It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end...the crap continues and I need hand holding again please

[chocoreturns]

So, I guess I'm at a WWYD moment. I have thrashed it out in my own head every which way I can and come up with nada, no solution. Zip. So I am turning to the collective wisdom of MN to help me out. I figure a quick straw poll of you lot will tell me pretty swiftly what my next step should be.

It all boils down to contact with my twunt STBXH for my boys, now aged 2 and a half, and nearly 6 months. This is the current set up: I drive them half an hour away to my MIL, EOW on both a Saturday and a Sunday morning. I sit in a hotel cafe for an hour and a half on both days to wait for our baby to be brought back. Usually DS2 is returned within the hour. I then drive home. Total time spent doing this, 3 hours on both days. I get zero child free time as a result, bar the forty five minutes or so in the cafe waiting with a cup of tea. DS1 is then played with by STBXH until around 4.30, MIL makes all their meals and then MIL ferries DS1 home to me.

STBXH does not pay for his Mum's travel costs, or contribute anything to the cost of putting him up with his girlfriend (who was the OW) every other weekend. He does travel about 3 hours by car to stay there. MIL did not want his gf to stay with them, because she was utterly devastated by their affair but twunt told his mum that unless she put up his gf as well as him, he would simply stop coming to see the boys. MIL has decided to do what he has told her to because she can't bear the thought of him giving up on the children altogether. I think she's mad, but I say nothing - their relationship is none of my business. I don't like being lied to (they have all maintained that OW didn't meet DS's until last weekend but she's been coming since DS2 was born) but realise I can't do anything about that.

Anyway that info is purely to avoid drip feeding, it may or may not be relevant. The place I'm at now is that (bar the drive to stay at MIL's) twunt STBXH does nothing to take responsibility for his time with the DS's. He does not arrange activities, pay for anything they do, cook or contribute to the cost or effort of bringing the boys to see him. Most of that is done by MIL or I. I can see what a strain it's putting MIL under. We have a good relationship and she is often in tears at my house. Her own DH is undergoing treatment for cancer while they play host to STBXH and his girlfriend and our kids EOW. I don't feel I can keep letting things carry on like this indefinitely because it's so unfair on them. They are in their late sixties, dealing with a possibly terminal illness, and all this cost/effort too. I know they do it because if they didn't, he would probably not bother to see our kids.

I'm reaching a point where I personally think that's not a bad thing. Contact was suspended for 5 weeks recently due to him bullying and intimidating me through contact, the kids didn't even notice he was gone. Everyone else did though - the opportunity to relax was amazing and I saw the benefit not just on me, but on MIL and her DH.

I am considering saying to him in the NY that the current arrangements do not work for me, so I will no longer be ferrying the kids to him or waiting around all morning. If he wishes to see them I'll facilitate a reasonable amount but I won't be taking them to MIL any more. If he wants to see them there he has to come get them at the very least. I suspect if I ask him to tell me exactly what contact he wants, he won't bother. So, after that epic post. WWYD? Carry on as we are so the boys have some pathetic relationship with him? Or stop it as I can see the arrangements are taking advantage of his mum and wearing people down, but risk him not seeing them at all?

Wobbly she is highly likely to get upset and defensive. Her reactions are always along the lines of 'you must have misunderstood' or 'that will be so hard on him'.

Very sadly narcissists are made, not born. It is all in the parenting.

(I was stupid enough to think my luurve would heal him and I could change him, now I live my karma for being so wilful and controlling, what about you? Mind you, they are so overwhelming and wonderful at the beginning, it is why I can't be angry with OW, she fell for the same thing I did...)

Onwards and upwards, Wobbles. Less people pleasing, more sense of self, more recognising and owning needs, more boundary lines and stating them clearly.

All this trying to change and assert one's self in face of someone to whom that is an active threat, is such hard work! Why can't we just change because we want to!

Less people pleasing, more sense of self, more recognising and owning needs, more boundary lines and stating them clearly.

Yes, that's it exactly - time to put best foot forwards and do the best thing I can today. I get daily be happy quotes in my inbox. Yesterdays was 'May your past make you better, not bitter'. I shall quietly take note.

Still trying to work out what to say to her. I think probably nothing will be the right thing, so perhaps less is more. 'I am going to do X because I can no longer do Y. I just wanted to let you know that the arrangements will be changing in the New Year.' - no explanation at all.

Midwife99

Choco, I remember the imaginary letter you wrote on a thread a few weeks ago. Your ex sounds like a complete twunt, and to be quite honest, if he takes a step away from your DC as a result, I think this could only be a good thing for them in the long term.

I think the best thing to do is to suggest that contact changes to one day, every other week. Your ex collects DC from your home at X time, and returns DS2 back to you after 1 1/2 hour or so. He can then take DS1 for the rest of the day, returning at X.

If he decides to bring DC to MIL's, that is up to him, but you shouldn't be lifting and laying to facilitate his visits. Think about it, you are running around and waiting 3 hours a day, both days .

Absolutely. If he takes them to visit MIL that's up to him but you lie in a hot bubble bath with a glass of champagne for a whole hour get on with things at home while he does!

Choco - while our situations are different, I can feel myself relating to what you say.

My ExP walked out when DS was 6 months old. He works shifts, and when I asked him about contact he just told me he would see DS on his days off (which are not the same every week) and his every other weekend off. When he left our jointly rented place, he refused to pay his half of the rent, so I very quickly had to sort out going back to work earlier than planned.

So initially, while I was on maternity leave I was chasing and chasing him about when he would see DS and getting very non-committal responses or not answering the phone. Then he would call or text at very short notice and expect to see DS. If i dared to mention that it was inconvenient I would get all sorts of angry responses about me stopping seeing him. I felt so guilty I would drop everything and bend over backwards. I was missing dental appointments (which I had to pay for ) rearranging KIT days with work etc etc.

Then I went back to work - wrote to him in advance and explained that I would no longer be able to accommodate last minute etc (wrote as communication was that bad by this point) and that DS needed some routine so pretty much begged him to come to som sort of regular arrangement with me. He flipped. So for the first few weeks I found myself running round in circles, getting my parents involved to help me while I was at work so that they could have DS ready and waiting for ExP.

All the while I said I was prepared to be flexible but had to make it work with my own work and couldn't just work round his shifts. He couldn't get this at all. He thought it was all about my 'control' and made me feel absolutely crap about it.

It was only when a friend pointed out the me that my job was providing 80% of what DS needed (roof, food clothes etc) and that I was looking over DS over 90% of the time, and that my bending over backwards was affecting my job and my stress (and therefore my ability to be there 100% for DS) that it made me think.

I was allowing to DP to make me responsible for his relationship with DS and pick up the slack for his half assed, last minute thinking about his child.

So I made it clear that I was not going to do it anymore, and that DS would only be available at certain times. Even then I roped my parents into helping out to make him available more often, but DP rarely took it up. So now we are down to every other weekend. For a while DP tried to get out of that too by saying he had no time to socialise etc. When I made it clear it was every other weekend or nothing it finally sank in, so now that's where we are.

Don't let you ex bully you into thinking this is your responsiobility. It trully isn't As you can see I have had a similar situation and once I let go of trying to be responsible for their (DS and EX) relationship things improved drastically. Both at home and at work and with DS. He is far more settled now. believe me.

I know deep down I'm afraid that him being 'responsible' will mean he does sweet F.A. When that happens (because I'm coming to see it is a when, not an if) I will feel that hurt for my children, and be afraid they will blame me for him not wanting to see them.

I wish I didn't know it, and will make sure I don't engage with anyone who might tell me more upsetting stuff in the future, but I also recently found out that the 'bitching' about me started immediately I had DS1. That I was lazy, fat, couldn't be bothered to get the shopping in and make dinner for H. Etc etc. I am starting to realise I was always a useless expendable idiot to XH and he was always going to crap all over me an our children. And maybe it's better to provoke the inevitable arguments/indignant righteousness etc so that he just gets to where he's going faster (and gets on with blaming me for doing it, which he always has).

I always err on the side of hopefulness but there's sod all improvement to hope for, is there? purple I completely relate to your post. It's so sad. I'm really glad you've taken back control and it's working for you though. x

something that might be worth considering , choco, is whether or mot you would want a man of his stunted and lacking character to have influence over your dcs if he wasn't their dad . cos I doubt it. in the which case, a diminution of their relationship now would be better for them , a better act of parenting , than what you are struggling to achieve now. they may blame you- DS1 is very angry when I brush his teeth.- but you would still be right to let it lapse.

choco, it's to your credit that you are still willing to believe the best in people but in this case you have overwhelming evidence that there is absolutely no 'best' inside him. I said on another thread that if you want to give people the benefit of the doubt, some of those people will take the piss. It's your choice but what you don't get to choose is always being nice and always getting nice back in return.

You have tried more than it is reasonable to have tried. You have done enough.

you're right, of course. I've got a plan.

No explanation or fuss. I'll simply send a letter after Christmas saying that my commitments have changed and the current arrangement no longer works for me. The children will be available at the same times so I will await his suggestions as to what to do.

I need to let go of the worry and give him the chance to step up or step down, whichever suits him. I'll make sure the kids are ok either way. I'm done with fretting myself sick about him. This year is about me and the DC not twunt and OW.

And, may I wish you and the children a great 2013!