Why do i feel so calm?

[Canweputthetreeupyet]

Dp walked out yesterday after him losing his car keys and blaming me he trashed my house looking for them (think pat sharps fun house but not so fun) he pulled the the xmas wreath off the door and pissed off in my car ( which he takes when we fall out as he bought it).

But im glad hes gone as i am laid in bed thinking about it all. Heres a list of what hes done in the last 3yrs
Lied, physically assualted me (then blamed me for him doing it), verbally abused me, called me names, shouted and screamed at me, told me hes going to get the dcs taken off me, ripped up my entire wardrobe of clothes, he regularly punches my arms (love taps!) i counted the bruises i have 20, does nothing in the house, lays in bed until i take him tea and toast i then have to lay his clothes out for that day he then goes to work comes home expects tea on the table he eats his tea (i miss mine as im too busy sorting dcs out) he then lays on the sofa watches tv until bedtime, while im doing baths, reading and homework, i then have the kitchen to clean make him a cup of tea before i can sit down, if i drop off on the sofa he throws things at me and tells me im lazy (even though im probably doing 16hr days), he doesnt get up with the baby ever, he tells me im a tramp and the house is a mess, he squirted tomato sauce in my hair, tells the dcs to call me names, he held my head under the bath as a joke, he told me that i need to lose my belly if i want him to take me out over xmas, hes a prick with money, tells me im ungrateful, and that he found me with nothing and thats how hes going to leave me.

Thats all i can think off at the minute, i cant wait for him to pick his stuff up. So me and the dcs can relax and enjoy xmas and look forward to a fresh start. I dont want him back at all, im looking forward to getting a whole new me and outlook on life in the new year, i was that scared of his reaction i have stopped wearing make up and perfume and clothes i like as i didnt want to get accused of dressing up to impress.

Apologies for the essay i just needed to write it all down so i can re read if i have a wobble.

I hope you're serious about not letting such a disgusting person back in your life?
Thank god he's gone. Let's hope for good.

Where do you think he is OP?
Has he walked out before?

Remember how you're feeling right now - DO NOT take him back! If he returns and is frightening you, call 999. The police can tell him to go away and leave you alone.

Yes i am very serious, i dont love him and im sick of walking on eggshells, i never know if im in his good or bad books, im 28 and should be in a grown up commited relationship, not this shambles. Im always in the wrong in his eyes even the way i breathe feels wrong it should be in and out not out and in (thats how hes got me feeling)

He will be at his nans, yes its a regular thing, he causes an argument threatens or does leave doesnt contact me for a week, i text apologising even though hes in the wrong and i beg him to come home he does and tells me he done me a favour by coming back. Not this time though.

Another thing is he enjoys putting down in front of people i have been losing my hair and have bold patches he pointed these out to everyone round his nans dinner table.

Glad you're feeling stronger this time. Remember this feeling. I really hope you manage to get away and make the fresh start you so badly want.

Please don't ever let this person back into your life. Don't call or text him and be prepared for him to try and worm his way back in when you don't follow your usual script. You don't deserve any of that horrible treatment, noone does.

Everything he's doing (not just the violence) counts as domestic abuse by the way, which means you can get advice from any number of domestic abuse charities if you wanted to. Well done for making your decision - lots of people get stuck in relationships like this and you've done really well in wanting more for yourself and DCs.

I am going to prove to myself that im not all those things hes called me. I need to get my head around some sort of budget and routine as im that worn down its all gone belly up.

The youngest is, dd was only a few weeks old when we got together so she dotes on him.
Thats what i thought would be the reason for the calmness (is that even a word).

Im a little bit sad as his family are lovely and the closest thing i had to a family now its just me and 3 dc.

As you're getting your head round budgets and routine I'd also recommend getting along to a DIY shop and investing in a few internal bolts for the doors. (Or change the locks if the house is yours) He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a human being. Leave his stuff outside, firmly lock him out and don't return any calls/texts if/when they start....

Good luck

"the closest thing i had to a family now its just me and 3 dc."

You and your DCs are all the family you need. And a much happier, calmer, safer family than one with your ex in the picture. Protect your family at all costs.

I am so sorry canwe . I think you need advice on how to stay safe. He could easily kill you he sounds deranged. Usual posters advise ring woman's aid, tell hv, tell police, change the locks. Good luck. You must be amazingly strong to live with this cruelty. You will fly without it!

I didnt think it was as bad as what it is (sounds thick doesnt it) i always theres women dealing with alot worse than i am but then after lurking on here i started realising just what he was doing

There may well be a few women dealing with a lot worse but the vast majority of women don't experience that kind of behaviour at all, ever. Physically violent, verbal & physical aggression, laziness, criticism, contempt, personal insults, encouraging children to abuse you..... this man is very nasty piece of work and I'm glad you've realised just how appalling and abnormal he is.

So when he comes crawling back again, love, what are you going to do differently this time?

Write a plan, don't be caught off guard

he will pull the "but it's xmaaaaaaas" card. You will cave, unless you are 110% clear about your feelings on this, and resolve to take absolutely no account of his

You know, you didn't HAVE to do any of those things.

Please, please keep this total shit away from you and your children. You're teaching them that it's ok to treat people or be treated like this. If you won't get rid of him for you do it for them.

Call Women's Aid if you need help or the police. Please don't take him back.

Thing is he knew i had been in an abusive relationship before, and he promised me things would be different and they were at 1st.

What gets me the most is he tries to make me feel grateful that he took me and the kids on "no body else would have took you on and gave you what i have you had nothing when i met you, you was a tramp on a council estate" was his favourite statement.

Yeah he did pay and buy me and the kids gifts but they always got threw back in my face, like the car a birthday present hes took it off me 6 times, he got me a phone he took that back, he gave me money for xmas one year i bought clothes he ripped them up.

Then tells me ive got a life of leisure, no worries can do as i want when i want errr no i cant cos you ring me at least 10 times a day

So what's your plan for keeping yourself and your family safe and keeping this abusive man out of your life for good? What are you going to do today to make that happen?

Im going to sort the kids out (ds school has just txd its closed today as the teachers cant get in due icy conditions) then i will have a shower do my hair and put some make up on.

Then ring his mum and arrange for the kids xmas pressies we stashed their to be dropped off at the weekend. She can then take his stuff to his nans.

Lock the front door and leave the key in as hes still got the key for it, will see about getting locks changed (would the council do this for free)

Ignore his calls and texts.

Then i need to try and work out this xmas dinner thing!!

Maybe make safety and security your first priority over things like presents and Xmas lunches? So call Womens Aid first to get their suggestions, then the council or a local locksmith about adding extra security measures.

You're sounding very organised and together at the moment, Canwe, try and stay like that - stay strong and look after yourself. Try and organise getting the locks changed today if you can. Have you got a RL friend you can talk to about it?

Good luck. Write down anything you aren't putting here so that if you waver you can go back and look at it all and remember that you really must not take him back.
New year, new start. x

Bloody hell op! Glad you've reached your lightbulb moment. Never let him back in, and perhaps you can take photos of the trashed house/bruises etc and report him to the police or log the incident.

I really hope your resolve lasts.

Just Get Rid.