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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ILs dont want to 'share'

84 replies

zinaida · 15/12/2012 22:01

My sister is staying with us for December (she lives a long way away so this is a massive treat for me). She's been a huge help with the baby and has beem treating me and Dh to lovely meals, no washing up etc. She is ace.

Everyone is invited here for Xmas day but ILs declined and havent said if they plan to see us at all over the xmas period. They live 20 mins away and we have their first grandchild so i was surprised they didnt want to come. I get on well with them generally and they see a lot of us all.

They invited us over for one day after xmas and dont want my sister to come because they dont want to share us. It will be a family get together of 14 people and there is enough space. I think that family should be all about sharing and dont want to go if my lovely sister isnt welcome. What do we do?

We plan to invite both families to all big events in future (xmas, birthdays etc) and i'm hurt at their attitude.

Any advice?

OP posts:
GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/12/2012 04:24

Another one saying don't go, and I'd be very upset if DH went along too

Hyperballad · 16/12/2012 04:35

Have you explained how you feel to them?

They might not realise quite how bad this is, they might have reasons you don't know about for not inviting her. If you explain to them everything you've explained to us on here, do you not think they would understand and extend the invite to her?

Give them a chance to change their minds by speaking to them.

kickassangel · 16/12/2012 04:39

My mil is like this all the time about everything. She even tried to get out of us seeing her mother (age 95) over Christmas as she wants us all to herself.

Totally the opposite of my family who are come one come all at these things.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2012 04:48

Don't go & tell your DH that you will be very disappointed in him should he choose not to back you up and go to his parents - they are being rude, childish and manipulative. If they want to be a part of their sons life, no one is stopping them - they have been invited. If you let them 'have their way' now - this wont stop. Stop it before it starts - including DH not going alone when they are being rude (not saying you always have to go when he visits his parents, but him going when they are in one way or another putting 'rules' about you going).

Apart from leaving your sister out - they have 14 people going, how on earth can they say that's 'having you to themselves'?

I do not get why your DH is conflicted. Does he think they are entitled to be rude to you and your family??

Hyperballad - how can two adults not realise how bloody rude it is??? Come on.

Hyperballad · 16/12/2012 05:09

Chipping, I just think people can be too quick to act, as in not going at all, when sometimes a conversation can make people reconsider their original feelings about something.

It might be that from their pov, they already have 14 people attending and perhaps opening it up to her sister might mean they feel obliged to invite another 3 or 4 people.

I just think this sounds more like a misunderstanding than them being out and out rude.

What's the harm in doing what I've suggested? If they understand and extend the invite, happy days. If they don't then it's back to what everyone is suggesting and not to go.

Lavenderhoney · 16/12/2012 05:24

She is your sister, and of course you can't leave her alone, even if she hadn't been such a help. She is part of your family, and should be included. I assume they knew she was coming to stay? I don't see how you or your dh can go, she would feel ostracised and you won't feel welcome much either, if you are only there as dw- when you get married it's about both families, surely?
I don't think they realise how rude they are. Or they do, and don't care as she lives abroad and they don't have to see her.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 16/12/2012 06:11

Agree with notspartacus. Your DH needs to pick up the phone and communicate.

It's perfectly reasonable to explain that you have a single houseguest you cannot and do not want to leave over Christmas.

diddl · 16/12/2012 07:34

I don´t see that they have to invite your houseguest.

I also don´t see that you need to attend whilst you have a houseguest.

I doubt my ILs would invite my sister-they don´t know her.

But I simply wouldn´t go as I would prioritise limited time with her over time with them who I could see anytime.

AuntLucyInTheNorthPole · 16/12/2012 07:40

It is a little rude (although, as a person who finds it hard to relax in the company of strangers, I can see why they might want to spend an hour with you without your sister over Christmas). However, if your sister is with you for a whole month, she might very well be pleased to have a night home to herself. Being a long term houseguest is hard work in itself.

diddl · 16/12/2012 07:42

Ask your sister if she would like some time alone.

WaitingForMe · 16/12/2012 07:45

They don't have to invite her but OP doesn't have to go.

DS is 26 days old and DM is coming for Christmas with ILs coming on the day for lunch. DHs Uncle throws a family party each Christmas eve and I said we could only come if I could bring DM. Perhaps that was a bit cheeky but I'm not leaving a guest in my home alone to go to a party.

Willabywallaby · 16/12/2012 07:49

They are meanies. I would just explain how wonderful your sister has been and you would feel awful leaving her behind. So unfortunately if she's not welcome then they will have to have you over another time.

Feckthehalls · 16/12/2012 08:57

Agree with hyperbalad.
If I was your sister I'd probably quite enjoy an evening home alone anyway.

Allergictoironing · 16/12/2012 09:08

If they live 20 minutes away, surely they are close enough to be able to have time with you on a regular basis anyway?

Wondering if there's a bit of them not wanting to be shown up by your sister, who is spending a month of her own time away from home helping to look after you while they sit there 20 minutes away expecting you to go to them?

Astelia · 16/12/2012 15:11

I find your PIL's lack of invitation for your sister very rude.

We live abroad and it is the convention in our social group that all house guests are invited to functions. You don't leave someone sitting at home alone while you go out partying.

If you have a big house group staying you would be doing your own thing anyway but parents and siblings are often at parties. We find our parents like meeting our friends and we like meeting our friends' relatives.

Wingedharpy · 16/12/2012 15:30

Your sister can come to my house.
She sounds like my kind of house guest.
Tell her not to forget her Marigolds though.

Original poster
zinaida · 16/12/2012 21:49

Thanks for the responses all- I was prepared to be flamed! I won't come back to update any more because the situation's gone critical and everyone is very very upset. I now understand why people get moody round Christmas. Hope you all have a merry one.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/12/2012 21:57

Situation critical & everyone upset???!!!

You can´t leave it at that!

MrsTomHardy · 16/12/2012 21:59

?????

RightsaidFreud · 16/12/2012 22:01

Oh dear- Maybe a family member has seen the thread??

rubyrubyruby · 16/12/2012 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 16/12/2012 22:08

Okay. I think that there are too many unspoken things between everyone in this. I am sorry that everyone is upset. It may be worth parking this invitation and coming back to it in a few days,

I was going to say was that I strongly suspect that the not wanting to share may be directed at your sister. I would not be surprised if the GPs had some expectations or fantasies about coming/helping with first grandchild only 20 min away and that the wonderful and helpful presence of your sister has prevented them accomplishing those fantasies/wishes.

I know that we are all supposed to be rational adults, but people rarely are and there is often more undre the surface when people get upset.

Could they be grieving those fantasies "badly"? I.e. trying to exclude the person they feel is in the way or feel jaleous of, instead of just taking it in their stride and finding other way to be helpful and present?

Btw I am not blaming anyone here. I am just trying to understand what may be going on.

A way forward could be to speak to them and probe/acknowledge their feelings. This does not mean agreeing with them. Just understanding. Then offer an alternative way for them to be present/helpful like your sister has been for you in those weeks with a new baby at home.

nilbyname · 16/12/2012 22:09

Pooh op you cannot leave it like that!!!

JustFabulous · 16/12/2012 22:10

That is a ridiculous suggestion to send DH. Why the fuck should he miss his baby's first Christmas just because his parents are being idiots and petty?!

diddl · 16/12/2012 22:19

It´s not for Christmas Day!

ILs have been invited to that at OPs, but have declined.