How do single mums with multiple kids find new partners?

[twosquared]

I have four kids under seven and feel like I am doomed to ever be in a relationship again. Would love to hear how others have managed to find someone great?

You will get lots of stories here!

I left my husband with 2 under seven (respect at the 4 under seven!). I explored several options: dating 'clubs' locally, internet dating, guys from work, friends of friends.

Met my now DH ago via internet dating, although that was 13 years ago and I don't think it was quite the same then in terms of being a hunting ground for (possibly married) men looking for a shag!

You have to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs, and accept that the men you meet may have baggage, as you do. But right now your perfect partner is out there looking for you; good luck in your search.

i don't know. when you have to pay a babysitter every time you go out....... it's not going to be easy. If your children's father takes them regularly and you have say every saturday free then it would be easier. my children's father doesn't take them. so i can't bank on having a day of the week that I'm free and single! i'm always encumbered. I sympathise with you having four. I can imagine you must feel that that would scare off even a brave man. I only have two children. I met up with a friend recently and he was saying his sister (divorced with one dd) had met somebody new. I was thinking that certain types of families are less scary than others. eg, one neat tidy 8 year old dd. Lovely. no trouble. On the other hand for example a 9 year old and a 10 year old who fight non stop, arhghgghgh! or a toddler and a baby and a four year old........... hmmm. Maybe the answer is to not over think things. IF somebody genuinely clicks with you they'll accept your family. I feel like I am a normal, content, sane person with a sense of humour so on the one hand I think that if my only 'baggage' is two feisty kids then that is nothing to feel apologetic for. It's just that I don't know how men who are looking for a 'ltr' would view it!! I am putting it all to the back of my head for now. It's on the long finger. As bridget jones would say. Must sort out love life.

I had 3 under five. Met a guy at the pub (chn went regularly to their dads) and I was remarried a year. It's very true that the right man sees you all as a package. I have been married 8 years and have a fourth child. Very very happy!

To be honest I think it would be hard if you didn't have any child free time.
Accept all social invitations and be open minded and have fun.
Once you have developed a relationship the number of children will be irrelevant.

There are lots of good men out there, accept that you are worthy of someone great. (I had two under two btw and have found a great man remarried 2 years later).

I am expecting ds4 in January and honestly cannot see myself ever being in a relationship again. I'm pretty sure any man I'd meet would run a mile. When I only had two children I never thought it would be a problem finding a partner - and it wasn't! But 4....

Looking forward to hearing success stories

So your first two must be quite 'old' now? well old enough to babysit??????

Ds1 is 10 and ds2 is 8 so not at baby sitting age for a good while yet

When you stop 'looking' the person who is meant for you will probably turn up. Why you would want to rush into something soon after a break up with that number of children Im unsure of. I had four just a little older when I split with mine but I decided to give the children my time rather than 'look for someone else'.

Yeah same here. I only have two children and it's just too hard to have a relationship tbh. I did try a while ago, first person in about five years. He wasn't interested in playing dad because he was a real dad and very involved with his own kids but it got to the point where (for me) dating and arranging to go out (and paying a babysitter every time) was not worth it, not when he made it clear he didn't want to meet my children. I mean he woudl have but it was me he wanted. So....... where does that leave you really? dating indefinitely?? If you can't introduce somebody into your family then after a while it just doesn't feel....... right. That was just one man I know. And a man who wanted to meet my children would make me cautious too.

Ive got to be honest, I dont believe in 'introducing' any new bf's to children until the relationship has been going for a minimum of a year. Children have enough trauma going on in their little lives without a trail of 'uncles' going through their lives.

Looking after 4 children and giving them the love they need takes enough effort to be going on with without having a SO.

Take your time OP and enjoy your children without having to share yourself with anyone else. You need time to find out what your needs are and that can take time in itself.

Being in a relationship isnt always what its made out to be, you just need to read the threads on MN to realise that.

I would agree with Another but tbh it gets bloody lonely on your own.

I think that's why I spend a year or two thinking, no, no way, no how will I be with someone even slightly not perfect. And then someone hideously imperfect comes along and I fall in love with him.

I'm probably just stupid but I think it's more total desperation...keeping your head above water and giving out emotionally to children and all the rest of it, with no one on your side is really, really hard and can grind you down big time.
Having someone actually like you and want to be with you and so on can be a bit like the Turkish Delight in Narnia.

I dunno...maybe having good friends is a better idea than leaping into a relationship.

Sometimes 'leaping into relationships' is what got us into the situation we are in in the first place.

Once we become a parent - whether it be mother or father - we have to put those little ones before ourselves. Like it or not. We are responsible for them and thus we have to put ourselves to the bottom of the list, yes it is not easy but the welfare of our children is paramount.

I agree Another and I haven't introduced my children to a single soul. However I recently just 'floated' the idea to my ten yo. Asked if it would be weird if supposing i met somebody. Well, the look of total shock and horror...... I am thinking maybe that if they'd just met somebody once or twice somewhere along the way the idea would have been 'out there'. As it is the ideal of mum meeting somebody new and bringing that person in to world is as crazy as the moon being made of cheese. not sure if this is entirely a good thing.

I'm pretty certain that I won't have another relationship and I'm quite ok with that. It would just be to complicated and to much like hard work, plus I'd have to start shaving my legs and all that....

Well, when I split up with my soon to be ex-husband I started chatting to an old ex-boyfriend on Facebook. We were both going through bit of a tough time and we gave each other quite a bit of mutual support. Friendship has blossomed into something else and whilst it is early days we are not exclusively in a relationship with each other and the future is looking bright. It took around 6 months for our facebook chatting to wander into meeting up in real life (he is some distance away) but in the new year we shall be living in the same city.

He has come to stay on rare child-free weekends and when I go to his city my DCs are babysat by my family (who live there too) and we spend the evening together. We rarely get much time together, so I am looking forward to the new year, when I guess we will have the children hurdle to face. It is exciting really, when we first started chatting I had no idea this would happen.

i'd have zero desire to get back with any x boyfriends !

I had 4 dc a ruined body from that and a mastectomy. I was single apart from the odd short lived relationship. I met him in a club I'd normally never go to but did and I have never felt kids were a problem. I really believe if you love someone then their baggage is not going to be a huge problem.
Lots of my friends have met long term partners on web sites too

Well, just to buck this rather depressing trend.. I have two children by two different fathers, aged 15 and 6. I have never been short of a boyfriend.. nice, kind, fun men - normal men i suppose! With good jobs, own homes etc. It's never been an issue.

Currently been seeing the same man for 9 months.

It's not all doom and gloom when you're a single parent you know.

This thread makes sad reading particularly the replies that advise the op just to concentrate on her dcs. Yes, they are the number one priority, but the op is an adult woman who has her own needs outside the role of being a mother. I would hate to think I'd miss out on the love, support, passion, friendship and everything else that comes with being in a good relationship and I don't think it has to be that way.

Of course its more difficult to date when you have children, but it's far from impossible. Things just need to be taken more slowly but that's no bad thing overall.

I am seeing a lovely man I met online and we have five children between us so the logistics can be a bit tricky. But it works out, most of the time. Our children all know we're seeing each other, but we're not ready yet to be introduced to each others children. But when we are, again we'll do it slowly and carefully, and I hope it will work out fine.

Don't despair, op, it can work. I've had lots of support on the dating thread - people on there are full of support and advice, so that might help you a bit too.

3DC and one lovely child focused DP

I met him online but not a dating site. We chatted for a very long time in a general friendly way. Our relationship developed slowly, but then, when we 'dated', because I don't have child free time, he met DC fairly early on. Not ideal to do that I know, but he is such a positive influence in their lives that I have no regrets.

I think it's sad that women are often restricted from new relationships because of commitments to children. I don't know what I'd do if I was single now. I cannot imagine introducing lots of men into my DCs lives...but I have no free time so would not be able to meet unless the kids come too!

I remember posting about this and there was a very angry backlash from some women suggesting I was disgusting to even consider a new relationship if it meant involving DC so early into it. Devoting myself to DC then being old and lonely, didn't really seem that necessary...

I'm lucky. DP is a fantastic parental figure - he's a dad and a great dad and my youngest particularly adores him. They have a very special relationship. I feel he has added to our lives

I have 3 dc and I was a single mum for 10 years before I married DH.

I agree with AnotherMumOnHere and think it's best not to introduce partners to your dc until you've been in a relationship for about a year. I'd had relationships in the years before I met DH, and in the early days you often think everything is going well, and you just want them to hang out as it's so hard to sort out childcare etc, but it takes time for cracks in a new relationship to show. In the early rush of a new relationship you tend not to think rationally enough so it was good that I enforced that rule on myself, otherwise my poor kids would have been pretty confused with a series of father figures coming in and out of their lives!

Dating is really hard - I paid out for babysitters rather than bring partners home, because having access to a social/romantic life was, to me, just as important as paying for childcare to go to work. Don't get caught up in the martyrdom of single parenthood - I saw that a lot amongst other lone parents and it's sad how empty life gets when the dc have flown the nest.

The practicalities of becoming more committed in a relationship is also something to think about when you're meeting men. I lost my tax credits when I married DH and our CB will also be going next year, so he is effectively supporting my dc. That works for us, because he sees us as a family and has taken on full responsibility for them, but not all men will see it that way. I specifically didn't want to get into a relationship with a man who already had dc though, because I think the priorities in that sort of blended stepfamily can get quite fraught.

Yes, I feel the same way about men with children. It would certainly complicate things.

Mu1berries, I call him an ex-boyfriend but we have a rather complicated history. He is my soulmate and best friend.

Enoughonmyplate love your thread and you put it so eloquently. I just so hate it when mothers start having every tom dick and harry traipsing through their houses and getting their children to call them 'uncle', just makes the blood in my viens run cold.

Thanks for putting it so well.

Well said ohwestern.

Dating scares the hell out of me. I wouldn't relax if i had another man in the house around my dds. I'm weird. Sworn off man at the grand age of 34!

Sorry not helpful