Why do i feel so calm?

[Canweputthetreeupyet]

Dp walked out yesterday after him losing his car keys and blaming me he trashed my house looking for them (think pat sharps fun house but not so fun) he pulled the the xmas wreath off the door and pissed off in my car ( which he takes when we fall out as he bought it).

But im glad hes gone as i am laid in bed thinking about it all. Heres a list of what hes done in the last 3yrs
Lied, physically assualted me (then blamed me for him doing it), verbally abused me, called me names, shouted and screamed at me, told me hes going to get the dcs taken off me, ripped up my entire wardrobe of clothes, he regularly punches my arms (love taps!) i counted the bruises i have 20, does nothing in the house, lays in bed until i take him tea and toast i then have to lay his clothes out for that day he then goes to work comes home expects tea on the table he eats his tea (i miss mine as im too busy sorting dcs out) he then lays on the sofa watches tv until bedtime, while im doing baths, reading and homework, i then have the kitchen to clean make him a cup of tea before i can sit down, if i drop off on the sofa he throws things at me and tells me im lazy (even though im probably doing 16hr days), he doesnt get up with the baby ever, he tells me im a tramp and the house is a mess, he squirted tomato sauce in my hair, tells the dcs to call me names, he held my head under the bath as a joke, he told me that i need to lose my belly if i want him to take me out over xmas, hes a prick with money, tells me im ungrateful, and that he found me with nothing and thats how hes going to leave me.

Thats all i can think off at the minute, i cant wait for him to pick his stuff up. So me and the dcs can relax and enjoy xmas and look forward to a fresh start. I dont want him back at all, im looking forward to getting a whole new me and outlook on life in the new year, i was that scared of his reaction i have stopped wearing make up and perfume and clothes i like as i didnt want to get accused of dressing up to impress.

Apologies for the essay i just needed to write it all down so i can re read if i have a wobble.

No one in rl i do talk to his mum as she doesnt excuse his behaviour she will give him both barrels if its needed.

I dont want him back as someone has said he could end up killing me

You'll probably have to pay for the locks to be changed, if it's council you might need to let them know too.

If you're worried about violence if/when he returns also, you can call 101 (police non-emergency number) and explain the situation, they can flag up your address for fast response.

I will ring the council see what they say. I need yo cancel the car insurance as thats due on the 16th but its going to cost me £75 to cancel it which i dont have but if i dont pay it and just cancel the dd i wont be able to get car insurance again will? (If i can afford to buy my own car)

Well done for getting away and for being so strong and organised. I'd agree with almost all the advice you've been given on this thread. One word of warning....you mentioned confiding in his mother. I'd seriously warn against doing this and encourage you to find someone who is neutral to talk to instead. Even the "give him both barrels" comment worries me. She might well side with you and give him a talking to...but then more than likely her attitude will be "well that's him told....he's been punished, he's truly sorry...he's promised me he'll treat you well in future...now you two love each other don't you....well get on with it". You will find it difficult to detach from him if you are still confiding in her.

Shes not like that she knows hes in the wrong she doesnt try to railroad me into going back to him. Thanks for all the replies and advice.

God he sounds vile. There's no way I'd stay with anyone like that. Not for anything.

Sounds like you've made up your mind and good on you. Good luck keeping your resolve.

I think you may be feeling calm because you have clarity and strength to do what you need to do.

I know when I finished with an ex many moons ago after a fight, I felt incredibly calm. I just knew what I was going to do (to get him out) and he knew it too.

Your DD adoring him is bad, you know. She will learn from watching you together that this is how a man who loves you treats you - with contempt, belittling, violence. Then you'll be the mum picking up the pieces in 20 years' time when she gets a boyfriend who treats her exactly the same. The very best thing you can teach her is that women do not need to put up with this.

I'm sure you realise this at the moment, but come Christmas when sentimentality is sloshing around in the air and he turns up on the doorstep with presents for the kiddies and oh, so sorry you may forget, just long enough for the bastard to get his beastly feet over the doorstep. And then it'll be back to Square One.

Your calmness is absolutely normal and will carry you through this.....

And I think you are going to have to remain SOLID from now on.....there is no way this is in his plan and it will be seen as defiance by him and he will FIGHT back now. You are not to know how, but this is a really dangerous time with abusive cockheads like him.
You are completely 100% making the right decision not to have him back, but without wanting to alarm you, please be prepared for total head fuck for a while. He will probably veer between being overwhelmingly nice to being overwhelmingly disgusting, possibly violent ( seeing as he has done this before). I guess, your calmness is your weapon here, it will help you see that all of his tactics are utter shit, he is a nasty man period.

Women's Aid will provide neutral support for you - also a visit to a solicitor pronto would be a good idea. Wishing you lots of calm strength

It's good he's gone. Now make sure he can't get back in and that you are strong enough not to let him back. Use your calm to get things done to protect yourself and your dc.

If you're a bit handy you can buy a lock from a DIY place and install it yourself - or a bolt or door-chain. Otherwise if you know anyone capable of installing them, ask them to do it for you.

Be prepared to call the police if he tries to get back in. Have a chat with Women's Aid.

Get supportive people around you who will back up your resolve to end the relationship - anyone who downplays his behaviour or suggests you should give him more chances should be avoided.

He will definitely try to come back, and use all his usual tricks: threats, pleading, emotional blackmail, gifts, hints of violence...

He has no incentive to give up: in you, he has a maid, cook, sex provider, and punchbag all rolled into one. However much he denigrates you, he wants and needs you. He just doesn't want to have to treat you like a real human being, with feelings: you are there for his benefit only (in his mind).

So please be prepared for his attempts to wangle his way back into your life and put his feet under the table once again, and stay strong.

Your plan upthread sounds good. Definitely change the locks, and rather than "ignore" his texts and calls, please go and change your SIM card today. You are still very enmeshed with this man, it will take time for the hold he has on you to wear off, and NO CONTACT complete cold turkey is the quickest way to achieve this.

If he ambushes you in the street, just say "I'm not interested" to anything he says (threats, pleading, etc) and walk to a place of saafety: anywhere with other people in it is good.

Call 999 if you feel threatened in any way, eg. if he turns up at your door and will not leave.

you are going to have a very happy 2013!

Good luck OP!

Don't let him back in the house no matter what he says. He will most likely get very angry when he realises your not giving in to him, and he will be annoyed that someone he sees as a lesser being would dare stand up to him.

He will most likely make your life very difficult for a while, (i know because my ex does this to me), but you will feel safe in your own home, you won't be constantly walking on eggshells, and you can have friends etc. round your house (this is one of my favourite things to come out of the split).

He cannot take your children from you. My Ex threatened me with this, i gently reminded him that i could have him put in prison.

Most importantly, stay strong. Remember that you deserve to be happy, and your children deserve a safe environment in which to grow.

Good luck canwe

All the very best of luck to you OP - you are right, you are right, you are right - and so is everyone else here.
This man is a monster who will destroy you and fuck up your children, and what's more, he won't care. As long as he has it his way, that's all that matters.

I agree about no contact and changing the locks.
Do NOT be talked around by his shit. He will do and say anything to make you comply and stay in this deeply unhealthy relationship, as it is to his advantage for you to continue to be his serf.
It is not to yours.
You have every right to end this for good.
Keep him out.

Im having a wobble, the dcs are in bed its quiet and im sat here thinking. How do i do this whole christmas thing as a single mum. My sister has just been round shes been invited to out mum an dads along with her boyfriend and his parents. I dont want to go as i cant stand them. I can pull off a family xmas with just me and the dcs cant i?

Of course you can, it will be lovely. No worrying about at what point this man is going to have a tantrum, smash things and hurt someone. You and DC can relax and enjoy a lovely day together.

I take it the house is in your name only? I would also advise seeing a solicitor and having a word with the local police DV unit regarding an exclusion order which means he cannot come to your house and if he does the police will come and remove him .

Yes the house is mine, i havnt heard from him today. And i found the keys that he had lost, in a place where he said he had looked so now im driving a luvly 4x4

Christmas with your dcs: stockings, yummy food, telly, walk, choccies, games, more telly, bedtime stories, sorted! Of course you can do Christmas with your dcs, op. avoiding all toxic people should make it a true joy!

Don't wobble.
Go back to your very first post and your list of why you are not prepared to put up with this any more.
Christmas doesn't equal letting an abusive fuckwit through the door to create tension.

You CAN do this and you CAN show your DD that her mum doesn't NEED this man around to make Christmas happy, because YOU can do it all by yourself.

I'm really in awe that you have been able to do this.
If you wobble - MN will stop you falling.

DC not just DD sorry

Of course you can do a family Christmas. Your home, your way, invent your own traditions and have a lovely relaxing time.

You are so brave and strong.
If you are having a wobble remember the amazing future you are giving to your dcs. they don't deserve to have him in their home!
you need to stay strong and keep going. Keep reminding yourself that this is the right thing to do. Don't let him creep back into your life in any way.

You are too good and far too important for him just remind yourself that.

you are amazing!!

This man sounds like my ex. I said what you are saying now many times before I went through with leaving. Please do not waver, you and your dc are worth much more.
Involve the police now and contact women's aid, I wish I had earlier.
You can do this, you need to do this for yourself and your children.
I would also arrange to get his car back to him, don't allow him to have any holds on you or reason to contact you.
Four months ago I left my home with my ds with no more than the clothes on our back and ds's toys and its the best thing I ever did. I'm lying in bed in a peaceful home, managing financially and my ds is thriving.
My only regret is taking so long to leave, I was ill ds was anxious and clingy and every day was he'll. I'm deeply ashamed I put my ds through that, please stay strong. You can do this!

We're here whenever you wobble lovely, stay strong, keep him GONE.

Him blaming you for HIM hitting you? That's what Tina Nash's Ex said - after he'd gauged her eyes out.

He's vile and dangerous. Get rid.

I promise you it'll get better really soon!