In the process of booking a £4k holiday but I feel that we're "shaky". What to do?

[BristolSt]

I don't know what's gone wrong but in the past few weeks something has changed between me and my partner. I can't put my finger on it. I suppose I sometimes suspect that he's not that serious about me and is using me for entertainment purposes. Someone to spend the weekend with, someone to go on a night out with, someone to fill the hole that his divorce created inside him.

I don't know why I feel this way. A few months ago we were all excited about us and the future. Then we had a drunken "raised voice discussion" about things and nothing has been the same since. We never talk anymore.

Anyway we're in the process of booking a big, expensive holiday together. I thought at first that this was confirmation of his commitment to me but now I think again, he's using me to get away. He keeps saying he just wants a holiday and said whilst drunk that he'd go with anyone, as long as he got away. I'm just a convenient person to go with I think.

It's half booked. About £2k down already and we're going early next year.

I'm stuck between cancelling the whole thing until he shows me it's ME he wants and not just the times I can offer or sticking with it, booking the lot and see what happens AFTER the holiday. To be fair, I really want to go on the holiday so don't mind paying for it IYSWIM - it's just the overall sitiuation that is getting me down.

Who is paying for this holiday ?

We're paying more or less half and half. He'll probably end up paying more of it as he earns a lot more than I do however.

ok, I just had a horrible feeling for a moment then you were paying for it

What was said during the argument?

do you really want to go on this holiday ?

as in really want to...if you weren't with him, you would have done it anyway?

or has he swept you along (perhaps to spend money you can ill afford ?)

How long have you been together?

I'd suggest to him that he finds someone else to go with and let them reimburse you for your share. It sounds like the relationship is on the skids, things are not going to improve any time soon & you shouldn't be committing big funds on something that you'll probably end up calling off with short notice. Call time now - both on the relationship and the holiday - and you've chance to sell the package on and cut your losses in more ways than one.

I can't really remember what was said during the argument, it seemed like nothing at the time but in hindsight, that is when everything changed.
I remember he more or less accused me of being pushy because I questioned something he'd promised and not delivered or something he'd said and gone back on. I remember the argument ended with him saying he just won't suggest/promise anything in the future and I said I simply won't believe a word he says in the future of course it was all said in alcohol fuelled anger but it's kinda come true. He never does suggest anything anymore and whenever we do plan something, I don't believe it will happen or I question his motives behind it.

But yes, I really do want to go on the holiday, it was a holiday I was saving for before I met him anyway but we've added that much to it that there is no way I could afford to go without him now.

Some early controlling red flags going on here

Do people in relationships not ever talk to each other these days?

See I've been feeling like this for a few weeks now. He's picked up on it because last night he mentioned that I've not seem bothered about him for a few days - I told him I was just busy with work etc but when I really think about it, he NEVER shows any indication that he has any feelings for me. Yeah he sends the odd sweet text and says the right things sometimes but anyone can do that.

All talk of a future together has stopped. All he seems bothered about now is booking this holiday.

it's all done by text these days, apparently < gimmer >

Kinky, we used to talk all the time - until 3am in the morning - but it's all stopped. That's what I'm saying, something has changed and I don't know why. I love him but I fear it's one sided

Going on your dream holiday with an iffy partner doesn't sound a great recipe for a happy time.

You really do need to grasp the nettle and sort out what is going on between you. If you cannot do thus, then communication between you is shot and you're heading for the rocks at some point. If you can, it's probably make or break anyhow. And you'd need to do this irrespective if the holiday.

If it's "make", you can go as planned and expect a good time; if it's break, or if you remain uncertain as to whether it's just limping with some sticking plasters, then still go on the holiday, but change his booking to that of your best friend and have a great time for yourself.

Take a friend with you instead, or pull out and ask him to find someone else to go with. Going together as a couple doesn't sound a good idea at all.

Have you posted about this person before.... going back on promises and not talking about the future etc sounds very familiar?

I'm going out on Saturday night for early Christmas drinks with friends and he said last weekend as a joke "you're not going". I was like "haha yeah ok boss" and we both laughed. But he mentioned it again last night and said about me getting drunk and going off with someone else - again he laughed but I could tell he meant it this time.

Christmas he's arranged to come here C.eve and C.day and stay until boxing day. However I'm 80% certain that he'll cancel on me. This is what it's got like. Things get arranged and I'm like "yeah whatever, let's see what happens" the spark has totally gone - probably because half the time I just expect him to cancel on me so I can't really look forward to anything.

He may cancel the holiday at the last minute and you lose all your money (going off what you have said)

I would also warn you that his behaviour is classic for someone cheating. Withdrawal, stopped talking about the future, projecting his own behaviour onto yours.

It's funny you should say that AFD because he's got a bit protective over his phone lately. He used to let me play with it and do what I wanted with it - now he carries it around. I offered to hold it for him in the car when it fell off it's holder thing and he said no, deciding instead to stick it the dashboard with cellotape!!

But he spends so much time with me I can't see how he'd have the time to see anyone else to be honest. He's with me almost every night.

They will always find the time. He goes to work, does he ?

Your last post says it all Bristol.

Don't go on holiday with him.

yeah he works 5 days a week. lol funnily enough, he's mentioned a lot of overtime is coming up. God it sounds text-book doesn't it.

But if that's what's happening, why is he so keen to book this holiday?

Dump him

Seriously this doesn't sound as if it is going anywhere good

He fancies a holiday, and maybe any other paramours he has his sights set on are not free to go ? It's one explanation.

He's keen to book the holiday because "he" wants to go on one, maybe he doesn't have anyone that would commit to going with him.