It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end...the crap continues and I need hand holding again please

[chocoreturns]

So, I guess I'm at a WWYD moment. I have thrashed it out in my own head every which way I can and come up with nada, no solution. Zip. So I am turning to the collective wisdom of MN to help me out. I figure a quick straw poll of you lot will tell me pretty swiftly what my next step should be.

It all boils down to contact with my twunt STBXH for my boys, now aged 2 and a half, and nearly 6 months. This is the current set up: I drive them half an hour away to my MIL, EOW on both a Saturday and a Sunday morning. I sit in a hotel cafe for an hour and a half on both days to wait for our baby to be brought back. Usually DS2 is returned within the hour. I then drive home. Total time spent doing this, 3 hours on both days. I get zero child free time as a result, bar the forty five minutes or so in the cafe waiting with a cup of tea. DS1 is then played with by STBXH until around 4.30, MIL makes all their meals and then MIL ferries DS1 home to me.

STBXH does not pay for his Mum's travel costs, or contribute anything to the cost of putting him up with his girlfriend (who was the OW) every other weekend. He does travel about 3 hours by car to stay there. MIL did not want his gf to stay with them, because she was utterly devastated by their affair but twunt told his mum that unless she put up his gf as well as him, he would simply stop coming to see the boys. MIL has decided to do what he has told her to because she can't bear the thought of him giving up on the children altogether. I think she's mad, but I say nothing - their relationship is none of my business. I don't like being lied to (they have all maintained that OW didn't meet DS's until last weekend but she's been coming since DS2 was born) but realise I can't do anything about that.

Anyway that info is purely to avoid drip feeding, it may or may not be relevant. The place I'm at now is that (bar the drive to stay at MIL's) twunt STBXH does nothing to take responsibility for his time with the DS's. He does not arrange activities, pay for anything they do, cook or contribute to the cost or effort of bringing the boys to see him. Most of that is done by MIL or I. I can see what a strain it's putting MIL under. We have a good relationship and she is often in tears at my house. Her own DH is undergoing treatment for cancer while they play host to STBXH and his girlfriend and our kids EOW. I don't feel I can keep letting things carry on like this indefinitely because it's so unfair on them. They are in their late sixties, dealing with a possibly terminal illness, and all this cost/effort too. I know they do it because if they didn't, he would probably not bother to see our kids.

I'm reaching a point where I personally think that's not a bad thing. Contact was suspended for 5 weeks recently due to him bullying and intimidating me through contact, the kids didn't even notice he was gone. Everyone else did though - the opportunity to relax was amazing and I saw the benefit not just on me, but on MIL and her DH.

I am considering saying to him in the NY that the current arrangements do not work for me, so I will no longer be ferrying the kids to him or waiting around all morning. If he wishes to see them I'll facilitate a reasonable amount but I won't be taking them to MIL any more. If he wants to see them there he has to come get them at the very least. I suspect if I ask him to tell me exactly what contact he wants, he won't bother. So, after that epic post. WWYD? Carry on as we are so the boys have some pathetic relationship with him? Or stop it as I can see the arrangements are taking advantage of his mum and wearing people down, but risk him not seeing them at all?

Wow - I sound so strong!!

Not saying this man isn't despicable, but this woman sounds like an absolute, scum of the earth cunt!
Wtf to her dramatic running outside when you arrive, and wtf to her even being there. Why? Just so she can pretend they're her sons and play happy families? 'Practice' for when she gets knocked up?

Is she by any chance sixteen? FFS.

Sorry for the rant just soo disgusted on your behalf. They fucked in your home? The home you had your babies in?

They were made for each other. Fucking trash!

Ahem... Carry on

Special he's a right charmer -he moved in the OW to their home while Choco was away with her little DS, visiting family, and fucked her in their bed. Next to the little one's cot.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty raging at him, I confess, but oh my goodness he deserves it. He and OW deserve each other, the foul specimens. What they don't deserve is two little boys to treat like objects and then not care for properly, nor choco to be waiting on their convenience while they do it!

And I say again - GRRRRRR!!! Oooh how I wish I had mastered the art of bursting that ventricle just by the power of my mind like those cool guys in 1970s sci fi films!!

Since your MIL is so kind and helpful I would try and separate the contact your children have with her and the contact they have with their Father as separate visits. I would stop driving them to his contact place and say he must come and pick them up himself.

After reading blackcurrents post... OP you must be some sort of saint.

I would have taken him to the cleaners and denied as little contact as possible after the asthma incident!

Offer him access when it suits you, he can pick them up and drop them off. If he doesn't want to do this, fine.

Keep lovely MIL in DC's lives.

They are surrounded by love. They don't need to be carted off to be reminded they are not loved by this prick. (Obviously I have no idea if he does or doesn't, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how they'd interpret it)

Sounds like he's completely written them off and is only maintaining contact because it's the last way he can exert control over you, and he thinks he's hurting you by having OW there. He's made zero attempts to bond with his baby son. What does that tell you?

Sorry to be harsh but I think he's decided he's 'done' with you three and wants to start 'fresh.' Hence baby talk with whore OW.

Sorry. :(

OK, very long thread, CBA to read it all (sorry) but my first thought is this:

Why does your STBXH not drive to you, collect the boys, take them away and then drive them back again? Why can he not keep the baby for more than an hour? BFing? Fair enough, then he takes baby off for an hour or two locally, then brings him home, then takes DS1 to his mother's overnight and returns him the following day.

I know you don't get any child-free time that way, but let's face it you wouldn't get much child-free time with a 6 month old baby anyway.

It's not your job to facilitate contact, get the kids dressed and make sure they have all they need and wait for him to knock at the door.

As for your mother in law, it seems she is the person who started this letting him get away with shit and I would tell her that you are happy to have her visit you and the kids at home, you love her and want to have a relationship with her but STBXH will have to pull his fingers out of his arse and make an effort to have a relationship with his children. This means being able to comit to seeing them regularly without resorting to emotional blackmail or having everyone else running around after him, treating him like the second coming.

Exactly MC. Your only responsibility is to allow him to have access to the children. the rest should be entirely down to him. If he has chosen to move miles away from them then that is his problem, not yours. He has the rest of his week child-free so why are you bending over backwards to make it easy and convenient for him? Make it your NY resolution to be more assertive.

Exactly, Skye. this is no ordinary whore. This is a CRB-checked whore

But I definitely agree you should keep the good relationship with your MIL separate from the bad one with him. She may get it in the neck from him as a result but to be honest, if she won't tell him to fuck off that's her problem.

And another thing - why does he want to have a baby when he can't cope with the ones he already has without mummy there to do the donkey work? Does he really think uttertramp teen angel will let him disappear for the whole of every other weekend to see the boys without complaining? You can see the disaster happening before your eyes can't you?!!

"why does he want to have a baby when he can't cope with the ones he already has without mummy there to do the donkey work?"

Because he's sentimental and thinks he's a great dad.

And because now he knows how badly you can get away with treating a woman if you tie her to you with children.

Sorry, choco, no advice for you. Cogito said it all.

Just lurking and wishing you well.

DD3 is almost exactly the same age as your DS2.

He must be so gorgeous now, but his worthless father sends him away :(

Happy Christmas , take care of yourself and your lovely family.

Oh GOD is OW a teenager?!

OP I really think you deserve to be knighted.

Henceforth, you shall be known as Dame Choco.

*Because he's sentimental and thinks he's a great dad.

And because now he knows how badly you can get away with treating a woman if you tie her to you with children.*

This exactly Sleighbells.

I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason OW has to come on his weekends is so he can manipulate her into feeling maternal. :(

Quick thought - I'm surprised you do this on Sat & Sun. One day more than enough ? Occasionally ? Once a month ?

Choco, hello! Having read everyone else's wise words, I'm not sure there's a lot I can say that hasn't already been said better.

Any Fucker's advice stands out for me, but it seems to be pretty much the general consensus that you don't need to try and help him, its his responsibility to make the effort and the less you have to engage with him, the better it will be for you (& even for him in the long run, as he needs to step up, grow up and sort himself the fuck out, especially if he may end up juggling two families).

You can't force him to be in the boys lives and if he decides its all too much bother you know that will actually be a blessing. They will always have your lovely family, your friends, the best mum they could wish for (and who knows, maybe one day a lovely step-dad?!)

You know what you need to do and hopefully you will find the strength to do it xxx

How are you today, choco ? I was trying to.remember how old your DS2 is - six months is such a scrummy age! I remember ds trying to sit up but with a wonky bottom, kept sliding.off to.the left and then laughing at himself from the pile of cushions!

Hmmm. Considering how well he arranges life to revolve around him, he is going to be a tycoon in life.

As to your MIL, well Choc, how do you think he got to be so selfish?

It is up to him to see his children, not have all these women run around after him.

Good luck with learning not to enable.

(Curious) what job does arsehole have? He must be very successfull. Narcissists usually are in the corporate world.

Choco, how open is your lovely MIL to his faults? Will she even get what you are trying to say, or will she get helpless/defensive?

Maybe we should be focussing on what soothing things you can say to MIL in your message 'this will no longer be happening'. And making your own arrangements to visit her for lovely afternoons...

Having a dad around is lovely and worth accommodating if he genuinely cares for and places his children first.

I only asked to be told so I could answer questions from DS1 if he had any, with a united front. Instead DS1 has actually been using a fake name for her to try and hide the fact he's been spending time with her... how ridiculous is that??

Those are not the actions of a man who is trying help his children through a difficult time. In fact, nothing he has done so far has demonstrated that he is doing anything other than suiting himself and in the process, he is actively harming them.

I know all you want is to help your DSs have a happy, strong relationship with their DF but he isn't willing to do anything to achieve that. He isn't even willing to look after their basic needs. You can't change him or his attitude but you can change how much confusion, heartache and even physical harm your DSs encounter. Don't feel that having a dad in their lives is worth any price - it really isn't.

Is OW a naive teenager that he has hoodwinked? It is extremely likely he will discard her when she is pregnant or has small children. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

OP lots of great advice here. Wishing you luck in standing up for yourself as well as your boys.

Choco, I think it might be time to give this prick what he wants.

Stop taking the children to your MIL. She can visit you when she wants to see the children.

I can't even process what I want to say as I am so at him.

Just stop trying to give your children a father. They don't have one. They have a mum who is amazing. They have a Granny who loves them. They don't need much more.

Have a lovely Christmas with your boys, your baby's first one and next time this toxic family tell you shit about your ex and his tart tell them you don't want to hear it. Or better still ask them why they think you would want too. I can't stand people whose desire for gossip outweighs the best needs of the listener.

hello - gosh, what a unanimous response! It feels like homecoming to have all you lot give me a big virtual talking to hug. I didn't manage to talk to MIL today as it was too manic with my DC, my Dsis, DF and DM and stepDFIL all around. I will have to do it quietly at a later stage. Considering writing a letter and asking her to sit with me and read it, but don't know how that will go. Wobbly she is highly likely to get upset and defensive. Her reactions are always along the lines of 'you must have misunderstood' or 'that will be so hard on him'. She usually does what she can to help me but I'm not convinced she allows herself to see his faults in all their technicolour, no.

As for his job, well... He's slightly less qualified than a nurse and works in the NHS at a very junior level, as does his gf. To hear him talk you would think he was a consultant. (He responded to my email letting him know our baby DS had been seen in hospital for bronchialitis by asking for the exact details of his SATS and not asking how DS actually was. He's all about image.) He would happily give up the job in a heartbeat to go an run a dive shop in Egypt for example, despite telling everyone how amazing he is for completing his 2 year uni course this sept.

Send him over to do a junior non-professional role in my team - I'll sort him out with some "jobs" that'll keep him busy for weeks. How about cleaning the SATS monitors for a start?!!!