Things have been wrong for a long time in my marriage, a lot of things have been done in the past and I have excelled at brushing things under the carpet and just giving the pretence to the entire world that everything is fine. i want to leave and i want to be free of all this and i dont know if i have the courage to do it.
My DH has had multiple affairs/flings basically sinc we got married. He has admitted nothing and apparently I am a paranoid freak. However I have been contacted by an OW, who actually was calling just because she had discovered he had another OW and was put out abou this so decided to phone me. I have seen condemming text messages, I have even overheard him on the phone late at night to another woman. I have seen photos of other women kept in this egotistical wallet of photos he keeps. Photos that I know have been taken since he met me.
He has done it again. And again. And again. Multiple affairs, he even once jetted off to another country to meet up with a girl he met whilst we were on holiday, DS1 was 1 at the time.. I only found out as I came across some photos of this girl ? and I wracked my brains as to where I had seen her before. It came back to me that she was a woman we had met whilst on holiday. Of course again I was not right in the head ,and this had been a work trip. Yes that?s why there are pictures with your arms around her in what appears to be her apartment.
All the while in between he would be the prefect husband and father to the outside world. I just put up with it all like an idiot because he was good to me and kept up the pretence of loving me and treating me right in every other way apart from th efact he was fucking other women any time he could. Also because I just don?t know where to start how to look after two boys by myself , we have a nice house a nice life all funded by him and I don?t know how I will survive. I also felt I didn't deserve any better. It?s just pathetic. I have been pathetic. I am pathetic. He has told me in the past no one else will ever want me, why would they? I have nothing to give or attract anyone.
On top of this, gradually he has become more blatant in his behaviour and doesn?t even try to hide what he is up to. Like he doesn?t even have the decency to hide it.
Yet if I confront him , he just refuses to talk about it and says I am imagining things. Well, I don?t imagine him sleeping at someone else?s house 3 to 4 nights a week. I don?t imagine him refusing to tell me where he has been. I don?t imagine ANY of this , it happens. ? I think to myself if this is how it is what is it going to be like in 5 ten years time. He has so little respect for me at all. I am totally unloved and apparently unloveable. He is alo going to influence my two beautiful sweet boys.
So over the past two weeks he has been absolutely terrible to me ? every Friday he stays over at a ?friends? . Last week he stayed 5 nights Monday to Friday ? telling me he was working late and then his company put him up in a hotel at short notice. He thinks I?m an idiot ? he works for a council ? they don?t do things like that ? and we only live 4 miles from his place of work. FFS. He turned up each morning to take them to school and that was the only time he saw them. I took them out on the Saturday whilst he stayed at home and he took them out on Sunday and spoilt them with gifts.
I did not speak to him at all , the whole weekend apart from to do with the DSs ? and he was unable to even make eye contact me. He then sent me an email on Monday when back at work . He said he had been behaved terribly, he was sorry, he was stressed at work and needed some time out. Note, I also work fulltime and also do everything at home, but i dont get time out . In fact on the rare occasion I do get out I get paid back big time in many ways, so it is just not worth the hassle. His only task is the school run in the morning, and even then I have everything ready and looked out so all he needs to do is make sure they are dressed and drop them off at the school.
So come Monday this week I expected he would come home after work , particularly after his email ? he didn?t . He phoned me saying he was working late ? though I could tell he had been drinking. Same thing Tuesday and Wednesady.
I then cracked and sent him a text saying that I can?t take anymore and we have to end this. I have said this before but last night I actually meant it. And some how he knew that this time he has gone to far and i do mean it this time..
I am terrified of what I have done and the next step. I have a lovely friend at work who I have told recent events to, who despite being a good deal younger than me and with less life experience if you like - she has been absolutely great. I can?t tell her everything as I am totally ashamed how long i have let this go on. She will think I am a lunatic. I have only told her recent stuff - not the truth which is that I have put up with this basically since we got married. Apart from this girl i feel totally isolated ? and I don?t want to offload onto her and make all this a burden to her. But i feel i have taken a huge step by telling just one person.
I just don?t know what the next step is. We need to separate . I can?t do it anymore.
He knows I mean it and from going mad at me via text message last night he is now trying to talk me round. Please help me stay strong and see this through. Tonight he only came home because i mailed him to say i had a meeting at the school and i needed to go. I have just come in and he is acting like father of the year and acting like nothing is wrong. He helped with th ehomework before i went out. He has never done this, he helped with the dishes. He has never done this either. He is gnoring me of course and I have no chance to speak to him as the DS's are glued to him having not seen much of him of late. .
I have no friend s near by ? though I have my mum who is 78 and frail and I don?t feel I can offload to. The rest of my family are perfect people with perfect relationships and I don?t think will relate to this at all ? or will tell me just to soldier on ? people don?t get divorced in this family. I am living in a kind of living hell , all my own doing.
He apologised today for sending me derogatory texts, he didn?t mean it apparently he was frightened of losing me. We are everything to him apparently.
But last night this was all my fault ? in his words he shouldn?t have to work his butt off and come home to an old, fat frump like me who is cold unloving, does not cook every night and does not give him what he needs. Partly I can see where he is coming from - I have emotionally distanced myself from him ? are there any women out there that could be all over a man that has had so many affairs? Tells so many lies? Old? yes maybe, (im 41) Fat? that?s debatable I?m 5?9 and 11.5 stone ? and size 12 down below and a 14 up top. Frumpy, well I don?t know what to say to that I try to keep up with fashions without dressing like a teenager and I never leave the house without make up or doing my hair. I just feel worthless and stupid. I am frightened what to do next, I don?t earn enough to support myself and the DS?s ? I could afford rent but nothing else.
I don?t even know why I am posting this ? though writing it down makes it seem more real and I?m hoping some of you will keep me strong in seeing this through. Should I see a soilictor ? do we need to legally separate? Can I ask him to move out in the interim? Does he have too if I ask him? Can he make me leave. I?m going nowhere without the DS?s.
Sorry this is so long and I?m probably rambling. I feel like I am rambling. If you have got this far well done. Now he has gone to bed taking the DS's with him into our room, which i never usually allow. To exclude me obviuosly from them. He is punishment mode now to me. He is a nasty arsehole to me and Mr Perfection to the rest of the world.