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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual relationship - talk some sense into me

70 replies

overbythere · 02/12/2012 00:58

I have been seeing a guy since the summer. It was promising to start off with but things became very sexual and not a lot else. We are only seeing each other very occasionally now but text each other every day.

The problem is I know we are not going to get a relationship out of this (we have discussed this) but I can't get him out of my head. He is the first person I think of every morning and the last person I think of at night. I have even started seeing someone else but don't feel the excitement I get with the first guy. I can't move on with things as they are.

I am a grown wonan but I feel like a teenager. I have tried to back off, play it cool, accept a fwb situation. I have tried to end it three times. We just gradually start texting again & then arrange to meet.

I know I am hoping for more than he will give me.
He has told me twice by text in the last week that he loves me! But that has just messed up my head even more.

I know you are going to tell me to end it, tell him to stop contacting me and move on and you are right! I feel so stupid.

OP posts:

Feckbox · 02/12/2012 14:56

it's astonishing how much some here are extrapolating about this man!!

OP has told us virtually nothing about him and yet people are making all sorts of negative character judgements.

There's bugger all wrong with wanting a fun casual relationship based around sex and occasional dates if you are upfront about it.

Helltotheno · 02/12/2012 16:46

I tend to agree. He's told OP there's going to be no permanent relationship but she decided to carry on in spite of that... unless I'm missing something. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... as the saying goes.

arequipa · 02/12/2012 22:54

Don't we desire what we can't have? Who can say if you would be fantasising about him all the time if he was behaving like Mr Nice Guy and there was no excitement in the unrequited. It's an old story, isn't it? I don't mean you're playing games on purpose - I just think that's human nature. So long as you're not in a committed relationship with him, you can imagine all sorts of lovely things about what it would be like and have an ideal relationship in your head - based on the sexual chemistry.

Feckbox · 02/12/2012 23:08

arequipa, good point. in fact, sounds almost like the ideal relationship - mostly imaginary, but with actual sex

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2012 23:18

he sounds like a head-fucking, self-loving wanker

do yourself a favour and be the first to dump

he will be off like a shot as soon as he thinks he has you hooked

it's all a game, until he sees the next one

he hasn't been honest at all...he is doing fair attempt at wrecking your self confidence with half-truths and romantic bollocks

ginnyjeans · 03/12/2012 12:20

Ah - the 'I don't want a relationship' kind of guy. I have some experience with these. Last year after the end of my marriage I naively became involved with one. Like you, a long marriage - so was inexperienced with men. I knew it wasn't going anywhere but somehow the man got under my skin. I tried to call it, he tried to call it but we still kept seeing each other. Sex was amazing, never ran out of conversation, we laughed till we cried, spent hours on the phone. He said he loved being with me, loved our time together. Then said when the time was right he'd want to meet my daughter. 3 1/2 months in I got 'I met someone last night and she's really nice, just want to be honest'. I did sleep with him again , once,ffour weeks later. He said we couldn't keep seeing each other, he wasn't a good guy. Saw him eight weeks later with his new girlfriend (which btw didn't last). He did want a relationship - just not with me. A year later and I still think about him - though not as much. And thankfully - my drunken texting has now stopped.

Did I learn my lesson? No! Mr 'I don't want a relationship' no. 2 came along in May. I ended it with him finally Saturday night. I thought - what am I doing? I deserve more than this. This guy doesnt put me first. I only see him once a week at the most. A night out with his friends would come before a night with me. I deserve more!

And so do you. ;-) x

Original poster

overbythere · 03/12/2012 13:18

I know I know I know. Ginnyjeans your story is the same as mine. I don't know what I'm hanging on for. It doesn't make you feel great does it? I hope guy number 2 doesnt turn out to be non-relationship guy no 2 though!
I haven't been texting first guy so just going to ignore. How long will it take for him to get out of my head? I reckon after a fortnight of no contact I would probably be ok.

OP posts:

aPirateInaPearTree · 03/12/2012 13:24

yep as was suggested Baggage Reclaim site is brilliant.

she is a bloody genius.

no contact rule. stick to that and it basically sorts your life out for you. BUT, it's you who enforces it and who is therefore calling the relationship off by using it. It's just a never ending circle you will be stuck in otherwise.

aPirateInaPearTree · 03/12/2012 13:27

honestly, i f you keep talking to yourself, make a pact with yourself, it takes a much shorter time than you think.

detach. say to yourself, this is bollocks, it's boring, it's draining. ( i have done this myself this past week) Yes i am feeling, pissed off, confused ---- whatever, but it will pass, day by day!
stick to feeling strong for you. keep at it and it will be so much better in the end.

Original poster

overbythere · 03/12/2012 15:04

I know you are right. But these are the messages in my head. I'll
just go to the thing he's invited me to in a fortnight. I'll just give it till
Christmas then call it a day. Why don't we meet up once more for old time's sake? I'll finish it if/when I sleep with guy no 2. This is how it's ended up being this long!

OP posts:

Scrazy · 03/12/2012 15:27

Please try and concentrate on guy no 2. Read this thread with interest and wish I had a guy no. 2 . I fantasise about meeting someone decent as I'm stuck in a 'relationship' such as you describe.

I've been single years so cannot even blame me being inexperienced.

My advice to you is to drop him asap and mean it. Change your phone number. I'm going to do this in the new year. Like you I've tried to break it off, tried to accept it and it's emotionally draining.

Good luck and I really hope guy no. 2 comes right for you. I wouldn't sleep with anyone who 'doesn't want a relationship' ever again.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2012 15:50

Get rid of the fuckwit and you will be well over it for Xmas. Happy days !

Feckthehalls · 03/12/2012 18:13

Don't concentrate on ANY man - concentrate on yourself

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 03/12/2012 18:26

Some people do not want relationships, or monogamy. But some other people persist in not listening and not believing us, and even lying about the fact that they can 'handle it' - and yet we're always the villains. If you keep chasing someone and hoping that s/he will have a change of heart, despite having been told more than once that a longterm commitment is not on offer, then you are mostly responsible for your own distress.

Scrazy · 03/12/2012 18:54

Solidgold, It's not always that simple though. You don't always know that you are falling for someone as you are doing the casual dating thing. I've done dating plenty of times without wanting a full commitment but if you fall in love, it can be cruel for someone to carry on chasing you.

Original poster

overbythere · 03/12/2012 19:05

I'm not in love with this guy fortunately. And to the poster who said we want what we can't have - spot on. A 'normal' relationship probably would not last if I'm honest. It's the can't get him out of my head thing that's the problem. And the rollercoaster of emotions. That might be because I have come out of a long relationship.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2012 19:08

The thing is though, sgb, this bloke has been manipulative in that he has said one thing and done another. Pronounced he "didn't want a relationship" then tells OP he loves her, makes plans for the future and just when she is backing off because he is blowing cold again, he pops up to stoke the fire (as it were)

You non-monogamous types need to be consistent as well as clear, IMO

Apocalypto · 03/12/2012 19:12

He likes shagging you but if it ended tomorrow it wouldn't be the end of his world, there'll be another one along in a minute.

see, before he was married he had to act all grown up and like a potential partner and make out like what he wanted was a relationship. It was just one of those chores he had to go through 20 years ago to get women to open their legs for him.

He's since discovered that he can have lots of different women without any strings attached at all. The women on offer to him now are 20 years older, more sexually confident and less in need of a relationship. More importantly, their expectations of him have been getting lower because, well, that's what happens after 20 years of relationships with men.

So his choice is between uncomplicated rumpy pumpy with lots of different women plus he gets to keep his own space, social life, mobile phone privacy, porn habit, and football season ticket. Or it's complicated rumpy pumpy with one woman, where conditions gradually start to get added. Exclusivity....fidelity....staying in and giving you back rubs...coupley weekends in hotels...meeting your mother and saying how much he likes her, really. Ugh.

Plus of course there's a very good chance that you'll consent to be one of the many women rather the only one. Or that you won't find out you are.

I'm overstating it for effect, but honestly, I don't think there's anything here for you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2012 19:17

You put it so well, Apocalypto

And make me remember how very glad I am to be a married monogamist

Original poster

overbythere · 03/12/2012 19:52

Wow apocaylpto, funny and sad but true.

OP posts:

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