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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How often does your bf ring you/text you?

53 replies

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 22:29

Been seeing this guy about 3 months now, although only see each other at weekends due to me having childcare/work commitments in the week, plus he said he likes to be in bed by 9pm midweek (he gets up at 7.15am). Anyhoo, he never texts me out of the blue in the week, even to say hello and at most he will ring once. I've stopped staying over on a Saturday night because to be honest he's a bit of a 'mauler' (I talked to him about it). AIBU to expect some mid week interaction from him? I text him every other day to say hello etc and I'll get a reply but he never initiates.

OP posts:

emsyj · 10/12/2012 22:37

Er, why are you trying to prolong this relationship when it sounds a bit rubbish? Is he enhancing your life? Given that you've only been seeing him for 3 months I would have thought you should still be in the 'he's amazing and I can't wait to spend as much time as I can with him' stage, as opposed to avoiding overnight stays because he's a 'mauler' (what does that mean anyway??)

I would let it peter out and meet someone better suited to you tbh...

But in answer to your question, it's hard to remember how much DH texted/called me in the early days - certainly often enough that I was never left wondering when I would hear from him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/12/2012 22:40

When DH and I had been together 3 months we had already moved in with each other, but before that we used to speak/text/message several times a day...

You don't sound very into each other.

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 22:42

I'd be less concerned about the texting and more concerned about the 'mauling' thats so bad you don't even stay over.

xmasevebundle · 10/12/2012 22:45

Me and my exp

Text everyday for the whole relationship, moved in at 3 months to!

He seems to me as a friend than a bf? No texting you and only a phone call

60sname · 10/12/2012 22:46

After a few weeks in, we kept in touch every day, via text and email. He initiated more conversations at first, but by no means the lion's share. We did that because we were becoming besotted and couldn't stop thinking about each other.

Are you sure he really needs 10 hours sleep? Could there be another call on his attention during the week?

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 22:51

thanks ladies, you're right, think I was just looking for an outsiders perspective as I have no one else to ask . I say he's a mauler because the first time I stayed over (and the last to be honest) I told him I didn't feel comfortable staying in his bed and could I sleep in the spare room (I had a hysterectomy in June followed by a month of complications including being reopened and a stay on intensive care)...and tbh I wasn't sure at that stage if i wanted to be intimate..anyhoo the mauling...he promised me I could keep my nightie on and his pants and we could just cuddle...so I agreed to stay in his bed. I woke to find him mauling me (basically ripping my knickers off) and he then proceeded to have sex with me. It was horrible and I now totally disrespect him. He said he was sorry I felt that way. I'm stupid aren't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 22:54

yes he's definitely a 10 hour a night man...yawn. He's never been married,no kids, last relationship was about 6+ years ago.

OP posts:

auntmargaret · 10/12/2012 22:54

So he sexually assaulted you? Why would you ever text him again?

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 22:58

I woke to find him mauling me (basically ripping my knickers off) and he then proceeded to have sex with me

Charlottes what would you say to me if I had posted that sentence?

OhWesternWind · 10/12/2012 23:00

Charlottesmum that's not mauling, that's rape.

No wonder you disrespect him. What a foul thing to happen to you.

You are very far from stupid. You are a brave woman who's been through a heck of a lot and then something like this happens.

((((Hugs)))))

FBworry · 10/12/2012 23:02

I had no idea what mauling meant, but I certainly didnt think it meant anything as horrid as that.

Op Im sorry but he is using you for sex at best, he has no interest in you as person and at worst is abusing you.

You sound very sweet, you deserve more.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 23:02

Aw come on, this is not a nice man. You dont need any interaction from him at all. In fact you shouldnt go near him other than to prod him with a barge pole at a safe distance.

You are not stupid at all. Possibly vulnerable and he is an utter tosser.

Delete his number and dont contact him again, please.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/12/2012 23:03

He raped you?

I would cut contact and report him to the police.

clam · 10/12/2012 23:05

HE DID WHAT???????
And you call it MAULING?
Texting/phoning is the least of your problems with this wanker.
Get. Rid. Of. Him. Now.

And while you're at it, think about reporting him.

OhWesternWind · 10/12/2012 23:06

Are you okay Charlottesmum? I think some of what's been said can be difficult to hear. Come back and talk if you want, there's always someone listening. There is nothing you did wrong at all. This man is vile to have taken advantage of you like this.

PigletJohn · 10/12/2012 23:07

people vary. Some might do it several times a day, or at least once, perhaps at bedtime, if you don't see each other much. Maybe he thinks it's clingy.

Once a week sounds a bit poor to me.

Does he go to bed early feeling tired because he likes a drink?

I don't know what a mauler is but it doesn't sound too promising, even apart from the infrequent calls or texts.

fortyplus · 10/12/2012 23:09

PigletJohn you haven't read op's last comment - in this context 'mauler' = rapist

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 23:10

yes I am vulnerable and probably wear my heart on my sleeve too clearly. When I told him I was upset that he had broken his promise of 'just cuddling' (in fact I don't think we even did that) he seemed visually shocked that I dared to question him. This man holds a very senior position in a 'secret' organization and comes over as being very morally bound. However that night made me look at him differently. I wish I could be a strong woman but stupidly I'm worried about hurting him.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 10/12/2012 23:11

I'd say the number of times he texts or doesn't text is the least of your worries. He sounds awful. At best totally selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings and at worse well need I go on. Sorry but it's time to call it a day I would say.

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 23:12

piglet.....yes he's a drinker!!! He drinks at least two bottles of red on a Saturday night by the time I get over, plus he's normally been at the rugby and had been drinking beer since 1pm.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 23:13

Please do not worry about him! he is a vile pig who is not worth a moments worry. Think about YOU. You dont need to be with someone like this who has no respect for you and hurts you physically and mentally. You are not living with him or even in a long term relationship, so saying goodbye fuck off is very simple. Just text him that it hasnt worked out and you dont wish to have any more contact with him. Seriously, he sounds a very nasty man. His job and status is irrelevant. It doesnt stop him being a horrible person.

You can be a strong woman. Honestly, you can!

pictish · 10/12/2012 23:14

Good god - you are beeling headlong into a miseryfest if you opt to stay with this loser. Hope you don't.
Really really hope you don't.
He raped you.

Instead of asking yourself 'why doesn't he call me more often?', ask yourself why you want him to. Given that he raped you.

OhWesternWind · 10/12/2012 23:16

Oh Charlottesmum you sound absolutely lovely. But the last thing you should be doing is worrying about hurting this man.

He has hurt you badly, not only by raping you but it sounds like he is very controlling and is making you question your own good judgement.

Please walk away and never look back. You can, and will, find a wonderful man to share your life with, but it's not this man. He's harmful to you physically and mentally. You don't owe him anything at all.

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 10/12/2012 23:16

I just worry that I'm being unreasonable. My ex husband used to touch me intimately when I was asleep and when I complained he said "I thought you would like it"... What really bothers me about current guy is that he never even considered my post op recovery etc. I'm actually feeling angry now

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 23:17

oh love, you are not being in the least unreasonable.. not one little iota!!

Be angry, dont be upset, but be angry, and realise that you do not need this arsehole in your life.

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