I think this is a big red flag! what do you say?

[secrectsoutherncomfortdrinker]

Called dp this morning to see if he wanted to come with me to take dcs to see santa but couldn't get an answer so i called his mum which is where he usually is at the weekend she said he wasn't there so i went round to his place he wasn't there either so i called him back and he answered so i asked where he was and he said "i'm in my flat where else do you think i would be" so i told him to open the door i already knew he wasn't there as his flatmate opend the door and let me in!
He then started screaming and shouting at me saying what am i doing coming round without calling or asking first saying that i was just trying to catch him out i have had some suspicions about another woman but no clear evidence.
So is this the biggest red flag and what do i do?

None would be the answer to your question nelson thats half the problem.

no my darling that's the whole problem! This man is just stringing you along. I don't know why you let him persuade you to have children when you weren't ready and he clearly wasn't prepared to give up a damn thing to have them. but we can't do anything about that now. You say you can never have that 'TV family' - well, how know? Maybe you will maybe you won't'. But one thing's for sure, you are never going to find a 'TV' kind of man who values you if you waste any more of your life on this loser, and clinging on to a total non-entity of a relationship.

If he spends no time with you does he even consider that you are together at all? It doesn't sound like it. It would be interesting to see, if you just stopped contacting him, how long it would take him to bother to come and see you and his children. Not at 2am for sex, but to spend time with his family.

And if he does try to turn up unplanned, you should not let him in. From now on he phones to arrange to see his kids, not just turning up when he needs food/money/a shag. OK? You can do this.

That should have said 'who knows?'

And don't worry about how it will affect your kids if you make a break. I promise you in the long run they will be better adjusted for not seeing their mother treated like a doormat throughout their lives than for having their illusions shattered about being a happy 'family'.

He needs to be dumped by you and stay dumped.

Love your own self for a change; your inherent low self esteem and worth makes you a magnet for such lowlifes. Work on rebuilding you and do not date until you are fully ready to have another relationship. You also need to unlearn the damaging relationship patterns you have learnt over the years.

He certainly does not know or understand the meaning of the word love - to him it is but a four letter word. You state that you love him, what is there to love about him exactly?. What did you get out of that relationship?. Why did he get inside your head so?. These are important questions that you need to properly address otherwise you will repeating the same old relationship errors over and over again.

Would suggest counselling for your own self (BACP are good and do not charge the earth). Also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Everything you say is so true i thought i was ready to have kids but clearly i wasn't and neither was he i was more than happy with the life i had pre dcs and have given up alot to take care of them as most parents do and as you said he has given up nothing noy even his time which inmy eyes is more important than money even though that would help.

I can see myself having a good family life in the future as i'm not a bad catch but right about now i need to get myself out of the big hole i have dug and as for giving him sex thats not going to happen we haven't dtd for about three weeks and i know that if he isn't getting it from me then he is grtting it from somewhere else personally i don't feel he is attracted to me since having dcs he doesn't touch me anymore so i know its dead and buried.

attila i agree i do need to love myself a hell of alot more and the reason i love/loved him was for the man he was not for what he is now!

I think the reason he has got into my head is because of the connection we have by having dcs i have never felt so much anger love and disgust for one person in my life and that is purely down to the fact that he has turned out to be just like all the rest of the bad dads out there and also for the way he has treated me i have given him all i can and i just can't do it anymore i have nothing left to give.

TV families aren't real. And happy families come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I thnk I'd like to raise children in a commune. Tons of other kids and shared housework. I wouldn't mind being on a rota for cleaning the bathrooms.

Anyway, that's a besides. It's okay not to know where your children's father was last night - so long as you are not in a relationship with him. Honestly, just sort out contact, finances and move on.

Shall I tell you something else? I think there is a bit of a conspiracy going on in the world about single motherhood. It can be - whisper - brilliant. But we are encouraged to dread it and fear it.

Good luck, anyway.

Thank you all for your support i now tv families don't really exsist other than on tv and i now where he was out drinking away money suppose to be spent on my dcs xmas/birthday gifts clothes shoes etc... i have asked him for more support with money but he never has any but can buy himself new clothes go out drinking with friends but can't give me ten quid for my i gas he is a waste and i don't know why i have put up with it for so long.

nkf, a girl i know lives with her sister (and all kids) and she says they are like two really co-operative wives.

Stick to your guns and take up the lack of support with the CSA.