This is what my dating profile should read!

[superstarheartbreaker]

Single mum golddigger with chip on her shoulder. Prone to bouts of depression. Slightly mental with a mouldy hampster and head lice seeks rich man with a big knob who will fall in love with her.

What do you think?!

Seriously I have of course written a profile that bigs myself up but I really do have headlice at the moment...and a chip on my shoulder. And a mouldy hampter for that matter..he has mange! Hmmmm..not sure I'm much of a catch atm!

hampster

It just makes me laugh the way that we all big ourselves up for these dating profiles.

hamster?

Hamster. You sound like good fun!

I think a mouldy hampter would put the best of men off

Ace! Here's mine:

Stretchmarked, short tempered pedant with a rusty car, seeks elderly billionaire with a volatile heart condition for whirlwind marriage and energetic sex.

Try it. What's the worst that could happen?

Mine, "too bloody old, CS scar, a bit grumpy, seeks man who thinks blonde hair is a sign of intelligence. Must have own assets."

Where shall I place my ad? 'Woman for all seasons seeks octogenarian multi-millionaire for meaningful relationship spanning one of them. Terminal illness no problem'.

Here's mine:
Bipolar lady who will make you her entire world for a maximum of 3 months before descending into a state of depression and boredom for which you will be to blame. Complete wino. Sexually very adventurous at first then would rather have a curry. Never really wants what she thinks she wants. Will almost certainly leave you for someone more exciting. Enter at your own risk.

Love it. Am rooting for the hamster.

Mine: middle aged, curmudgeonly over thinker who likes big words and has Tourettes, seeks buxom wench. Must be intelligent, well off and able to handle the above with good grace. Prefer person who is constantly nice and cheery and always generous.

"Cute, smart, and fun, with MASSIVE attachment and co-dependency issues. This means I will devote myself to you and to our relationship, whether you are a good guy or an asshole. Please don't be an asshole."

Single pregnant mother to 3, really quite lazy, not great at keeping on top of the housework, can't be bothered to shave legs or wear make up and likes to go to bed at 7.30pm. Not into cooking, less and less tolerant of other people with every day that passes. Not really into sex, would rather sleep. Wants to meet a man that will pop round, bringing chocolate, do my housework, cook my dinner and then go home again. Age and looks unimportant, must not be smelly.

Love it!

Mine would read something like this:

Bipolar, 30-something mother (of two unruly, DSi-addicted kids) seeks extremely hot 20-something himbo with bad eyesight and/or willingness to overlook c-section overhang and egg-in-sock boobage. Must be good at running baths and entertaining brattish children while I soak in said bath. And making my husband's dinner...

Ha! Here's mine: Terminally sarcastic, rabid feminist with mild OCD. Swears like a navvy. Constantly prangs the car. Hates animals. Seeks generous fireman with impressive stamina.

To be more specific:
"30 year old blonde, immature, manic depressive girl seeking a man who has his own home, own car, own opinions - but can agree with me if I tell him to - and doesn't really have any desire to be close to his mother or father. Would like you to constantly feed me cocktails and take me away on expensive all inclusive beach breaks. You should never ever question my drinking or what I choose to do in regards work. If I want to quit a job you should celebrate that. You should not have anything negative to say about the utter sh#te that I like to watch on TV. You should be a ferocious, passionate lover and not want to live with me. I would also like you to wear suits and let me fulfill my lifelong dream of being a Lady what lunches.

Hi ladies: you make me chuckle! Alas the mouldy hamster is no more ! I took him to the vets today and she suggested we got him put down The head lice are still thriving though! Until I buy some organophosphates to kill them off tomorrow! [evil laugh]
I'm getting chatted up online a bit so hope to get rid of headlice before getting some action.
I plan to put a new hamster in cage Christmas eve so dd wakes up to a surprise on Christmas morning.

Rip mouldy hamster

But the joy of a new hamster on Christmas day!!! And Yay to being chatted up!

Hopefully RIP headlice tomorrow ...

'Middle-aged, tired, antisocial, intolerant mother of one, enjoys nights in watching what I want to on telly. Seeks handsome, lively (but not too lively), loving, kind, funny, tolerant man who would be happy to do what I want at all times but without ever having to ask what that is and who would only appear when I could be arsed to see you. Would be a bonus if you like cooking, cleaning and minor DIY.'

Saw one in a newspaper lonely hearts column:

'Grumpy bald man seeks woman'

I felt quite tempted.

Middle-aged woman with no waist and a perpetual frown, works too hard, bored by housework but is witty - puns a speciality. Seeks suit- wearing optimist with a Swiss bank account and a desire to please, and who wants me for my mind not my body.

What are my chances?

RIP Mouldy Hampter

Mine would read (if I bothered getting back into online dating after all the mighty fuck ups):

30 something year old feminist, who could do with losing 2st, is stubborn, strong willed, selfish, has severe commitment issues, can handle her drink better than a 20st rugby fella, has a fondness for the word cunt. I seek a man with his own home, who is normal, undamaged, solvent, looks like Simon Neil (or is Simon Neil) from Biffy Clyro, and lets me do what I want, when I want, without thinking the same applies to him. GET IN LINE LADS...

The ultimate come hither ad which can be used by any gender is 'Fat slob seeks fuck. No time wasters'.