OK. LETS GET THIS OFF OUR CHESTS .... if you COULD write a letter to the OW .....

[stoopidCUPID]

.... what would you say?

OK - I SHOULD STATE HERE THAT I HAVE NAME CHANGED FOR THIS ONE.

Now, yes, I know in RL this is a real NO NO - but my thinking is, hey, why dont we all offload on MN and get this out of our systems?

Personally, I just wouldnt go there, in real terms, if you see what I mean - I just wouldnt post that letter/send that email.

But boy oh boy it would be nice to just vent my feelings and basically just say piss off - but without the explitives! lol

(Im actually off to bed right now but I promise to add mine later this weekend)

So, come on everyone - VENT VENT VENT VENT

[SoupDragon]

Fuckitthatlldo Where, exactly, is the misogymy? This thread is not about hating women it is about hating people who think it OK to start a relationship with someone they know has a family at home.

I find all this "it's not the OW's fault" stuff tiresome bollocks. She is equally to blame, as is an Other Man.

[SoupDragon]

She's probably just an ordinary woman like you

No fucking way. I know that I am a far better person than she is because I would never knowingly start a relationship with a man who has a pregnant wife and two small children.

[BornToFolk]

I find all this "it's not the OW's fault" stuff tiresome bollocks. She is equally to blame, as is an Other Man.

Quite. "My" OW was someone I considered a friend. She fucked my partner in my bed when I was at work.
I'm not supposed to be angry with her about that.

She's moved her husband out of her house and my exP in, with her two small children, in the space of 4 months. Ordinary woman? I really hope not.

[BornToFolk]

Sorry, that should have been "I'm not supposed to be angry with her about that?"

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

Hmm slightly different vain from me...

OW - watch your back. You are not discreet. Loverboy is not discreet. Half the village know that you are having an affair with 'the mouse'. The other half think you are married to the mouse and are having an affair with 'the one that looks like a bouncer'...just in case you have worked it out that is your husband. Folks can't work out who is the father of your children. The kids in the playground know. The parents in the playground know. Your neighbours all know. Your husband's mates all know. It is only a matter of time before your husband - or worse still - your kids find out. Then you will find out what it is really like to have your world ripped apart.

[Fuckitthatlldo]

No I have never been an OW. And I'm certainly no saint either! But still, I am uncomfortable with some of the stuff I am reading.

The misogyny I was referring to is in some of the language used - the sort of degrading, sexually shaming language that is usually the preserve of male misogynists.

Soupdragon I wasn't suggesting you had no right to be angry at all. It is just the strength of the bitterness in some of the posts that shocks me. I don't agree that the other woman (particularly if she is a stranger) is equally to blame. She didn't make any commitment or promises to any of you. She hasn't been the one lying to your face and making you feel as though you are going mad. Who knows what sort of lies your husbands and partners may have been spinning? She may have genuinely believed that your marriage was over.

Statistics show the vast majority of people have been involved in some degree of infidelity at some point in their lives. It's unpleasant but it is not a crime.

[tadpoles]

"people who think it OK to start a relationship with someone they know has a family at home."

Yes - but those people also include the husbands who decided it was okay. And you cannot argue against the fact that the husband has a greater responsibility towards the marriage than the other woman.

Also, I believe what happens quite often is that the married man identifies a 'soft target' - a woman whose self-esteem is low or who is particularly susceptible to flattery. Sometimes I think what happens is that another woman falls for a married man (maybe after some flattering attention/flirting etc). The married man recognises that a woman who is in love is much more likely to want to have sex with him - and hey presto - he has two women fighting over him.

Best course of action is to dump him or at least withdraw all affection and physical attention. Or take up your own lover perhaps - nothing like a bit of competition to spur someone into action.

But the spite and anger that is directed at the other woman should probably be more directed at the errant husband who thought too little and too late about his family when he had the tantalising opportunity to have sex with another woman.

(And, no, she didn't pin him down and pull his trousers off! I've been on the receiving end of a married man trying to seduced me and believe me, they pull all the stops out, much more than a single man would, as they know they have the disadvantage of wife at home.)

[ErikNorseman]

Hey. We are allowed to direct our 'spite' wherever we please.

[mumof4sons]

Dear OW

Firstly I'd like to thank you for the dramatic weight loss plan. I needed to lose 2 stone and you really helped with that. I've never looked better.

Secondly, thank you for taking the selfish bastard off my hands. You two deserve each other. I wish you every success in a relationship based on lying and cheating to your previous partners.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank you for destroying a family. Whilst I know you didn't do it all yourself and you had the help from a bastard, you encouraged it. You must be so proud of yourself.

I wish you both well in that lovely 5 bedroomed Suffolk farmhouse, while his children and I struggle with the expense of day to day living. I'm so glad that my son's school fees paid for your fancy holiday to Egypt. By the way he is loving the local comprhensive school.

And thank you for being so supportive of my eldsest DS mental state. The OCD has really come on leaps and bounds and the depression gotten worse since you came into his life. I know that slap around his face really did him the world of good.

All the best - you've done womanhood proud.

[SoupDragon]

And you cannot argue against the fact that the husband has a greater responsibility towards the marriage than the other woman.

I can argue the fact that shagging someone you know has a wife and family at home makes you just as morally corrupt. Clearly you and I are very different people.

[MrsFlibble]

I can argue the fact that shagging someone you know has a wife and family at home makes you just as morally corrupt. Clearly you and I are very different people.

Agreed, shagging someone who has a family at home waiting, mostly suggest they have confidence issue, and luring the man away is a goal for some people, some people are used and caught in a trap, but knowledge makes you powerful, if people choose to ignore that knowledge, then they are no better.

[SoupDragon]

She may have genuinely believed that your marriage was over.

You need to learn to read. I said I would never knowingly start a relationship with a man who has a pregnant wife and two small children. Key words being knowingly and pregnant wife.

Yes, an OW or OM who knows there is a partner and children at home is equally to blame. I couldn't give a stuff whether you agree with this or not. However, I do feel that it says a lot about someone if they think there is no blame to be answered when someone shagging a married person. I would never do it so I judge others by my personal moral code.

[ickywickyyicky]

Mine would be:

Why did you say over 3 pages of blather you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and give it to him in a bright yellow envelope, rather than being discreet. And why did you think he wanted you after you forcibly stripped him and he couldn't get it up and then said nothing until you left. How can that be a successful 'reunion'?!? And why did you tell him to hug my daughter for you. And then why, only two days later, when I told you you could have him, did you suddenly not want him.

Why should I care whether your family finds out and you lose your kids, or your husband gets angry - why shouldn't he get angry. My DD has suffered because of you - why should I care about you - you are so not my problem!

And on the subject of OW - yes some of them know exactly what they are doing - and if you don't believe that, go and read a psychology book. Apparently trashing marriages is a way of exacting revenge on the male species when they have had an inadequate / unreliable father figure.

In the case of the OW with my H - she got in touch on FB - he confided in her about his Dad's abusive parents and skanky siblings (as she came from the same background). She knew he was depressed and I was abroad and she probably just saw an easy target. She then chased him by sending the Fifty Shades of Grey, and demanding gifts and telling lies about how her husband beat her up and how she needed protecting and was sooo frightened. He knew her father had beaten her up as a child - so he was an easy target. She kept on pursuing, after he told her we were trying for a baby.

After I found out, she promised me she would never contact him again, because she felt like a nasty person. Then she told me that I couldn't divorce him because it would make her life difficult and I should encourage them to be friends. Then (because she had keys to his house down south) told him how she had had counselling for violence, and made him believe his house would get trashed if he didn't play ball.

My DH is a pathetic tosser - and I will never think of him any other way - however she did pursue him unrelentingly - and I do believe him that he thought he'd be going anyway after the first mistake, so why resist her.

Subsequently he found out about her true colours, when he met other people from school who will not let their wives go out with her, and the blinkers fell off. He knew her at 11-16 and thought she was sweet and vulnerable. Didn't see the slapper that was blindingly obvious to any woman from her facebook page. Turns out that she has a track record for unrelentingly targetting married men, staying around long enough to trash their marriages, and then running off. Why shouldn't I despise someone like that?!

If a man had done to a woman, what she did to him, then we would condemn them and call it sexual assault - why are we always blaming the men ...... to me it is clearly 50:50 blame. He tried to talk to her about why she kept stripping him when he said no - she just laughed and made out he should have liked it!

[potatocakes]

Fuckitthatlldo the other woman in my case actually knew i was pregnant and had two children, she persued him anyway. She slept with him when fertile on purpose so she could try and get pregnant immediately, and they are both after having my children as well as their own. I don't hate women who have affairs, i know they happen. it wouldn't hurt so much if they had left peacefully, but between the two of them they are systematically trying to "destroy me" in my husband's own words... I feel i am justified in how i feel, and what i wrote.

Also this thread has actually been really cathartic for me, made me feel like i was taking the power back a little without actually having to say it to her face :)

[worldcitizen]

Fuckitthatlldo I am sorry, I am trying to say this kindly, but I am writing to tell you how embarrassed I feel for you...

Seriously, please go back to the very first post starting with the OP and then please kindly "shut the door behind you" after some apologies

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

how lovely, penny

go back to defending porn...you might get more support

[pennymixup]

and when did I defend porn 'Anyfuckerforamincepie'?
nowt wrong with it anyhoo

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

thought you might say that

[worldcitizen]

penny how old are you?

Do you have nothing better to do with yourself, than having to gate-crash???

[frazzlerock]

Dear NW (new woman)

Well done for hanging onto him for this long. Don't get too comfortable mind. He will pull that rug from beneath you when you very least expect it, just like he did to me and the several other women between me and you.
He has a very nasty side and will spread lies about you to make himself look like the rational one. Yes he's doing very well for himself now, the big DJ hooking up with all those amazing artists now, but just you wait NW.
I can see 'I am the big I am' rearing it's ugly head once more.
He may be pretty, he may be intelligent, he's (no doubt) promised you the world on a plate. But please do not get sucked in NW.
He will ruin you.
The man is poisonous.
He will suck the life out of you.

Best of luck! You're going to need it....

[iwantanafternoonnap]

erm I sent my letter and the link yeasterday and I got a reply. She said I do not need to warn her as she would rather have loved and lost than not not loved at all (bauk!), that I clearly don't know her as I wouldn't judge her if I did and that I have no idea what I am talking about.

She also said that if I thought she was so lacking in morals why did I let her near my DS. Erm I had no fucking choice that's why!! Oh and she said that because she neither has children nor wants them than she can be objective and has always been on my side and trying to make ex see things from my point of view. Really...fucking really!!! SO when they were trying to take me to court to throw me out of my house that was being on my side!!!

Anyway although I have clearly made myself look like a psycho nutter I do feel better.

They have made the choice not to have DS in their lives and that suits me fine as my DS clearly got in their way anyway.

[Abitwobblynow]

Dear OW,

I don't think you are a bad person (although I think you are really stupid to forget that married men lie), I know how good looking he is and how compelling he can be, and I don't doubt what he said to you in order to get you to believe how much he loved you and that he wasn't in a marriage any more in anything but name. That I kept flying back and forth to be with the children probably helped your rationalisation that we were separated.

But really, did you have to help hurt me so much? Where is your self-esteem, that you consented to being f ed in my house, in my bed??? How did it feel, when I used to ring up whilst you were there? Surely you could hear that there was no conflict? And then you would walk upstairs in my house, and have sex in one of the rooms. When he clearly chose you above me, his wife (in stuff only you he and I know about), you must have felt soooo loved! Of course you made him more happy! Of course you were more important! Whatever I did or did not do I did not deserve to be hurt and devalued like this.

I want you to know that I really loved him. I know we had problems, that he never gave, that I always sacrificed, but I thought that if I just said the right thing, made enough effort, that we would connect...

but you know, we are in the same boat now. When I finally had enough of the mistreatment and found you, he dumped you summarily and without remorse. So we both found out his real persona, at round about the same time. We have both been treated as objects and used.

I am so sorry you got hurt and humiliated like that; but I wish you had thought just a little bit about mine, and my wonderful children. The Dalai Lama says: 'above all other things, can we not hurt eachother?'

I earnestly hope and aspire that I never hurt someone the way you helped hurt and humiliate me. The Hippocratic Oath says: 'above all, do no harm'. Jesus said: 'love your neighbour, as you love yourself.'

When we forget these truths, we forget our humanity.