ILs dont want to 'share'

[zinaida]

My sister is staying with us for December (she lives a long way away so this is a massive treat for me). She's been a huge help with the baby and has beem treating me and Dh to lovely meals, no washing up etc. She is ace.

Everyone is invited here for Xmas day but ILs declined and havent said if they plan to see us at all over the xmas period. They live 20 mins away and we have their first grandchild so i was surprised they didnt want to come. I get on well with them generally and they see a lot of us all.

They invited us over for one day after xmas and dont want my sister to come because they dont want to share us. It will be a family get together of 14 people and there is enough space. I think that family should be all about sharing and dont want to go if my lovely sister isnt welcome. What do we do?

We plan to invite both families to all big events in future (xmas, birthdays etc) and i'm hurt at their attitude.

Any advice?

Someone suggested the OP's DH should go to his parents for Xmas.

I missed that!

But the OP isn´t about being invited on CDay.

They are not just rude, it is a direct snub against you and your family!

1. They have declined your invitation.
2. They are excluding your sister (and in fact you too, as they cannot expect you to come without her). They are BANKING on your dh going without you. This is their sure fire way of ensuring they dont have to share their SON.

If ILs are anything like mine, she´s lucky not to be invited

I think it´s rude of them not to ask.

OTOH, if I was staying somewhere, I wouldn´t expect to be asked, nor would I expect my hosts to turn anything down because I was there.

OK well I decided to speak to MIL directly and explain. I'm very conflict averse so it was really hard, my heart was thudding like anything. I said I was so so hurt that they flat out refused to see my family while they're down over christmas eve- boxing day. We invited everyone in August and ILs have been vague up until this week, I had no idea they would refuse to come over as i know they have nothing else on (very small family) and both families have always mixed and got on well before.

MIL flat out refuses to see us while my family are here 'because that's the way we've always done it', 'none of their friends see their DIL's family', and 'her ILs and parents never mixed'.

I cried and said my family were looking forward to seeing them and would be hurt, we could make it a short visit of an hour or so, any time on any of the three days would be fine, and that I just wanted to make everyone happy and that I think she's a lovely woman but am very upset, I was quite emotional

She flat out refused so I said I didn't see why she expected me to socialise with her extended family if she couldnt make the effort to be pleasant to mine, and that my (BF just starting to wean) baby was too young to be sent with just DH for a couple of hours.

I've really searched my soul about this BTW - baby's never had a bottle and is a total boob monster, and my DH works long hours during the week so hardly sees baby awake from Sun to Sat, so I'm very much his primary attachment and I think he'd freak out if he went for a few hours and our car keeps breaking down so there's a very high chance of delay in getting back here.

She's emailed DH saying they're all terribly upset (so are we!), that she's spent years preparing for the day she wouldn't get to spend Christmas with her family (what? The whole point is that we invited them!), that she is just being fair to my family in 'allowing' them time alone with us (which nobody wants, the more the merrier is our attitude)

And that I'm blackmailing them into coming over and she feels terribly sorry for him and loves him very much.

I just don't get it. I'd be perfecctly willing to schedule 'close family only' time after my sister's left, as much as she wants! But I don't see how she expects to explicitly snub my family for ridiculous reasons, knowing how hurt I am about it, and then have me go over to a largeish family party at hers and exclude my sister and play happy families.

There are definitely no personality clashes with my family or she would have mentioned it. Her reasoning to DH about not coming over includes ' xmas eve out of the question because the turkey's being delivered' ???!

DH very upset please don't anyone criticise him he is the best husband in the world and always tries to please everyone.

At the moment it looks like we won't see them over the Xmas period at all. I am a naturally diffident person and I would usually be inclined to do anything to defuse this but I think they're being rude and I'm not standing for it.

If you've read this far, AIBU? Really doubting myself and hate everyone being upset!
at

You haven't done anything wrong. They are selfish bastards

It's not you, it's them

Omfg!!!
They are nuts!!!
Do not see them over Christmas now. You've been very fair and they've thrown it all back in your face. They seriously need to grow up!!!
Keep your DD with you also.....

I can't believe how nuts they are!!!

I really am annoyed on your behalf

So, they don´t want to spend time with your family-fine imo.

But then they don´t get to moan if they don´t see you on a particular day.

My parents & ILs rarely mixed.

It was better that way as my ILs are hard work & pretty much lacking in social skills.

I do think that you & your husband seem to be taking it way too hard, though.

Do people often say no to mil or generally does everyone go along with what she says?

From what you have said I think either she has bitter thoughts from when she was in your position and doesn't see why you should get what you want when she didn't get what she wanted (both sides coming together at xmas). Or she sees herself as the matriarch and you have come in challenging that with your new fangled ideas about Xmas and she is feeling threatened. It doesn't mean you are acting confrontational but it sounds to me that it is being taken on those terms.

She wants you to bend to her terms, hence the emotional email to your dh, the rubbish excuses, the lack of compromise. You can see this because you have offered several compromises and she isn't having any of them.

Ime it is best to stick to your guns and do what you want. At least then you will be happy :) Your dh needs to work on his assertiveness with his mum too as you could fall into the trap of being accused of driving a wedge between him and his mum by her which would get messy and bitter if you continue to be the contact point for 'difficult' conversations with her.

And I hope your DH stands up for you and your DD also...

I think you're right diddl but we're both so used to putting up and shutting up to keep the peace it goes against the grain to draw a line like this.

Thanks for all the comments everyone, nice to know I'm not going mad.

Plus we're both massively sleep deprived and have a lot on our plates (money worries, job uncertainty, possible touch of PND) so might be finding it hard to get perspective- which is why I posted.

YANBU!

Your MIL sounds bonkers and VERY controlling.

I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes, but my instinct is to say that you invited them to yours for Christmas in August and would still like them to come over. If they feel they can't and can't find it in their hearts to invite your sister too, then you will go over to see them when your sister has left.

Thanks, was a bit worried that that came across as harsh.

Well, they´ve cut off their nose to spite their face & I hope that your husband can see it.

As I said, my ILs were happier to see us alone & that is what happened mostly, so I guess I/we got used to it pretty soon & took them at their word-if an invitation was declined, that was it, we didn´t faff about looking for alternatives.

But my husband was pretty happy to see as little as possible of them anyway tbh & any visits are really duty rather than actually wanting to see them.

YANBU. Your MIL is the odd one.

We are going 120 miles to my family on boxing day. When this happened last year and my aunt realised my MIL would be on her own, my aunt invited my MIL, too! I was a bit worried it might be a bit, er noisy, for my MIL but she had a great time and is coming with us again this year.

Sorry, trying to not go off at a tangent, but this is what normal people do at Christmas.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family.

You have both stated your case - just give them a miss over Christmas- it is their loss.

Gosh, how miserable of your ILs.

Your Inlaws are nuts. Totally bonkers, and rude with it. Poor you. And poor your husband having such horrible parents.

YANBU. What a strange and unplesant way for your MIL to behave. Does she have form for this type of behaviour? Were they ok with your wedding?

Odd. Very, very odd. It's your sister FFS, not your entire family plus Aunty Mabel's friend from the church choir.

God that sounds like my parents. Who we are no contact with (neither are his other two kids).

You sent out an invite, it was rejected. Simple.

You have not excluded anyone. They have chosen not come.

Sounds like it's their way or the highway.

This seems rude and rather unchristmassy behaviour. I think they've brought this on themselves if they don't see you over christmas really!

Your mil is barking.