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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Casual relationship - talk some sense into me

70 replies

overbythere · 02/12/2012 00:58

I have been seeing a guy since the summer. It was promising to start off with but things became very sexual and not a lot else. We are only seeing each other very occasionally now but text each other every day.

The problem is I know we are not going to get a relationship out of this (we have discussed this) but I can't get him out of my head. He is the first person I think of every morning and the last person I think of at night. I have even started seeing someone else but don't feel the excitement I get with the first guy. I can't move on with things as they are.

I am a grown wonan but I feel like a teenager. I have tried to back off, play it cool, accept a fwb situation. I have tried to end it three times. We just gradually start texting again & then arrange to meet.

I know I am hoping for more than he will give me.
He has told me twice by text in the last week that he loves me! But that has just messed up my head even more.

I know you are going to tell me to end it, tell him to stop contacting me and move on and you are right! I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
CleansLate · 02/12/2012 08:25

I'd go with "I need to focus on the chance of a real relationship, please don't contact me again or I will have to block your number"

There will be a flurry of texts - like last time! - but remember the reason you don't feel the same about the 'new' guy is because with this dude you went from 0-60 and bypassed anything meaningful. It's easy for him to say he loves someone if he knows it's not going anywhere.

Hatpin · 02/12/2012 08:26

X posts but OP, no, don't start going down the "he's not that into me route" cos it will keep you hooked, trying to prove your worth and stop him running off to be in a better relationship with someone else.

He does NOT want to be in a committed relationship. With anyone.

But you do. It's not that your not the right person for him. He'd not the right person for you.

CleansLate · 02/12/2012 08:30

Yeah, he'll carry on doing this as long as someone's buying what he's selling, and the world isn't short of caring women who want to heal someone's pain and teach him to love again. It's SO SO seductive, being someone's Potential Romantic Heroine. Don't let him sell you that line any longer!

(NB I have spent more than my fair share of time crying on people's doorsteps, don't be me!)

Hatpin · 02/12/2012 08:41

you're

Honestly, I wouldn't even bother texting him. He doesn't want a proper relationship and has been playing with your emotions for months? So what do you owe him, exactly?

Block him and get really, really busy, doing lovely things for you.

Fuckitthatlldo · 02/12/2012 08:53

Aw op, being involved with men like this is a nightmare and a one way ticket to the land of no self respect.

He's just saying what he thinks he has to say to keep you invested. That doesn't mean he wants you, just that he doesn't quite want to let go of you as an option.

Please act in your own best interests. The best possible thing that you can do for your self esteem today is to tell him that you are no longer interested in him and what he has to offer.

Bin him op. Then celebrate with your mates.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 08:54

I'm not the kind of person who wants to save people. I just can't understand why he wouldn't want more if I do. Quite conceited really! But I am defo doing the he's just not that into you thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 08:57

fuckitthatlldo you are spot on. I am just an option. I shall call it a day today!

OP posts:
HisstletoeAndWhine · 02/12/2012 09:39

Do! He's fucking with your head! Not allowing you to end it, the intense start, the ouit of control feeling? All red flags.

Be brave, you need to learn fromthis man, that you are worth SHED loads more, and move on.

Don't allow yourself to be maniplulated into keeping this dead duck.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 10:36

He has been texting since 8.30 this morning asking about my night out last night (almost checking up?) I don't have the headspace for it all!

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 02/12/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CleansLate · 02/12/2012 10:56

Seriously, say you don't want to be in contact with him anymore and delete his number/email/block him/REALLY! He is trying to keep you hooked!

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 11:06

Now he's asked me to something in two weeks time. Thanks cleanslate and everyone. You are saying exactly what I need you to say.

OP posts:
CleansLate · 02/12/2012 11:09

oooooo he is a fucking COCK isn't he! Inviting you to something! Stringing you along more like. Or maybe he hasn't got anyone else biting just at the moment.

Tell him NO, you don't want to be in contact with him anymore, delete his number/block him etc!

Wine
SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 02/12/2012 11:10

SOme people are simply not into monogamous relationships. He has been truthful about the fact that he is one of these people. If that's not what you want, take responsibility for yourself and walk away.

Helltotheno · 02/12/2012 11:12

Look OP I actually don't feel as harshly towards this guy as others do. His wife left him obviously brokenhearted and he brought up their kids, have I got that right? He's spelled it out to you that he doesn't want a committed relationship... that much you know and that's really all there is to know. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you and doesn't like the sex but it's a very very rare human being who'll give up something that's pleasurable/useful in the short-term even when they know that thing is not right for the other person in the long-term: it happens all the time, and not just in sexual relationships.

It's up to you here, not him. You have all the info you need, you have your answer. Stop bemoaning this and trying to will it otherwise, just act!

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 02/12/2012 11:13

Here's a thing. Why don't you actually talk to him about it all, and find out exactly where the land lies? Then you can decide if it's for you or if you want to walk away.

FloralWellies · 02/12/2012 11:15

Seriously just tell him you are no longer interested and tbh, I would change my number.
He will of course try and "woo" you and you will think he's changed, but don't fall for it. I would just have a bit of time alone and them see how you feel about guy no.2

You lose nothing by making a guy wait

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 11:19

I am too scared to talk to him. I am trying to protect myself from all the feelings by playing it cool. I can't be hurt. I have been through too much in the last year (marriage breakdown amongst other things.) This is still my annus horribilus!

OP posts:
BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 02/12/2012 11:23

But you're making it worse for yourself by leaving yourself in this kind of limbo! And (I don't mean this to sound unkind, although I know it does) not talking about it is not a very mature way to deal with it.

If you talk to him, you are taking control of the situation, rather than letting him/the situation control you.

CleansLate · 02/12/2012 11:23

If you are playing it cool then you are still playing. Engaging, keeping it going, making yourself vulnerable, sabotaging the chance of anything meaningful with someone else.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/12/2012 11:29

Oh, your marriage only broke down this year? Then, my dear, I suspect you are suffering from a bad case of rebounditis. If he was the first man to fill that gap left by a recently-broken long-term relationship, then he will feel special; but that doesn't mean he is Mr Right, only that he was in the right place at the right time.

janelikesjam · 02/12/2012 11:37

Sex, I think it can be a very bonding experience for women, which is why it can be difficult to leave, especially if he is still ramping the sex aspect up which he obviously is. Which is why IMO its better to find out before you have sex with a man if at the most basic level he can have a "normal" relationship or is a kind or genuine person. It can be hard to undo / unravel once its started in this direction.

I also think its mean to tell you he loves you at the same time as refusing to have a relationshp with you. Very mean, unaware, or manipulative (take your pick!)

So, you can do two things.

  1. Have another deep discussion about this. I doubt it would change anything though it might satisfy your curiosity. It depends if you are really puzzled or if you really do know already. If its the latter, why waste your time?
  1. Just ignore him. Ignore his texts. Change your phone, block his emails and so forth. In a few weeks he'll drop it and move on.

If you have kept a diary of some kind of his actions and how unhappy he has made you feel, perhaps make it into a little booklet and keep it as a reminder for those times you weaken and forget the bad times.

Good luck.

janelikesjam · 02/12/2012 11:41

p.s. out of the frying pan into the fire dynamic. Ah yes, I've done that, a version of one nail drives out another going horribly wrong!

But once thats over, I bet you will be alot more free and self-aware from now on Smile.

Original poster
overbythere · 02/12/2012 12:09

Yes I have learnt such a lot from this short relationship having been with the ex for 15 years. And yes janelikesjam I am a typical woman in that I can't dissociate sex from feelings (even though I thought I could.) I am going out for the day and will ignore any texts with a view to continuing to ignore or send a final I don't want to see you any more text tonight. Thanks again guys.

OP posts:
Fuckitthatlldo · 02/12/2012 13:50

Stay resolute op.

This man will be only too happy to do your head in for as long as you let him.

(speaks from bitter experience)

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