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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do?? I could do with a bit if advice

67 replies

Ahhhcrap · 08/12/2012 23:38

Ive name changed for this but could really do with some MN words of wisdom..

2 years ago my dh of 6 months had an affair, I found out by chance. It had been going on for about 4months and appeared to be an emotional affair. We talked lots and he swore to me there was nothing physical in it. We've always had difficulty communicating but we muddled through. His reaction on me finding out was the reason I stayed. He was very full of remorse and did everything I asked such as stopping contact etc.

Anyway fast forward 2 years and I'm just starting to feel secure again. We have a mutual friend who weve known for ages, he knew about the affair as I confided in him at the time. He does try to stay neutral and he did help me out perspective on it. My dh doesn't know I told him.

But he's out tonight with my dh and they've both had a bit to drink, our friend has just rang me in a bit of a state and I've just shoe horned it out of him what was wrong. It turns out my dh DID have sex with the woman, although he swore to me he didn't. I did say at the time that if I found out he'd lied to me that would be the end.

I feel in shock ATM, I don't know if I should let sleeping dogs lie or confront him, (I won't tonight as he'll be drunk) it feels that if I make an issue out of it then I'm raking up old ground, but also it's opened up old wounds and I don't know if I can deal with this again.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to talk...

OP posts:
fruitstick · 08/12/2012 23:44

Why did the friend ring you on their night out? Seems odd. Do you think the friend about have alterior motive for causing trouble.

Did your DH tell his friend the details tonight?

I'm not saying it's not true and I understand why you are feeling so confused.

If you confront your DH he can continue to deny it, and then you will have to decide who to believe.

Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 08/12/2012 23:49

He's a very good friend, and no, he doesn't have an alterior motive, I'm sure of that.

Yes he was told the details tonight.

This is my concern, at the time my dh wouldn't admit to anything until he knew I had proof so it would be a case of my word against his, and I think he would deny it to cover his arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 08/12/2012 23:51

I really don't know if it's valid now either, should I be upset, chuck him out, scream and shout or just leave it. I guess the question is - am I over reacting?

OP posts:
ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 08/12/2012 23:56

You said if you found out he was lying to you, you would leave. Isn't that your answer?

Being in a relationship where you don't trust them is just awful - how are you ever going to be able to trust him now?

People can rebuild a relationship after an affair, but the person who has had the affair has to be honest, they have to go the extra mile to regain the trust and a new relationship has to be built, you can't build on quick sand.

All he has done is admitted what he had to and no more - he hasn't changed :(

Oh and don't let bloody christmas stop you doing what you would otherwise do - OK x

FBworry · 08/12/2012 23:56

How long have you known your dh for in total?

Do you trust him in all other aspects?

MiniTheMinx · 08/12/2012 23:57

He was very full of remorse and did everything I asked such as stopping contact etc everything except tell the truth?

You are not over reacting. Does your husband have a way of minimising your feelings and invalidating you?

Doinmummy · 08/12/2012 23:58

Would your friend confess to your husband that he has told you about the sex?
If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to be sure that your friend is telling the truth.

Do you believe him 100%? If so then you need to work out if you want to stay or leave. Also if you believe that he is telling the truth then it doesn't matter what your husband says.

fruitstick · 08/12/2012 23:58

No, you're not overreacting. With such a betrayal you have to rebuild trust and him lying about it makes a mockery of it. Maybe he panicked, maybe he thought you'd never find out.

I'm not sure what you should do but really don't think you should just leave it.

Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 09/12/2012 00:00

I've known him for 6 years now and we have a 4 yr old dd.

I trust him to go out with his mates and I don't think he'd do it again, but... And it's a big but, I also now know his capability of lying, and I don't fully trust him to tell me the truth, he will tell me what he wants me to know. I know he's a different person with his mates, jack the lad kinda thing. But won't act like that in front of me. It's like he's two different people sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 09/12/2012 00:01

I know my friend would stand up and tell my dh he'd told me if push came to shove.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 09/12/2012 00:06

You're not overreacting.

Of course it's valid.

You've just found out that the husband who cheated on your own extent you felt you could forgive, actually cheated on you to an extent you made clear that you couldn't - ohh, and now you also know he will look you in the eye and lie lie lie to you if it suits his purpose.

I think that's a pretty big issue to try and persuade yourself should remain a 'sleeping dog'. In fact, I would put a lot of money on it not being possible for you to try and forget or discount it. He had an affair and he lied to you, did not allow you to be in possession of the facts so that you could decide for yourself whether you wanted to remain in a relationship with him. It's a fundamental disrespect which he took all the way to the altar.

I wouldn't be able to trust him again, so that would be it for me. Which is what you said at the time. I don't know where else you can go with this to be honest, because if he 'confesses' now if you confront him, it'll be because be knows you know, so he will cry, beat his chest, apologise, swear he was just terrified he'd lose you, blah.

But he'll still be the man who lies to you if he thinks its safe to do so.

FBworry · 09/12/2012 00:06

Poor you :(

The first thing is, is your not overreacting at all. Not only is this a devastating , soul destroying revelation to deal with, but on top of that the little trust you had has just been ripped apart.

Do you know for a fact he has lied about more than this?

Doinmummy · 09/12/2012 00:06

So it wouldn't be your word against his, you have your friend to back you up.

What do you want to do op? It's hard to think straight when it's so new, I know.

ImperialBlether · 09/12/2012 00:06

Interesting that you say he's a Jack the Lad type when he's with his friends. It sounds to me as though he was bragging about it. Is that what your friend said?

Why would he mention the fact he slept with her (and yes, I believe he did) tonight, so long after? I think if it had been a "God I can't believe how much I hurt OP, I can't forgive myself for it" kind of conversation, your friend probably wouldn't have rung you. I bet it was the way he was talking about it that fired him up to call you.

MiniTheMinx · 09/12/2012 00:07

Can someone who lies be trusted with anything? I wouldn't trust DH out with his friends if I thought he might lie. How could I possibly know what he might get up to.Are you are saying you only trust him not to stray because he lacks opportunity & it's not on offer. If he didn't lack opportunity and it was offered........he would lie.

ImperialBlether · 09/12/2012 00:09

Oh, OP, I don't want to upset you further but if it was physical then he wouldn't have done it only once, not if the relationship lasted four months.

Personally, I don't believe in an emotional affair when both people are in close proximity lasting four months; I think there's no reason for it not to be physical.

BluelightsAndSirens · 09/12/2012 00:11

Lies always work themselves out into truth, you ow have your answer to the question you have asked many times.

Do nothing tonight but think carefully about what you want from life.

Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 09/12/2012 00:20

Thank you so much for all your messages.. If nothing else I feel better about being upset.

This isn't the first time he's lied. About a month after I found out about the affair I found out (by reading his emails) he was meeting a woman from work (not the ow). When I confronted him about it when he got home he dented it, and yes, lied and lied to my face until I out the proof under his nose. I was in such a mess at the time and we were going on holiday I did nothing but cry about it.

I've been a complete mug haven't I? :(

OP posts:
FBworry · 09/12/2012 00:27

The trust is gone now :(

One lie from a desperate , yet foolish person wanting to preserve their marriage is one thing- but this many lies is just too much.

Did your friend say if he confessed in a boastful or remorseful way?

Original poster
Ahhhcrap · 09/12/2012 00:38

My friend has said it wasn't boastful but wouldn't be classed as remorseful either, so I'm guessing that answers that :(

OP posts:
FBworry · 09/12/2012 00:46

You are not over reacting and you absolutely must talk to your dh.

Putting your head in the sand will achieve nothing and you will build up huge resentment.

However there is nothing you can do tonight. He is drunk and you are in shock.

You must feel dreadful inside, but do try and get some sleep for now.

So sorry for your pain xx

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 09/12/2012 00:49

A month after you found out about the affair he was lying to you again... I don't think he stopped lying to you and I don't think he ever will stop lying to you. He's got away with so much, why would he? :(

Bastard.

I think you do have your answer, no matter how unpaletable it is.

As I said earlier - do not let Christmas make you sweep this under the rug. It will be hard on your DD whenever it happens, Christmas will be something to look forward to for her and she will be fine. New Year - New Start. You can do this x

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 09/12/2012 00:51

Can you get your friend to convince him to spend the night at his under the guise of continuing the party & having your 'permission'? I think it would be better for you if he didn't come home tonight.

Wowserz129 · 09/12/2012 01:05

I think he has lied to you and clearly has no respect for you if he is on a lads night telling them the details he has been lying to you about for 2 years!! You said you would leave him if you found out he was lying. So leave? Otherwise he is going to keep making a fool out of you.

howdoo · 09/12/2012 01:09

Oh lovey, what a horrible thing to discover.

A few months ago, I posted on here because I found out that my DH of 10 years, before we got married, had shagged another woman, rather than the snogging/fumbling he had previously admitted to. I found out because we were a bit pissed and I asked him. I was surprised, but relieved, when posters here said it was a long time ago, before we were married, and as long as nothing else had happened, I should let it go.

Anyway, when I first read the OP, I thought maybe it was similar. But there are quite a few differences.

First of all, it had been going on for months, and only finished (presumably) when you found out about it.

And you had to find out about it, he didn't come to you and admit it.

And he then lied about it (although this is fairly standard, from what I can gather)

The killer for me, is that ONE month later, he is emailing another woman and then lying through his teeth about it. So I don't really understand why you say "I trust him to go out with his mates and I don't think he'd do it again..."

One month after you find out about his four month affair, he should be doing everything he can to make you know how committed he is to you and your marriage and make you feel better about his shameful behaviour.

But he is emailing another woman. And lying about it til he's blue in the face.

I'm so sorry, I just don't know how you could ever trust this person again.

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