How do i do this? I need to leave my DH and i dont know how or where to go

[Weeteeny]

Things have been wrong for a long time in my marriage, a lot of things have been done in the past and I have excelled at brushing things under the carpet and just giving the pretence to the entire world that everything is fine. i want to leave and i want to be free of all this and i dont know if i have the courage to do it.

My DH has had multiple affairs/flings basically sinc we got married. He has admitted nothing and apparently I am a paranoid freak. However I have been contacted by an OW, who actually was calling just because she had discovered he had another OW and was put out abou this so decided to phone me. I have seen condemming text messages, I have even overheard him on the phone late at night to another woman. I have seen photos of other women kept in this egotistical wallet of photos he keeps. Photos that I know have been taken since he met me.

He has done it again. And again. And again. Multiple affairs, he even once jetted off to another country to meet up with a girl he met whilst we were on holiday, DS1 was 1 at the time.. I only found out as I came across some photos of this girl ? and I wracked my brains as to where I had seen her before. It came back to me that she was a woman we had met whilst on holiday. Of course again I was not right in the head ,and this had been a work trip. Yes that?s why there are pictures with your arms around her in what appears to be her apartment.

All the while in between he would be the prefect husband and father to the outside world. I just put up with it all like an idiot because he was good to me and kept up the pretence of loving me and treating me right in every other way apart from th efact he was fucking other women any time he could. Also because I just don?t know where to start how to look after two boys by myself , we have a nice house a nice life all funded by him and I don?t know how I will survive. I also felt I didn't deserve any better. It?s just pathetic. I have been pathetic. I am pathetic. He has told me in the past no one else will ever want me, why would they? I have nothing to give or attract anyone.

On top of this, gradually he has become more blatant in his behaviour and doesn?t even try to hide what he is up to. Like he doesn?t even have the decency to hide it.

Yet if I confront him , he just refuses to talk about it and says I am imagining things. Well, I don?t imagine him sleeping at someone else?s house 3 to 4 nights a week. I don?t imagine him refusing to tell me where he has been. I don?t imagine ANY of this , it happens. ? I think to myself if this is how it is what is it going to be like in 5 ten years time. He has so little respect for me at all. I am totally unloved and apparently unloveable. He is alo going to influence my two beautiful sweet boys.

So over the past two weeks he has been absolutely terrible to me ? every Friday he stays over at a ?friends? . Last week he stayed 5 nights Monday to Friday ? telling me he was working late and then his company put him up in a hotel at short notice. He thinks I?m an idiot ? he works for a council ? they don?t do things like that ? and we only live 4 miles from his place of work. FFS. He turned up each morning to take them to school and that was the only time he saw them. I took them out on the Saturday whilst he stayed at home and he took them out on Sunday and spoilt them with gifts.

I did not speak to him at all , the whole weekend apart from to do with the DSs ? and he was unable to even make eye contact me. He then sent me an email on Monday when back at work . He said he had been behaved terribly, he was sorry, he was stressed at work and needed some time out. Note, I also work fulltime and also do everything at home, but i dont get time out . In fact on the rare occasion I do get out I get paid back big time in many ways, so it is just not worth the hassle. His only task is the school run in the morning, and even then I have everything ready and looked out so all he needs to do is make sure they are dressed and drop them off at the school.

So come Monday this week I expected he would come home after work , particularly after his email ? he didn?t . He phoned me saying he was working late ? though I could tell he had been drinking. Same thing Tuesday and Wednesady.

I then cracked and sent him a text saying that I can?t take anymore and we have to end this. I have said this before but last night I actually meant it. And some how he knew that this time he has gone to far and i do mean it this time..

I am terrified of what I have done and the next step. I have a lovely friend at work who I have told recent events to, who despite being a good deal younger than me and with less life experience if you like - she has been absolutely great. I can?t tell her everything as I am totally ashamed how long i have let this go on. She will think I am a lunatic. I have only told her recent stuff - not the truth which is that I have put up with this basically since we got married. Apart from this girl i feel totally isolated ? and I don?t want to offload onto her and make all this a burden to her. But i feel i have taken a huge step by telling just one person.

I just don?t know what the next step is. We need to separate . I can?t do it anymore.

He knows I mean it and from going mad at me via text message last night he is now trying to talk me round. Please help me stay strong and see this through. Tonight he only came home because i mailed him to say i had a meeting at the school and i needed to go. I have just come in and he is acting like father of the year and acting like nothing is wrong. He helped with th ehomework before i went out. He has never done this, he helped with the dishes. He has never done this either. He is gnoring me of course and I have no chance to speak to him as the DS's are glued to him having not seen much of him of late. .

I have no friend s near by ? though I have my mum who is 78 and frail and I don?t feel I can offload to. The rest of my family are perfect people with perfect relationships and I don?t think will relate to this at all ? or will tell me just to soldier on ? people don?t get divorced in this family. I am living in a kind of living hell , all my own doing.

He apologised today for sending me derogatory texts, he didn?t mean it apparently he was frightened of losing me. We are everything to him apparently.

But last night this was all my fault ? in his words he shouldn?t have to work his butt off and come home to an old, fat frump like me who is cold unloving, does not cook every night and does not give him what he needs. Partly I can see where he is coming from - I have emotionally distanced myself from him ? are there any women out there that could be all over a man that has had so many affairs? Tells so many lies? Old? yes maybe, (im 41) Fat? that?s debatable I?m 5?9 and 11.5 stone ? and size 12 down below and a 14 up top. Frumpy, well I don?t know what to say to that I try to keep up with fashions without dressing like a teenager and I never leave the house without make up or doing my hair. I just feel worthless and stupid. I am frightened what to do next, I don?t earn enough to support myself and the DS?s ? I could afford rent but nothing else.

I don?t even know why I am posting this ? though writing it down makes it seem more real and I?m hoping some of you will keep me strong in seeing this through. Should I see a soilictor ? do we need to legally separate? Can I ask him to move out in the interim? Does he have too if I ask him? Can he make me leave. I?m going nowhere without the DS?s.

Sorry this is so long and I?m probably rambling. I feel like I am rambling. If you have got this far well done. Now he has gone to bed taking the DS's with him into our room, which i never usually allow. To exclude me obviuosly from them. He is punishment mode now to me. He is a nasty arsehole to me and Mr Perfection to the rest of the world.

I have reported the comments from myview I've never felt the need to do such a thing before but the posts are outrageous.

I am not bothered by Myview, just an idiot with a sad life and nothing better to do

Wee, you are not wrong. You are not paranoid. You are not fat, nor are you worthless. In fact, you are so far from worthless, that I will cheer you on and encourage you to tell him not to come home. Pack his bags and put them on the step for him to pick up when he can be bothered to pull his dick out of whatever foul strumpet he is shagging.

Ring CAB, ring round solicitors - you're looking for a specialist in family with sharp teeth, wo'll give a free initial half hour.

Keep a diary of everything. The times he comes home, the times he doesn't, what he does, says, all of it. A diary is a splendid resource in these circumstances, and include whatever you can remember from the past, don't worry about exact dates for that, but from henceforth, dates, times, details. Some people have used MN as a kind of diary, but it is public.

He's treating you abysmally. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

Shut up myview

Op you have made the right decision . Get legal advice. You will be ok I promise. If you can endure such an awful relationship then you will definitely be able to cope without him.

This will impact on your mental health, it probably has already . You MUST get out. How dare they? How dare they treat another human being like that. How dare he do that to you? Then abuse you for trying not to be forced to live like that. Try to get angry. This man is utterly abusing you. How dare he do that?

Good for you Wee. Go to CAB tomorrow and make a free 30 minute appointment with a family solicitor. You will feel stronger and more empowered when you have more knowledge and a legal understanding of where you stand.

Your H has tried to break you, he has worn you down but for whatever reason, you have found some resolve today, please don't let it slip away.

Good luck

It took my mom a huge amount of courage to leave a marriage like that and the following years were very very hard but here I am 44 yrs old and a mom myself. My Db is 40 and happily married and my mom has had several good relationships over the years - she wasn't looking for Mr Right just Mr Fun For Now. She know she did the right thing for all of us and u can do it to!!!!!

Just adding to the general chorus to get yourself and your children away from this abusive man and not give him so much as a backward glance.

I say 'abusive' because that is what he's doing to you... emotional abuse. His blatant screwing around, his accusations about your mental health, the threats about taking your children (rubbish) his criticism of your appearance, demands. It's all designed to make you feel as wretched as possible in a most extreme way and it's deliberate. You said you felt 'beaten down' and he couldn't have done a better job of crushing you into the dirt if he'd used his fists.... Appalling.

I'd recommend you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 as a first step because I think you need specialist advice and help as you are clearly a victim of a sustained and prolonged campaign of abuse. If you are offered a place to stay, seriously consider it as I think you need to get away from this man as soon as possible. They should be able to recommend a solicitor specialising in family law. If not, the Law Society website has a useful search function

Good luck and do keep posting for support. Not from dickheads like 'myview', obviously.

myview what kind of a person harasses people with these problems? You are disgusting.

Myview is an infiltrator from another parenting website who comes in to throw glittery, pink grenades into threads.

Have also reported myview

And yes to Jux's advice about keeping a diary

Reported too

Yes its true if I have endured this so far, i really should be able to get through the next step. I also am trying to focus on the DS's who deserve better. They adore their Dad but he has let them down and the eldest is beginning to realise and not rely on him for anything. When we went out on Saturday to a prearranged thing, on the way back he said do you think dad will still be in when we get home because i doubt it . His little face was so sad, bearing in mind he had barely seen him all week, it was the first time he has voiced anything like that and it made me so mad with DH. Secondly , when he didnt come home again last night, the little one said to me - will Daddy be here on Christmas day? DH has been awl so much in the past month it is what they expect i have been so crap letting it carry on. Not any more

Some excellent advice here OP.
It is time to put and end to this awful marriage to this inadequate man.
He is not all that you get. There is no need to tolerate another minute of his crap. It sounds abysmal.
You are not his everything. You are way down on his list of priorities. He lies as easy as scratch his arse. He's an absolute shit.
Get out and stay out.
Very good luck xxx

Thank you everybody for your support, i can and will do this

Yes to everything cogito said.

Phone Women's Aid. They will help you. xxx

Reported myview.
OP well done for getting it all out. He sounds like a nasty nasty man, I am so glad you are taking steps to sort out your life. You do NOT sound unattractive?
Anyway, your two boys are the most important people anyway. I cannot believe the audacity of your DH, it truly beggars belief.
Are his parents still around?how would they feel about his behaviour?

He is obviously scared and rightly so. He can't have his cake and eat it.

Good on you, please take strength from this thread.

So sorry you've been treated so badly- you must feel so worn down.
I actually can't believe one person would behave so blatantly disgracefully in a marriage. Having an affair is vile, doing it pretty much shamelessly is just so arrogant and cruel. He doesn't deserve you a moment longer. You sound strong in your post- scared, anxious and bewildered but strong too. Keep hold of that inner strength. You might end up financially worse off bit you and your two boys will have a far better life once you're free of this awful man.
You're not pathetic or stupid for turning a blond eye to his behavior.......there is only one pathetic person in this story and it certainly isn't you. Please stay strong, look after yourself and go forward and find happiness. Good luck.
Ps- you sound lovely, both in nature and looks. Cheating bastards don't cheat because their wives are mingers- look at Ashley Cole and Cheryl Cole......they cheat because they're lying, cheating fuckers.
Pps- I don't usually swear but I'm so angry on your behalf!!!!!!!!!!!

weeteeny I don't post often but your story has touched me. My father treated my mother like this and it was heartbreaking to watch her go through so much. You will get amazing support here so please keep posting.

I agree with Cogito...this is emotional abuse and I'm so glad you're taking steps to get your life back. Although it will be tough going in the near future, I promise you you're life will be amazing once you get rid of this evil, abusive and narcissistic fuckwit.

Thinking of you and sending love and strength.

Hi CC, his parents are both deceased he is estranged from some of his family (are you suprised?) but his sister would be horrified yes. I dont want to go shouting everything from the rooftops but my family will definately want to know what has brung me this. And i guess once its out its out. I have told one one friend and the actual relief at telling just one person and having her believe me was immense.

The support on this thread is really helping me , and there is loads of info i need to take in. Thank you to everyone from th ebottom of my heart

Yes, this is not about this man's need to have a variety of sexual partners, it's about his need to hurt you to make himself feel better. Binning him is the best thing you could do for yourself and your DC, and between MN and Women's Aid you will find the support you need to do so.

Glad you've decided to give yourself and your children a better future. I know someone who grew up in a very unhappy home where his father routinely humiliated and assaulted his mother. For years, he told me once, he knew he was too small and too weak to protect his mother and it ate him up that he couldn't defend her. One day, when he got to his teens, he found some strength from somewhere and threw his father through a glass door.... the man left and never came back. But he still regrets the time he was powerless.

Very good luck

You are doing the right thing. My mum stayed with my dad who behaved in exactly the same way as your DH for fifteen years despite her knowing what he was up to. He eroded her self esteem and damaged her beyond repair. She really is a damaged woman. This impacted on me and my siblings and fucked up our childhoods and adult life in all manner of complex and interesting ways.

Get out, get out, get out. For your sanity and for your little boys. You don't deserve this. The day my father left for good was a joyous day.

Read the info in the post above about the next steps. One step at a time. This will be the bravest and smartest move you ever make.

My eyes are stinging and I have snotters but this is helping, i am crying because I feel validated for the first time in eight years. Thank you everybody your stories too of other women getting through this are giving me strength.