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Original poster

In need if a little help wrt AdultWork

81 replies

Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 19:50

Hi, I discovered on Friday night that my husband is a member of the website AdultWork. He asked me to read one of his emails as he was out and needed some info, when looking for the email I discovered an email saying his subscription to something was about to run out. I checked this out as have never heard of AdultWork before. I am furious with H! When he got back I gave him a bollocking and he said it was only porn and that he don't think it would bother me (I don't mind him watching porn).
I'm not an idiot and know this is not the same as regular porn and I'm not happy!
I am also rubbish with any kind of technology and was after a little help finding out what really went on. Some good mumsnet friends showed me to a recent thread about this and I have contacted a very kind mumsnetters who has also helped.
Basically he has subscribed to some profiles although these have now run out, the women he has subscribed to are all local to my area. I'm not quite sure what a subscription means.
Also he has been watching directcam things- is this simply watching or do you talk to/interact with these women?
I would appriciate the help as while all this has been going on I married the twunt and had our dc2- which has been very tough for me, and I am more than happy to leave if he has cheated. But obv I need proof as he won't admit to anything unless I have proof! He tried to deny any knowledge of the websites existence at first!!

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 20:55

No I wouldn't be ok obscured I just think its different. I just need proof I guess as I don't want to leave him if I'm wrong (which I appreciate is unlikely but I have only known for 3 days and until this point would have put my life on the line saying he would categorically never cheat so I guess I'm still getting my head around this!) it's a bit new so I'm not sure how I feel, maybe I just think its not as bad cos in my head I don't want it to be....

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 20:57

No I can't talk to anyone in RL maybe in too embarrassed. I have nc as people know me on here, although I have an anti natal group on fb from here who know and are helping massively

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/12/2012 20:59

I note you've secured the crime scene site, as it were, and I suggest you take some screen shots which can be used in support should you decide to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

I suspect the only way you'll get the truth will be to sink to his level of dishonesty tell him that unless he 'fesses up and gives you chapter and verse, you'll sue for divorce - and don't have any compunction about divorcing him once he's revealed the tip of the iceberg what he's been up to.

Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:00

Badinage it's the feelings that make it worse for me. If he was emotionally attached and wanted to leave me it would be worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:01

Thanks izzyizin. That brought the first smile to my face in a few days.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/12/2012 21:08

I just need proof I guess as I don't want to leave him if I'm wrong

Or, you need 'proof' because without it you have the perfect excuse to stay.

The fact that he has already paid for sexual services would be proof enough for me but I don't think you are ready to come to terms with that yet.

You won't find proof. You can choose to stick your head in the sand and pretend it hasn't happened. But I would be very surprised if you can really do that. You might be able to forgive but you won't forget.

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:13

If he was emotionally attached and wanted to leave me it would be worse.

Oh no!!

Lovey, it should be you wanting to leave him for doing this, not being fearful that he's going to leave you!!

There's nothing 'worse' than a man who pays for sex. He's probably exposed you to god knows what in the way of sexual diseases (no such thing as fully protected sex) and what's worse, if you had sex with him while pregnant your baby could have caught something. He's also squandering your money on sex with other women.

Please don't feel just because you've got children with this disgusting man you've got to stay with him. You'd be granted a divorce straight away for this.

ObscuredByClouds · 18/12/2012 21:16

Ohcrud, I have to agree with the above posters really. If he's visited an escort, he has cheated and says quite a bit about his views of women (can be bought etc). Also agree you should get checked for STIs. My heart goes out to you.

Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:17

Fairenuff and badinage- thanks for your input. I am willing to bet your both right and I just can't accept that right now, maybe to protect myself from all this. What do I do now. Except cry..... Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:17

Thanks obscured.

OP posts:
ObscuredByClouds · 18/12/2012 21:21

There is support for you here when you need it. You must be in such shock :(

ObscuredByClouds · 18/12/2012 21:24

I can only say what I would do and that is, I'd pack his bags ready to throw him out. Not before I'd shown him the screenshots of his AW account though.

For me, it would be a total deal breaker.

What do you feel you want to do?

Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:24

Yes I think I am. I suppose its not sunk in really I had so much faith in him now I am wondering what else he has been up to an feel like our whole relationship is a lie. Suppose thats not easy to digest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 21:28

I don't know. Our baby is only 5 months old and I can't imagine having to share time with the dc's with him. Not only has he messed up our relationship but he will have taken time I should be with my children away as well. He will want joint custody as he simply adores them. I don't know if I could leave because if that Hmm I think we would be over though. I couldn't go back knowing what he has done

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/12/2012 21:29

I would advise seeing a solicitor, just to find out where you stand and what you're options are. There are a lot of women on mn who have been in the position you're in right now and will be able to offer invaluable advice and support.

Don't feel you have to rush into anything. Take your time and keep posting, keep asking for help. You would do really well to speak to someone in RL. You don't have to give details or reasons, just get some support to help you if you do decide to separate.

ObscuredByClouds · 18/12/2012 21:31

If the worry of arranging contact time for DCs is what's holding you back, don't let it. Children are incredibly resilient and they will be fine so long as you both put them first. Honestly.

izzyizin · 18/12/2012 21:37

It's par for the course that he will have been up to other stuff; porn habit, lap dancing clubs, dating sites, escorts/lprostitutes, coming on to other women at work/at play. You name it, he'll have dabbled tried it.

The part of your relationship that's based on a lie is the part where you believed you could trust him to be failthul to you. Unfortunately, as trust is likely to be the cornerstone of your relationship, there's not likely to be much of your marriage left.

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:38

He's unlikely to get joint residence if hasn't been the main carer and it's even more unlikely if you're caring for a baby full time.

I know you're in shock, but as long as you can trust him not to use porn or contact prostitutes while the kids are around, you might learn to value breaks when he has the children. It'll give you time to get on your feet again and in time - meet someone else.

Do go and get some legal advice. I'd also suggest getting some space from him right now. Can he go somewhere else for the time being?

MiniTheMinx · 18/12/2012 22:04

You may never find the proof that he has actually paid for sex, or paid for webcamming. What can be proven without doubt is that he intended to.

If he wanted to look at pictures and imagine himself "buying women" he'd window shop for the best looking not the nearest on the map.

What happens if you can't find your proof? do you go on as before? Can you do that knowing that he was "tempted" and that temptation will always be there because sites like AW and others are going nowhere, they will always be there and so will your feelings of insecurity and doubt. It will eat you up.

I am so sorry and I hope you find the strength to do what's best for you and your DCs.

Have you got family you can stay with over christmas? or move your family in and push him off somewhere? So you can at least enjoy it with your children.

EdithWeston · 18/12/2012 22:13

Sorry to be the one to say this, but you need to book an STI check. It's possible he has put you at risk as you think he could have met someone via this sits.

diamondsnotforever · 18/12/2012 22:31

Ohcrud I am handholding - and I am in a very similar situation. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes the not knowing is very difficult indeed. You just need to give yourself a bit of time and come to terms with the shock. I think you may know one way or the other what you want to do in time. I found out about my H's AW account a few weeks ago, and I was shocked to the core - it got worse when he lied to me about it, but a few weeks in I feel very differently and almost calm. The burning desire to know exactly what he has been up to is reducing - slowly - and I am beginning to accept once and for all that my life and my DCs life needs to move on without him.

I have, for my own peace of mind, had STI checks - Difficult I know, but absolutely not of your making, and no shame in that.

Just be gentle with yourself, find strength from your DCs and friends, let me know if you need anything.

izzyizin · 18/12/2012 22:50

You're not 'the one' Edith; others have said it and it's to be hoped the OP gets herself tested for stis asap.

Needless to say if she intends to continue to have a sexual relationship with her h, the OP should insist he gets himself tested too.

Now I come to think of it I find the thought of where his dick's been boakworthy.

Original poster
Ohcrud · 18/12/2012 22:53

Sorry your having to go through this too diamonds. It's awful, but glad you found the strength to leave your H and I wish you all the best in the future.

I tried to log on to his online phone account but he hasn't activated it or something so could not check his phone bill.

My thoughts at the moment are to tell him that I think with reasonable evidence that he has cheated on me and the only way to work this out is if he admits it, if he denies it rightly or wrongly I won't believe him and the fact that he has brought this situation upon us means we can't continue. If he admits it then who knows if we can work it out or not.

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izzyizin · 19/12/2012 01:03

That seems to be about all you can do, honey.

Needs must when the devil drives and if you have to lie be economical with the actualite to get at the truth, so be it.

Fairenuff · 19/12/2012 08:14

It's my bet that he will swear on your baby's life that he has not cheated. Don't be fooled. Remember Bill Clinton? He looked truthful, he sounded truthful, he made a bold announcement to the world. And then he was provied a liar.