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Original poster

Casual relationship - talk some sense into me

70 replies

overbythere · 02/12/2012 00:58

I have been seeing a guy since the summer. It was promising to start off with but things became very sexual and not a lot else. We are only seeing each other very occasionally now but text each other every day.

The problem is I know we are not going to get a relationship out of this (we have discussed this) but I can't get him out of my head. He is the first person I think of every morning and the last person I think of at night. I have even started seeing someone else but don't feel the excitement I get with the first guy. I can't move on with things as they are.

I am a grown wonan but I feel like a teenager. I have tried to back off, play it cool, accept a fwb situation. I have tried to end it three times. We just gradually start texting again & then arrange to meet.

I know I am hoping for more than he will give me.
He has told me twice by text in the last week that he loves me! But that has just messed up my head even more.

I know you are going to tell me to end it, tell him to stop contacting me and move on and you are right! I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Feckbox · 02/12/2012 01:05

Is the relationship such as it is making you feel unhappy? Or happy?
Then you have your answer.

ATouchOfStuffing · 02/12/2012 01:06

If he is telling you he loves you then perhaps you had better have that chat about relationships again now. It might well have changed after time, unless there is some other reason you decided against it?
Just because it started out as sexual attraction, doesn't mean you can't fall in love. Be wary of saying it back until you have a convo with him though, is my advice.

wannaBe · 02/12/2012 01:10

talk to him.

"I know we are casual, but you have told me you love me twice this week, has something changed?"

Ime in casual relationships someone always ends up getting too emotionally involved... but just because it's started casual doesn't mean it can't evolve - talk to him.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 01:13

I am too scared to talk to him because I know the truth. Even though he has said he loves me he has also said he gives me his blessing to give it a go with someone else because he can't do a normal relationship. You dont say that if you really want to be with someone do you?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 02/12/2012 01:17

why can't he do a normal relationship?

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 01:21

Good question wannabe. I don't know tbh. I think he means he doesn't want a relationship with me. However picking up from things he has said, he seems to have had a lot of short relationships since the end of his marriage 10 years ago.

OP posts:
BOFingSanta · 02/12/2012 01:23

It seems a bit odd. Is he calling your bluff? Are you both free to be together?

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 01:31

BOFingsanta can I ask what you mean by calling my bluff? Yes we are free to be together if that's what he wanted.

OP posts:
BOFingSanta · 02/12/2012 01:42

I mean, is he challenging you to say that you love him too?

OpheliaPayneAgain · 02/12/2012 07:06

I think he's just being honest that he's playing the field, getting sex where he can, and his divorce damaged him so much that he will never trust or commit again.

Feckbox · 02/12/2012 07:16

Ophelia (fab name ) that's what I thought, which is fair enough . However if op is unhappy because of their ( non ) relationship she should probably avoid contact

CleansLate · 02/12/2012 07:25

"I can't do relationships, I am such a fuckup, stay away" really gets my fucking goat. In my experience it just ends up with "well I did tell you, oh I spoil everything I touch, I am a bad person, I am broken, I can't do relationships" self indulgent crap which carries on to the next person while he (usually a he but not always), gets to feel vindicated, get their ego stroked by how irresistible they must be AND has another sob story about how terrible they feel that yet another person has been hurt by them, all unknowingly.

The thing with casual "I love you but I can't be with you" things is that you get all the emotional cues of being in love, gazing into eyes, being called beautiful, feeling like a queen, with none of the balancing stuff which comes with an actual relationship. If you saw each other every day the shine would wear off him pretty quick IME. But he wouldn't want that, probably spouting some shite about not wanting to get too close or oh I could fall for you but no I am forever half a man.

If you KNOW it can't go how you'd like, please please try to disengage now. Your affection and attentions could be far better spent on someone who wants a true relationship rather than occasional orgies of sex and 'love'.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 02/12/2012 07:41

He represents a challenge to you - I can change him, I can make him mine I will^ get him to commit. You won't - but at least he is upfront about where the relationship is/isn't going - better that than someone who strings you along with false promises.

Incidentally, by giving you permission to go off with other blokes - he's giving himself permission to sleep with other women.

Either accept it for what it is, a bit of fun, or get the hell out before you waste any more time. Only you can make that decision depending on what stage of your life you are at. But if your eggs are about to start screaming 'fertilise me' and your body clock is ticking - this guy isn't going to be Mr ForeverMan

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 07:42

Thanks for your answers. I know you're right. I am holding out for him seeing the light and realising he can't live without me and deciding he wants a relationship after all! I'm glad I've written that because I know that's not going to happen and it sounds pathetic and desperate!

OP posts:
nkf · 02/12/2012 07:46

Please drop him. Can't do a normal relationship. Loves you but you have his blessing to go with someone else. This sort of drama is tiring and annoying and will make you miserable. It drives me mad how men - and women - do this. There should be a phrase drama king.

CleansLate · 02/12/2012 07:55

Don't be hard on yourself overbythere. Try to disconnect. He has manipulated you in my opinion - if he really loved you he wouldn't've put you in this position in the first place, knowing he'd just hurt you and you wanted more.

He just wants to be a tragic hero which is really unbecoming in anyone over 21 (and anyone under, but at least it's par for the course with adolescents).

OpheliaPayneAgain · 02/12/2012 08:03

Just because I'm a nosey cow - what did his ex wife do to him? She must have really stuck the knife in for him to have such an adversion to relationships.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 08:06

Right, what do I say in my 'end it' text? (I won't call him as it might become a discussion.). Last Sunday I sent a 'let's leave it' text. He said no. And I got swept along with it all again.

OP posts:
Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 08:09

ophelia she left him and he brought up the children alone. But I think he would love a relationship, just not with me. So it's easier to say I can't do relationships and I am a bit on the side till he meets someone he really wants to be with. That's my theory anyway.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 02/12/2012 08:09

You say you've started seeing someone else. Does he know you're actually treat in him dreadfully, as he appears to come no-where on you priority list?

The first guy is not only not that interested in you, he's already warping your character in ways that lead you to be somewhat unfair to others.

Hatpin · 02/12/2012 08:10

Do some reading about emotionally unavailable men, OP.

The Baggage Reclaim website is brilliant. I think you will recognize your relationship there.

Do you think you generally tend to pick partners who need rescuing / fixing in some way?

OpheliaPayneAgain · 02/12/2012 08:11

End it text? dumping by text? (I feel really old now)

Umm how about - It was a great summer romance, but we've moved through autumn and into winter, it was never meant to last this long, it's been fun but I want different things than you. I'll remember you affectionately.

(are there that many charcters in a text?)

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 02/12/2012 08:12

A nice, genuine man would not say he loves you knowing that you feel more from him. Honestly he just wouldn't.

What I am saying is that not only does not want a relationship that that he has absolute disregard for your feelings and is playing with you.

I think if you don't end it you will finish up feeling a hell of a lot more hurt than you do now.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 08:13

You're right Edith I have seen new guy five times. Taking it slowly. Not slept with him or invited him to my house as I want to give it a chance. I just don't feel the excitement I feel with the first guy. But you have pricked my conscience with your comments.

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 02/12/2012 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.