WWYD?

[financialwizard]

My dc11 is due to go to his Dad's this Christmas (first time in 3 years). Yesterday I spoke to my exh's girlfriend to sort out timings for picking up and dropping off dc11 and she told me that my exh cannot get insurance on her car but that they would 'sort something out'. This has left me feeling really worried because when my exh was banned from driving 3 years ago our dc11 went on holiday with them to Scotland. Both my exh and his girlfriend told me that the girlfriend was driving, yet when dc11 came back he told me that his Dad had driven the whole way.

I have also seen my exh driving their car when he clearly shouldn't be.

I feel like refusing to let dc11 go if exh turns up driving the car (it is a long way though). On this occasion I have other commitments that I can't rearrange so I can't take dc11 to the exh either.

WWYD?

You have to put your DD first. (How irresponsible of them). How you "communicate" this depends on your relationship with ex already, though would I be right in thinking you sound a bit scared of making a fuss?

What do you want to do?

What I am saying is if I found out exH driving DD around uninsured etc I would have been more, shall we say, confrontational upfront about it.

Exh is an awful person, spiteful and was physically violent in our relationship as well as mentally abusive. It is a long time since we split but I find it very difficult to deal with him without wanting to kill him still because he thinks of no-one but himself.

To be honest my main concern is my DS. He is really looking forward to seeing his Dad, but logistically this year it would be impossible for me to pick up the slack and I have no family close by to do it either, but I am very uncomfortable about my exh driving my son around uninsured.

Jane I didn't know until yesterday that he wasn't insured. It never crossed my mind. My first thought was to call the Police and report him tbh.

I think you need some more opinions on Mumsnet. I appreciate you are in difficult circumstances and it seems a bit complex emotionally too e.g. your DS. You could ask the Police's opinion on your situation, they might have some suggestions.

can you call the police on 101 and ask their advice? Do you have any details of the car he drives?

You cannot let your son go with him unless you have proof of insurance.

It's wrong, illegal and you will be worrying the whole time.

Report him. One less uninsured numpty on the road the better IMO.

I only know the type of vehicle, not the make/model/number plate. He lives over 3 hours drive away so I can't even saunter past his house and have a nose.

I think you are right, I think I am going to have to call the local police and ask their opinion on the matter.

I spoke to them. They have advised not to let DS into the car without seeing proof of insurance.

If he definitely cannot get insurance, there is a good chance he will pretend to have it at home etc, and will shout and make a massive scene if you do not accept that. I think you need to be prepared for that possibility and I think you need to ask the police again what they recommend you should do in that situation (you could even mention he is an abusive ex). And maybe you should ask if you can check with the police whether he is has had his driving licence back (just in case). I am sorry your DS is caught in the middle of this but I do agree with other posters, I would never knowingly let my DS in an uninsured car.

Or you could tell ex in advance by email (so you have proof) that if he turns up without insurance you will not let your son go with him, though I suppose that will mean on this occasion his g/f will do the collecting. Its up to you how you want to play that. BTW, I think I can understand how angry you must be feeling on this, I feel that way just reading your situation here. Let us know how it goes/what you decide. ATB.

Thanks Jane. I am very upset, more for my DS than for any other reason. He is going to be devastated that he has been let down again.

I have emailed the exh now and asked him to confirm who is picking DS up and roughly what time. That way I feel that I have given him an opportunity to think about it and send someone else but in reality I know he either won't respond or will say him, etc. If I have heard nothing by Monday I will call him and tell him he need's to bring his insurance certificate with him for the current year and vehicle he is driving.

Of course the other issue is of him returning DS. Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. That man drives me nuts. My poor DS. I feel dreadfully sorry for my exh's girlfriend as well because I know exactly what will happen to her if DS does not go.

Would it be possible to make arrangements with the girlfriend to meet her 1/2 way (ie 1 1/2 hours drive from your home) and she could drive your son to their house to be with his Dad?
I appreciate that this is letting exH get away with something that is his responsibility to sort out but I'm just thinking of your son and the fact you mention how upset he will be if he doesn't get to go to Dad's.

Why can't she drive it?

Up until yesterday Harpy I would have said yes to that but my husband fractured his ribs at work yesterday so I now have to pick up my SS from another part of the country altogether! However it is closer to them, so I might suggest to meet near there instead. It would knock an hour and a half ish off of their journey and would at least make my son happy.

My only worry is the return journey because my exh wants to drop DS off at a date earlier than we could pick him up.

Clippedphoenix probably because they are used to DS being delivered to their doorstep. They originally only agreed to pick DS up because their DS had a football match at a venue 40 minutes away which has now been cancelled.

The exh called last night and has said he is arranging insurance. I have told him I want to see it before I will let DS go