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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Is this is cheating on me?

169 replies

amy175 · 11/12/2012 22:32

my oh has been very secretive for months. Texting all times of day and late and night. facebooking intill gone midnight. everytime i go near he either closes the browser or turns his phone over so i can't see. on the way home from his works do on friday night he stopped the car at 11.30 to text while he thought i was asleep. Then Sunday morning i see him hiding his phone in the bed under the covers texting. I went mad and got very upset. i demanded he told me who he was texting. he denied texting and when i demanded to see the texts he said it wasn't any of my business. he went to the loo and deleted all the texts. i got very upset and demanded he tell me who he was texting. eventually he told me it was two women he was "he was helping and supporting them through hard situations and that they didn't want him to tell me what so he couldn't show me". I think this is cheating, even if it is just emontinally. he says i shouldn't be upset and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong. AIBU?

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amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:35

i want to keep together as i love him but not sure he does. i have my suspicions that he is just waiting out xmas then will go.

i cant live with him cheating though and lying

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amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:37

the relantionship was good and i was happy, sn kids and pressure seems to have hurt things

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amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:38

until he sees it is wrong then he wont change

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 17:39

No, he has hurt things by disrespecting you

Yes, all relationships have stress and pressure. Only faithless cheaters deal with that by cheating on their partner.

amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:40

am going to put my details in to a benefit calculator to see if i can get some top up benefits. not sure but i only earn about £5000 a year and that wont pay the mortgage. if i'm on my own do i have to sell the house and move?

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 17:40

Yes love, he won't change. Is this how you want to live ? Accept how he treats you, with no consequences for him ? For your children to learn this is how a man shows someone that he loves them ?

amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:40

can he make me?

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amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:41

its a big change as i have been married for 12 years and togther much longer

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 17:41

You need professional help with the financial side. Could you go to a Citizen's Advice Bureau and get some advice specific to your situation ?

amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:43

is that the best place to go ?

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Doha · 12/12/2012 17:43

you will get benefits, tax credits, help with child care etc
he will have to pay for his DCs upkeep via CSA if needed.

You can "afford" to live without him. I don't think emotionally you can "afford" to live with him given his current behaviour and attitude

amy175 · 12/12/2012 17:44

will have to google to see if there is one

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 17:48

it is the best place to start, love

give them a call and see what they suggest

you can look some of it up online, but I am not the best person to advise on that

does anyone have olgaga's brilliant list of practical pointers and websites* ??

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2012 18:11

I was just going to mention olgaga's list. I'll try to search it.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2012 18:17

Apols to olgaga for stealing her list.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

Hope this helps.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2012 18:20

Actually, the thread I found it on click here is great and has a lot of information from loads of good posters.

I'm not saying you have to kick him out this instant, amy but there is power in knowing you have a plan if you need one, that you aren't totally dependent on this relationship.

Good luck.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 19:18

MrsTerrys, that is brilliant, thanks a lot

stuffitunderthebed · 12/12/2012 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amy175 · 12/12/2012 22:07

thank you i'm thinking of all options and information is helpful

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amy175 · 12/12/2012 22:30

i cant do anything before xmas, would be too much for me to deal with. both sets of inlaws are coming for dinner. i may make a family law free half hour appointment and talk my options through

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 22:35

that is a good idea

don't let things drift after xmas though

make this the last xmas you have to put up with his horrible treatment

amy175 · 12/12/2012 23:02

have just found a local family law that does free first interviews, will call tomorrow. need to get it straight in my mind what i can do.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 23:11

really good plan x

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2012 23:22

Good for you amy. At the very least you will know what you are looking at.

amy175 · 12/12/2012 23:37

I'm so anxious about it all I feel sick inside. Trying to do normal things is so hard. He was texting on the sofa while I was on the room earlier and he got upset when I said stop it and asked he who it was. He said was I going to stop him having any friends

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