll on tomorrow!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/12/2012 21:54

Hurrah for you - you rock, girlfriend!!!

What a self-obsessed selfish fucker to ignore your birthday - have some more Thanks and Wine to make up for yet another demonstration of his twuntishness.

Can't wait for your update tomorrow and, in the meantime, please give your glorious Labs a big hug from me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2012 22:53

Come back and tell us when the deed is done x

Cabrinha · 24/12/2012 00:40

Are you going to make a special call to dump him then? I don't think I'd bother! If he calls again you can reply "who...?" ;0)

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 26/12/2012 02:09

Finally. It's done.

I got heartily sick of him not picking up the phone, so I left a message earlier tonight saying I couldn't see a future for us and that I'd be round to pick up my bits and prices when I get off duty tomorrow.

However, 5 minutes later I got a phone call saying it was time we talked. I quietly repeated the above, saying I was at work so I was unable to talk for too long. I couldn't resist saying if he was so keen about wanting to talk to me, ignoring my previous calls had not been the best way to go about it. I know that was a bit childish. He kept saying I was being "unreasonable" so I said I had to go and hung up.

I did feel a lot lighter immediately, I know it's the right thing for me. I thought I'd cry but I didn't, I was surprisingly calm. New Year, new start.

Thank you all, Thanks

OP posts:
MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 26/12/2012 04:10

Well done! Bet you feel a ton and a half better!
Before you venture out into the dating world again, may I suggest you read this thread, it is very informative:

redflags

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 04:54

Are your bits and pieces valuable or essential to you? If not, why don't you bin them along with him? Job done and no need to 'talk' or see him again.

If decide to go pick them up can you get a friend to accompany/drive you and wait in the car while you do a quick grab and run number?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 26/12/2012 08:35

Glad you've extricated yourself from this in one piece and are feeling strong. Be ready for some fabulous story when you do go to pick up your stuff. He's had days to work on plot, characterisation and script....

Allergictoironing · 26/12/2012 09:27

Be ready for him to keep trying to get back together with you for a while - he'd found someone who had believed his lies, and that he'd already half trained into adjusting their behaviour to fit in with him.

You do realise that you'll be "the ex who split up with him by text"? That was my first thought when you said he'd ignored your calls, that the ex who'd dumped him by email had probably resorted to that as he wouldn't answer her calls.

Take a mate with you when you pick up your things - assuming he does let you in to get them!

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