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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think OH is having an affair

34 replies

domesticgoodness · 29/11/2012 20:57

OH and I have been married for 10 years with 2 DC (6 and 4). I thought we were very happy, but last few weeks have been snippy with each other. i have put this down to both being busy and tired and have started looking forward to Xmas, our first with just the 4 of us. Anyway, decided to look through his work mobile yesterday and found a message he had texted to a lady saying "hi baby, this is my work number if you need to get hold of me xxxxxx" she then responds saying something about you don't want my voice bouncing around the car and he says "i can't think of anything better". She signs off with lots of hearts.
I don't know how to confront him, the number has been sent to his phone from his personal mobile, which he ALWAYS has on him. Idon't want to confront him and find out its true and he leaves before Xmas. sorry, but I'm too stuck here. please don't just tell me to ask him about it. I am so scared, and can't imagine being without him. We literally did our wills 2 weeks ago, how can I be in this situation?

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 29/11/2012 21:05

It does sound very flirty but not conclusive that an affair has started - perhaps if you were to confront him, you might nip it in the bud?

I'm really sorry, you must be feeling sick with worry but, unless you want to hang around and wait for evidence that the affair is actually under way, I don't see that you have any choice but to tell him you have seen the texts.

trikken · 29/11/2012 21:14

It doesnt sound good, but u will have to talk to him to actually find out. you may be worrying to find out he isnt. personally I dont like the 'baby' part. its not something i'd call a friend.

WipsGlitter · 29/11/2012 21:17

It doesn't sound good. You could confront and nip in the bud, but its hard to know how long it's going on. Any other signs?

EdithWeston · 29/11/2012 21:35

Of course you are scared, you've discovered a sign of something which if true means a crisis beyond worst nightmares. This is a normal reaction.

That doesn't make it any easier to decide what you need to do. Firstly, the shock means you may not be thinking straight. It might be worth taking a couple of days to process this information. Secondly, only you can decide between the main courses of action: confront immediately; seek more evidence; or go for the ostrich head-in-the-sand. I really wouldn't recommend the latter, as it may cripple you with long-term doubt.

So it comes down to whether you feel ready for a pre-Christmas confrontation, in which case do it soon, so there is maximum separation between the event and Xmas. Or you could use the next few weeks to try to amass more information, and then confront in the New Year. You might be feeling stronger and more certain by then, simply because the initial shock might have lifted, you will have had time to explore your options etc. But the risk is that if he is on the cusp, events might move on and something that is not yet a physical affair could become so, especially in the heady atmosphere of office parties etc. Can you accompany him to any such parties?

Xales · 29/11/2012 21:41

What made you decide to look if you decided to put everything down to being busy and stressed?

I don't think there is anything so bad as not being sure/having suspicions. It erodes you piece by piece. Even if everything is completely innocent.

Only you can decide what to do. There is never a good time for confrontation or questions.

You can wait and see what happens. If you do that for the next 3 weeks you could be a wreck and not enjoy Christmas.

You can speak to him and find out he is having an affair and have a rotten Christmas.

You could speak to him and find out is is all innocent and have a lovely Christmas.

Whatever you decide you will get through it one way or the other.

Good luck.

Original poster
domesticgoodness · 29/11/2012 21:50

He has been away a lot for work recently, though doesn't think he will be for a while. I can't go to his staff xmas party, but don't think it is a colleague. I have tried questionning him about why he seems 'off' with me, he just says he is grumpy.....up til a month ago his brother lived with us, i genuinely don't think it was going on whilst BIL was with us, BIL's marriage broke up to his ex having an affair, which my OH was very pissed off with her about, thought she should have been more honest, shouldn't have been looking etc. xales, you are right, there is never a good time, so perhaps some sleep and a weekend and things will look better........

OP posts:
Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 29/11/2012 21:57

It's not conclusive, but I know my DH would not send a text to a female friend with loads of kisses on it, let alone a colleague, or call them baby. However I agree with other posters, it could just be the beginning of some light flirtation.

I'm so sorry that you had to find this out. I can't see any other way but to talk to him about it. Why should you make yourself sick with worry. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to first?

Original poster
domesticgoodness · 29/11/2012 22:01

does it sound silly to say I am embarrassed to talk to someone in RL? Certainly not my family. My best friend gets married tomorrow, so probably not the best moment to try and talk to her about it :-)
I know my OH and he doesn't call people baby, only me, not friends :-(

OP posts:
Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 29/11/2012 22:05

No, it's perfectly understandable. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

If you do broach it with him, what will the reaction be? Will he try denial? If the message is still on the phone can you forward it to yours, or take a photo?

fengirl1 · 29/11/2012 22:11

OP - staying together 'for the sake of the children' doesn't work, believe me! All it does is prolong the agony. Ask him - and expect an adult sensible response. If he can't give you one, then take it from there. My XH (note no D) would not leave for three months and it was the most miserable time of my life. I hope this is all innocent for your sake.

ATourchOfInsanity · 29/11/2012 22:15

Could you use his brother's situation to get the ball rolling? Not questioning him as such, but perhaps just say something like "I was thinking how sad it was that your brother is alone and was expecting to be so happily married for the rest of his life. I really didn't see it coming, did you?" - perhaps he will let some tell tale signs slip or at the very least think about if he is being as dishonest as his brother's ex?

Only way I can think of gauging a reaction without being direct.

dequoisagitil · 29/11/2012 22:18

People often talk a good game about other people's infidelity, but can at the same time not apply those standards to themselves. Don't take any of his posturing about your BIL's ex as proof he wouldn't cheat.

ATourchOfInsanity · 29/11/2012 22:39

I was thinking the same, but doesn't hurt to try to guilt him into an admission. Or perhaps lead him to draw his own similarities if it hasn't (which it probably hasn't) crossed his mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2012 22:53

" please don't just tell me to ask him about it. I am so scared, and can't imagine being without him."

Then do nothing. Nothing at all. Ignore it, put your head in the sand and forget you saw those messages.... Trouble is that what will actually happen is that you won't be able to ignore or forget. Every time he walks out of the door you'll be convinced he's on his way to someone else. Every minor problem day to day you'll attribute to the affair. By Christmas you'll be a bag of nerves. I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low and I'm sorry that independence scares you so much. But I'm also sorry that you're opting to dodge the issue because your life will only get worse if you do.

LadyLapsang · 29/11/2012 23:15

OP, why were you checking up on him by looking through his phone messages? Does he do this to you?

You don't have to confront him if you don't want to; likewise, if he were having an affair you don't have to take any particular action. It's your choice.Of course, that does not mean that he may not take unilateral action himself.

I would say, however, that it's not a great place to be in when you feel so dependent on someone that you don't think you will manage without them - needy is not attractive. I would concentrate on doing whatever suits you and don't let others talk you into confronting him if you don't want to. Of course, if you do think he is having an affair you will need to make sure you get yourself checked and protected from STIs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2012 23:33

"don't let others talk you into confronting him"

Yes... just listen to the ones that would prefer you to be meek and subordinate, never challenging this man about his behaviour.... Hmm

ATourchOfInsanity · 29/11/2012 23:37

Out of interest, did you see his Will? I know they have to be independent, but just wondered if he is not perhaps planning on doing a runner...trying not to be negative here, but it's a bit of a no brainer that it is a negative situation.

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/11/2012 07:11

Don't beat yourself up for snooping - I always say listen to your instincts.

It could be the beginning of an affair or a stupid flirtation - the latter is still disrespectful, show poor boundaries and it is often how an affair begins - crossing several lines down the slippery slope of an affair.

I would look at this link and have a discussion with your DH about boundaries, appropriate behaviour etc so that he is fully aware of what you consider to be acceptable.

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/11/2012 07:16

I know you have said that you do not want to confront him, but if he is having an affair, he could move out any time and there is nothing you can do about it Sad

Your only chance is really to talk to him now and nip things in the bud (if it has not gone any further) - the longer you leave it, the more addicted he will be to OW.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 30/11/2012 07:25

confront him OP ffs, you need to know what's going on, for your health, your self respect and your future happiness, just ask him.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 30/11/2012 07:39

If this is a new thing, as you suspect, you confronting him early, cool, matter of fact, telling him to go will be just the thing to snap him back into sharp focus.

He needs to think about his life without you, and being an every other weekend dad.

Shock him to the core. Zero tolerance.

You have more of a chance salvaging this if you react, than if you enable, cling and beg.

Be strong.

HettySunshine · 30/11/2012 09:15

Anyway I decided to look through his work mobile

Was there a reason for this? Have you done this before? I'm not judging you at all, i'm just trying to gauge if something had raised your suspicions.

It does sound pretty bad but not necessarily a full blown affair - it might just be that he has a bit of an attraction to this woman and is indulging himself. It doesn't mean he wants to break up his home life.

I do think you need to speak to him about it. He may be mortified that you have seen the messages and this could spur him on to break off contact with her.

Of course you have to do what is best for you but keeping it inside is not going to stop you wondering.

(Hug)

dinkybinky · 30/11/2012 09:26

I would call the woman! Im sorry you are going through this.

Cherylkerl · 30/11/2012 09:43

For the love of god, don't confront the woman. If he is playing away, that'll confirm the rot he's fed her or she's conjured up.

Ask him and ask him face to face. His reaction will tell you everything. Don't give him an opportunity to delete the evidence and tell you the minimum which he can get away with.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 30/11/2012 09:50

I suggest confronting him sooner rather than later, before the two of them are totally hooked on each-other. Before he can take for granted that he can move on from you and straight into her home.

Asking him to leave while you get your head together and seek legal advice might shock him into reconsidering.

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