How do i do this? I need to leave my DH and i dont know how or where to go

[Weeteeny]

Things have been wrong for a long time in my marriage, a lot of things have been done in the past and I have excelled at brushing things under the carpet and just giving the pretence to the entire world that everything is fine. i want to leave and i want to be free of all this and i dont know if i have the courage to do it.

My DH has had multiple affairs/flings basically sinc we got married. He has admitted nothing and apparently I am a paranoid freak. However I have been contacted by an OW, who actually was calling just because she had discovered he had another OW and was put out abou this so decided to phone me. I have seen condemming text messages, I have even overheard him on the phone late at night to another woman. I have seen photos of other women kept in this egotistical wallet of photos he keeps. Photos that I know have been taken since he met me.

He has done it again. And again. And again. Multiple affairs, he even once jetted off to another country to meet up with a girl he met whilst we were on holiday, DS1 was 1 at the time.. I only found out as I came across some photos of this girl ? and I wracked my brains as to where I had seen her before. It came back to me that she was a woman we had met whilst on holiday. Of course again I was not right in the head ,and this had been a work trip. Yes that?s why there are pictures with your arms around her in what appears to be her apartment.

All the while in between he would be the prefect husband and father to the outside world. I just put up with it all like an idiot because he was good to me and kept up the pretence of loving me and treating me right in every other way apart from th efact he was fucking other women any time he could. Also because I just don?t know where to start how to look after two boys by myself , we have a nice house a nice life all funded by him and I don?t know how I will survive. I also felt I didn't deserve any better. It?s just pathetic. I have been pathetic. I am pathetic. He has told me in the past no one else will ever want me, why would they? I have nothing to give or attract anyone.

On top of this, gradually he has become more blatant in his behaviour and doesn?t even try to hide what he is up to. Like he doesn?t even have the decency to hide it.

Yet if I confront him , he just refuses to talk about it and says I am imagining things. Well, I don?t imagine him sleeping at someone else?s house 3 to 4 nights a week. I don?t imagine him refusing to tell me where he has been. I don?t imagine ANY of this , it happens. ? I think to myself if this is how it is what is it going to be like in 5 ten years time. He has so little respect for me at all. I am totally unloved and apparently unloveable. He is alo going to influence my two beautiful sweet boys.

So over the past two weeks he has been absolutely terrible to me ? every Friday he stays over at a ?friends? . Last week he stayed 5 nights Monday to Friday ? telling me he was working late and then his company put him up in a hotel at short notice. He thinks I?m an idiot ? he works for a council ? they don?t do things like that ? and we only live 4 miles from his place of work. FFS. He turned up each morning to take them to school and that was the only time he saw them. I took them out on the Saturday whilst he stayed at home and he took them out on Sunday and spoilt them with gifts.

I did not speak to him at all , the whole weekend apart from to do with the DSs ? and he was unable to even make eye contact me. He then sent me an email on Monday when back at work . He said he had been behaved terribly, he was sorry, he was stressed at work and needed some time out. Note, I also work fulltime and also do everything at home, but i dont get time out . In fact on the rare occasion I do get out I get paid back big time in many ways, so it is just not worth the hassle. His only task is the school run in the morning, and even then I have everything ready and looked out so all he needs to do is make sure they are dressed and drop them off at the school.

So come Monday this week I expected he would come home after work , particularly after his email ? he didn?t . He phoned me saying he was working late ? though I could tell he had been drinking. Same thing Tuesday and Wednesady.

I then cracked and sent him a text saying that I can?t take anymore and we have to end this. I have said this before but last night I actually meant it. And some how he knew that this time he has gone to far and i do mean it this time..

I am terrified of what I have done and the next step. I have a lovely friend at work who I have told recent events to, who despite being a good deal younger than me and with less life experience if you like - she has been absolutely great. I can?t tell her everything as I am totally ashamed how long i have let this go on. She will think I am a lunatic. I have only told her recent stuff - not the truth which is that I have put up with this basically since we got married. Apart from this girl i feel totally isolated ? and I don?t want to offload onto her and make all this a burden to her. But i feel i have taken a huge step by telling just one person.

I just don?t know what the next step is. We need to separate . I can?t do it anymore.

He knows I mean it and from going mad at me via text message last night he is now trying to talk me round. Please help me stay strong and see this through. Tonight he only came home because i mailed him to say i had a meeting at the school and i needed to go. I have just come in and he is acting like father of the year and acting like nothing is wrong. He helped with th ehomework before i went out. He has never done this, he helped with the dishes. He has never done this either. He is gnoring me of course and I have no chance to speak to him as the DS's are glued to him having not seen much of him of late. .

I have no friend s near by ? though I have my mum who is 78 and frail and I don?t feel I can offload to. The rest of my family are perfect people with perfect relationships and I don?t think will relate to this at all ? or will tell me just to soldier on ? people don?t get divorced in this family. I am living in a kind of living hell , all my own doing.

He apologised today for sending me derogatory texts, he didn?t mean it apparently he was frightened of losing me. We are everything to him apparently.

But last night this was all my fault ? in his words he shouldn?t have to work his butt off and come home to an old, fat frump like me who is cold unloving, does not cook every night and does not give him what he needs. Partly I can see where he is coming from - I have emotionally distanced myself from him ? are there any women out there that could be all over a man that has had so many affairs? Tells so many lies? Old? yes maybe, (im 41) Fat? that?s debatable I?m 5?9 and 11.5 stone ? and size 12 down below and a 14 up top. Frumpy, well I don?t know what to say to that I try to keep up with fashions without dressing like a teenager and I never leave the house without make up or doing my hair. I just feel worthless and stupid. I am frightened what to do next, I don?t earn enough to support myself and the DS?s ? I could afford rent but nothing else.

I don?t even know why I am posting this ? though writing it down makes it seem more real and I?m hoping some of you will keep me strong in seeing this through. Should I see a soilictor ? do we need to legally separate? Can I ask him to move out in the interim? Does he have too if I ask him? Can he make me leave. I?m going nowhere without the DS?s.

Sorry this is so long and I?m probably rambling. I feel like I am rambling. If you have got this far well done. Now he has gone to bed taking the DS's with him into our room, which i never usually allow. To exclude me obviuosly from them. He is punishment mode now to me. He is a nasty arsehole to me and Mr Perfection to the rest of the world.

Maybe that would help to speak to his sister, take away some of his 'power' ?

I think that you will be ok, you sound very strong. You have, as you say, lots to digest and I think once you have done that, you will be able to make a concrete and final decision. Everyone here will still be here to help.

Good luck.

You can and you will do it.

Is there anywhere you could go in the morning? Someone you could stay with... family, perhaps? I just read that last sentence about him 'confiscating' your sons to punish you and, for some reason, that's left a very bad taste in my mouth.... men who use children as a weapon are usually capable of anything. If you could get away tomorrow after he leaves for work, pack some stuff for yourself and your kids, I don't think you'd ever need see him again.

Ps ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) and a mega squeeeeezy one at that.

I have also reported Myview - totally out if order.

wee sorry I can't help with practical advice but offering a hand to hold x

Cognito I dont know - tomorrow i have to be at work early and he will be picking them up from school - well i have asked him to and miraculously he said yes. Now when i think about it, this worries me a bit because normally he would have made a fuss or said he had something on. His normal pattern on a friday is to get ready to go out. I took it that he is still trying to do the husband of the year act - but i too am feeling not right . I dont think he would ever cause them harm or emotionally abuse them - but i know he would take custody of them if he could at any expense to me as has threatend. i will ask first thing tomorrow if i can get a half day i think. God knows I am not going to look well as I have been crying most of the night - so i will use that a leverage

Good luck and keep updating us Wee.

Your husband isn't from another country is he? No flight risk element is there?

No thankfully Cognito, we are both from the same city.

I hope you manage to get some sleep op. Sending hugs x

Could you take the whole day off? Use the morning to pack everyone's bags, pick the children up from school a little earlier than normal (tell school it's a dental appointment or something), give him the slip and go spend the weekend with your parents, perhaps?

Bear in mind that it's unlikely that he wants custody of the DC. Having to look after them would cut into his drinking and shagging time. However, abusive men often threaten to 'get custody' purely to frighten their partners into obedience and submission.

OP I think you're being amazingly strong, your boys will thank you for this one day - really they will.

Good luck.

Yy to what solidgold says, he threatens that he will take the children from you because he knows that would hurt you the most. Given how much he does now it is unlikely a)he would actually want to have them b) he would be granted residence in a court case.
Its just another stick to beat you with, to keep you in line.
You sound like an amazing mum and person, and getting out will be the best decision you will ever make.

Weeteeny, what a brave woman you are! What a dreadful man he is - of course you are doing the right thing by leaving him!

Your boys deserve a better life than living with this disgrace of a man!

Of course he won't get custody of your kids!

Just take things slowly and ring Womans Aid and/or get yourself to a solicitor ASAP. Get all your paperwork together. Stay calm. If you have somewhere safe to go, then take the kids and leave now if you feel threatened.

Keep posting here - you will get all the emotional support you need from these amazing women on MN.

How are you feeling today? My mum left my dad after years of emotional abuse. DM was in the middle of chemotherapy when things came to a head. We basically upped and left after he went to work.
Everyone thought my sister and I would be devastated with the upheaval but actually we were quite the opposite.
I'd take the day off work, phone woman's aid, gather important documents and personal belongings, pick up the boys early then leave. Scary stuff but you can do it.

You can do it, Wee. We believe in you, and you will believe in yourself when you're away from him. The best revenge is to live a good and happy life and to give that to your children. He won't let you do that if you stay.

Morning Wee. Just checking in. How are you feeling?

Hope you're ok wee. Sending good vibes your way x

What an appalling waste of space your husband is.

He is out of his mind if he thinks he's going to get custody, OP. Don't even think for a minute that's going to happen.

Personally I would be getting a private detective onto him. You could find it's the best investment you ever make.

Hello everyone thank you for taking the time to reply - well today I went to work as planned and unfortunately i couldnt get a half day - iDh picked the DSs up as planned and he phoned me to ask if i could pick up a takeaway dinner for them as a treat on the way home.
On the drive home i couldnt stop myself thinking that maybe we could just get through Christmas and then in the new year i will make the move. I just feel; it is going to be so acrimonious if it involves access issues for the children etc and maybe i could put up thing still then.
things were fine for the first five minutes i was in the door. Obviouslsy he has had the DS's since 3pm and they have been playing up - so whenDS2 threw a minor strop at dinner time he lost h eplot at him , and shouted that the child has behavioural problems. I could not actually believe my ears.
i aske dhim if he was actually serious and he just ranted and raved - and accused me of doing all this in front of the 2DSs. The only thing i said was that perhaps if he spent more time with them he would know how to handle them and this was after he had made that awful comment.
He banged him fists on the table and i actually wanted to laugh at him, he cant control me anymore i am standing up to him and he hates it, bloody hates it he cant handle it. He is not a bad tempered person but my god he was furious.
When the e dss left the room i told him i have an appt with a family lawyer next week - which i do.
If i have a crisis of confidence in dealing with this all i need to do is remember what he just said about my beautiful little boy who is only 5 and is confused about why his dad is never arouns , doesnt sleep here half the time, lets him down. No wonder he played up.

If you really feel you want to wait until after Xmas, and you will be safe, then you can use the time to sort out deposits etc, furniture for a new house, sort out childcare for January etc. You would have time to make sure everything is in place to ensure as smooth as possible transition for the children. I would however be very cautious about alerting him to your plans, he is already as you ddescribe becoming furious that he feels he is losing control. Can you be that good an actress? Good luck wee.

Wee Has he ever shown any aggression (like banging fists)? I would be a little bit worried that if he realises he is not 'getting' to you like he has before then his behaviour may start to escalate. I really would leave if you can (I know it is easier said than done). You aren't going to have any kind of christmas if you're around dickface are you?

The other thing that struck me was what you said about him threatening to discredit you and blacken your name etc if you split. I can't be certain obviously, but I would be fairly sure that once people started to hear about you splitting up, you would find a lot of people coming out and saying that they always thought he was a bit weird, they never really thought he was right for you etc. They may well be more understanding than you think.

You, weeteeny are full of the stuff that makes me proud to be a woman.

Your life and mental health will shortly become a whole lot better when you are free from this ridiculous man.

You can do it. You can.

OP you are VERY brave for finally allowing yourself to think this way.
It is NOT your fault.
He is a BASTARD and has been from the outset. He will never change.
You sound like a sweet and loving person. Your boys don't need a lying git in their lives.

He may have other children btw, just hasn't admitted it to you.
Also, it sounds horrific, but as well as legal advice, please see your GP and get tested for STIs. If you are still having sex with your husband, MAKE him use a condom. If he won't, then don't let him.

I really feel for you. You can do it! You deserve so much better than this.
Make that step and once he is out of your life you will be able to breathe again. Others have said it, but you are really doing it all by yourself anyway. Get some real life support as well (friend, family etc). Have you told his family what he is up to? I would in your situation, though I know it is different for everybody.

hugs as well!