Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

It's the idea that all men behave like this and that their wives and partners should just put up and shut up that gets me. Especially when it is said by other women. My DH simply does not behave like this and never would and we have brought up our sons in the same way. If I hear that they have visited sex clubs, they would get a flea in their ear from me and DH and they know it. I just don't think they would as they respect women.

It is actually ridiculous to say that partners should just accept it.

What if it were the other way round and the husband found out that, 3 years ago, his wife danced naked for another man. Would he just accept it as 'a bit of fun'.

What if lots of her friends did it too. Would that be ok because 'everyone's doing it'?

If it weren't so sad it would be funny.

Ha ha listen to you all, Any Expletive and her little disciples still having a dig at the OP because she didn't file for divorce and that you didn't get your kicks from knowing you contributed to wrecking another relationship.

AF - could you just try for a deletion - there's nowt on the telly and I've finished my work?
I think that says it all really...........and you call me sad!

Sad Dad, could you find on this thread please where I have urged op to divorce her husband

DadDancer

I can't see anyone saying leave the bastard on this thread

The only people doing the relationship wrecking are those who are choosing to look outside of their relationships for their sexual kicks.

The only people doing the relationship wrecking are those who are choosing to look outside of their relationships for their sexual kicks

Beautifully put, MadAbout.

I can Anyfucker

Add message | Report | Message poster AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:10:13
Hitchy, wouldn't you rather be married to a man than a boy ?

You heard the term "man up". Boys mature into men

I might be inclined to believe you it was just meant as such, if it was followed up by some wise, insightful advice on how to improve the relationship.

Except that never happens.

"AF - could you just try for a deletion - there's nowt on the telly and I've finished my work?"

Words fail me.

Would that be a permanent failure?

Yah know.

Normally I hate to disappoint people.
But cos your so special, in your case I will make an exception.

Resorting to insults now Izzy? Very grown up!
Maybe nobody actually said the words "leave the bastard" you are far more subtle than that.
But leading the OP to think that this wasn't a one off, that her DH has no respect for her and then patronising the hell out of her by telling her she has her head in the sand when she says she believes him and wants to move on ... making her question her marriage.
That is disgusting!

What is so disgusting about questioning a marriage where perhaps there is some underlying respect issues?

If there are none, great. However, there is a definite tendency for women to "put up and shut up" when it comes to this hilarious type of male behaviour - despite how they actually feel about it.

I would certainly want any woman to ask themselves why they have had to go through counselling to be able to put up with the man they are married to, or why they feel they cannot bring up issues which are upsetting them. People on this thread have said the best policy is to just not ask what goes on on a stag do.......I mean really? Is that the best we can expect from our life partners? The man does what they like and the woman just sucks it up cos it's what men do, yet building resentment every day, ultimately not having a happy marriage.

Mcmooncup

Your post would be the IDEAL repsonse. Woman giving other women the space to validate their feelings and equipping them with tools to speak openly to their partners and confidence to demand change.

The ultimate goal should be to repair and rebuild the marriage by putting things into perspective , looking at the postives and evaluting the marriage.

Except that is not what has happened or on hundreds of other threads. Instead as Kaluki says its just about putting horrid ideas into the ops head, a sense of disappointment the marriage hasnt ended and downright abuse to anyone not on the " ltb" side.

Did all those things definitely apply in the OPs marriage then? Because the impression I got was that it was one time and he is a good husband who the OP loves and respects. It is one issue in an otherwise happy relationship as far as I can see.
Too much projection going on - not all men are the same. Some of them are human and make mistakes just like us. It doesn't make them sexist abusive pigs because they had ONE lapdance at a stag do!
But I can go on till I turn blue - it will make no difference.
Thank Goodness the OP and her DH have sorted things out and she didn't listen to all the man haters.

FB - I disagree that the ultimate aim is always to repair and rebuild a marriage. My point is that many women have swallowed this rhetoric as fact and by doing so park their valid feelings and values aside. Ultimately leading to resentful unhappy existences.

Kaluki - I think you need to remind yourself what being sexist actually is.

sex·ism (skszm)
n.

1. Discrimination based on gender, especially discrimination against women.
2. Attitudes, conditions, or behaviors that promote stereotyping of social roles based on gender.

If you look at the dictionary definition Going to a lapdancing club = sexist. Because it is promoting the stereotypical view that women are for the sexual pleasure of men and is a demonstration of a sexist attitude.
Sending half naked pictures of women to other men and talking about how much you would want to "do 'em" is sexist because again it is reducing women to the stereotypical view of them being sexual objects, and again is demonstrating a sexist attitude.

I didn't make the definition of sexism up. But if someone demonstrates sexist behaviour then it makes them sexist.

You say that there is an opinion that all men are the same. Actually the only people who are saying men are all the same are those defending lapdancing - saying "it's just how men are", "wow, yes he's a man". If you read the 'other sides' posts, it is the opposite, they are saying not all men are sexist, indeed those that don't go to lap dancing clubs and send naked leering texts to their mates are not sexist.

I dont find this a problem its a dance, most of these women are married with kids simply doing a job. It doesnt mean a man has no respect in his wife or marraige. My husband been a few times and always discloses all the nights antics ive also been with him and there classy clubs not seedy little places you would think. I dont see any harm in it tbh if theres trust and respect there for each other.

mreEbruce - "if theres trust and respect there for each other"

In OP's case = no trust because he lied
Respect = consistently demonstrates a lack of respect for women by his continued leering texts etc. Op is a woman so by definition disrespected.

Alright mooncup we get it!
You own a dictionary!!!

Good post mooncup

i am not saying a word!!

< hard stare at TFC >

eek!

My husband been a few times and always discloses all the nights antics ive also been with him and there classy clubs not seedy little places you would think. I dont see any harm in it tbh if theres trust and respect there for each other

That's fine if it's something that you've agreed within your relationship. You've discussed it and he understands how you feel. Presumably, you have agreed the boundaries such as no shagging prostitutes, or whatever.

It's up to individuals to decide what behaviour is acceptable to them. It doesn't mean that OP is wrong because she is upset by this. It doesn't mean that you are wrong for not minding. Each to their own.

But this is primarily a thread about lack of respect, disregard for a partner's wishes or feelings, cheating and lying. That is why many posters have suggested that OP have a good look at her relationship.