Would you end it over this?

[guccigirl666]

Been with dp for 4 years, plans to move in together soon, he is great with my ds from previous relationship and in general things are good. However, when as of last night he is now on his fourth drunk and disorderly in 3 years. He is never violent, but when he's had a bit to drink he can turn into an arse and becomes very arrogant and patronising/ argumentative to any one who annoys him (never me).

He doesn't go out often at all, but when he does it doesn't end well. I'm reluctant to end it because as I said he is amazing 95% of the time, but this is really bothering me to the point where i don't want him to go out because I expect him to end up ina cell for the night.

Am I over-reacting? WWYD?

Thirty years ago, I would have stayed with him and made all kinds of excuses for his behaviour.

Nowadays, not a chance!

Can you talk to him when he's sober about how much this is affecting you? How would he feel about giving up alcohol?

The fact that he has been in trouble with police four times suggests he has a drink problem. I can tell you from bitter experience that this is likely to get worse over time and maybe one day will involve you. The decision is entirely yours to make but I would consider the sort of role model he is for your ds. Getting in trouble with police and out of control drinking is never a good thing and he doesn't appear to be learning from his experiences. Good luck in whatever you decide.

You're not over-reacting. It's a big step to move in with someone, especially when you have children, and it's important that they are reliable, decent and mature enough to handle the responsibility of a family. No-one's perfect but he should have learned from his previous three mistakes, not keep making the same one. If he's been arrested four times, there must be other times when he's had near misses.

I wouldn't be at all confident that his aggression and argumentative nature would be confined to the pub if he was under the same roof 24/7. Crappy example to set to your DS into the bargain. Personally I'd end it because aggressive piss-heads are not my idea of a responsible adult. Certainly wouldn't let him move in.

I would be thinking very carefully about what your future life with this man is actually going to be like and what sort of role model he will be to your son. He certainly does not need a stepfather who has issues re alcohol.

Do you think he has a drink problem?. If he does you cannot help him, he has to want to help his own self. You cannot do that for him.

Id end this, sooner or later it will be you on the receiving end.

I don't think he has a drink problem as he very rarely drinks, every 3 or 4 weeks maybe when he goes out. He stays with us much of the week and I can't fault him on his relationship with ds, he's been in ds' life since he was 4 months old and ds adores him.

But, i think the fact that he never thinks it's his fault yet it's happened again is telling me he is not learning.

Also he isn't violent or even 'shouty', just very up himself when he's had a few so will speak rudely to police officers, which winds him up in a cell...

He does not have to drink every day to have a drink problem.

He never thinks its his fault either; that is also a red flag here re him. He will start blaming you next for his problems.

You really want to tie your hopes and dreams to someone like this?. He may well end up dragging you (and by turn your son) down with him.

So he's an offensive gobshite when pissed. He wants to grow up, he really does. BTW... a 'drink problem' doesn't necessarily mean spending all day every day pissed. Binge drinking, alcohol-induced behavioural problems and the inability to stop after one or two also counts as a drink problem

Have you ever laid it on the line to him that his behaviour is making you reconsider the whole relationship? Have there been any promises of 'never again'.... second/third/fourth chances?

A drink problem is not defined by amount of times spent drinking or volume it is whether alcohol causes problems in life ie trouble with police or relationships etc
My exh drank very rarely but when he did he assaulted me, he also had four dd convictions. The drink controls them that is a problem, it is a big red flag.

Yes the red flag for me is never accepting his part in it. He tried to lie to me this morning and hide what had happened but I found out through his house mate accidentally telling me.

I jsut feel so sad, we have shared 4 years together, he has supported me, loved me, cared for me so I'm so angry at the thought of all of what we have being ruined by his stupid drunken behaviour.

It will carry on and get worse if you facilitate his behaviour by allowing it, they never take responsibility for it they are addicts and live in denial.

That's the fate of all stupid drunks. I should know, I was married to one. They have a potentially great life and a good thing going but they'd rather get pissed and offensive. It's his choice to keep drinking. It's yours to say 'no thanks'.

What was your ex like? Are you comparing this man with him and he looks better on paper?

Ex broke my heart, he had his own issues with depression etc. I'm so scared to end it, ds will be heart broken, I will be too. And just before christmas

If he drinks, then he gets into arguments and gets arrested. Yet he still drinks. So he doesn't want to stop and he doesn't want to take responsibility.
It's not going to get better, it is going to get worse, because sooner or later he will drink in the house and become aggressive towards you and/or DS.

By the sound of it he is nowhere near ready to address his drinking, so telling him to go to AA won't help (though if he does decide to seek help, it's vital to remember that AA is not the best or the only method). Better to bin him and move on, really. It is hard, but it's better than carrying on with him.

You don't have to end it straight away but maybe, given that the last arrest sounds relatively recent, you could tell him this is very serious, you need some time to think and that you need to take a break from each other. Give yourself a bit of space to mull things over, see how you really feel and.... very important.... see how he chooses to respond. If he still persists in saying it's someone else's fault or if he goes out and insults more policemen (and they are not maiden aunts, it has to be pretty bad stuff for them to arrest someone) then you know he's not going to change. It will be sad for DS if that's how it ends up but he deserves better, as do you.

The only way my dp addressed his drinking, which wasn't every day or even every week, but was more like binging, was when I gave him the choice between being a drunken twat or having a family.

I actually think it has to be dealt with by the drinker themselves, but if you are able(and it is hard), then pushing them along to a decision (either way, frankly) by giving them this stark choice and meaning it, helps focus the mind somewhat. For you both.

I told mine that I was in talks with my boss about giving up hours at work and putting dd in nursery longer (all true), so that I could get him out of our lives. I asked him to leave for some weeks after the last episode and left him to work it out, as I really had had enough.

All credit to him he did address it and sort himself out, but it is always there in my head. You would have to be prepared to follow through with anything you decided.

Good luck.

*bingeing??? sp.

It is a big red flag.

I just don't know if it would be best to give him an opportunity or just finish it.

Chances are he changes his behaviour for a while, to keep you, but he'll probably get back at it at some point, probably after you have moved in together and/or you carry his child. I.e. when you are less likely to dump him.