In the process of booking a £4k holiday but I feel that we're "shaky". What to do?

[BristolSt]

I don't know what's gone wrong but in the past few weeks something has changed between me and my partner. I can't put my finger on it. I suppose I sometimes suspect that he's not that serious about me and is using me for entertainment purposes. Someone to spend the weekend with, someone to go on a night out with, someone to fill the hole that his divorce created inside him.

I don't know why I feel this way. A few months ago we were all excited about us and the future. Then we had a drunken "raised voice discussion" about things and nothing has been the same since. We never talk anymore.

Anyway we're in the process of booking a big, expensive holiday together. I thought at first that this was confirmation of his commitment to me but now I think again, he's using me to get away. He keeps saying he just wants a holiday and said whilst drunk that he'd go with anyone, as long as he got away. I'm just a convenient person to go with I think.

It's half booked. About £2k down already and we're going early next year.

I'm stuck between cancelling the whole thing until he shows me it's ME he wants and not just the times I can offer or sticking with it, booking the lot and see what happens AFTER the holiday. To be fair, I really want to go on the holiday so don't mind paying for it IYSWIM - it's just the overall sitiuation that is getting me down.

Maybe there's a reason that this possible OW wouldn't be able to go (DH/work commitments/children) and will tell her you are a friend & had the holiday planned when he was single so feels he has to go.

There is always time - no matter how difficult you think it might be (finishing early, days off that you don't know about, lunchtime, 'dentist appointments' etc).

I wouldn't plan to go with him. I'd either find someone to come with me or tell him to do the same, other one gets their money back. You might have to scale down what you have planned, back to what you would have done if you'd gone alone before you met him - but better that than go with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Maybe he's planning to take someone else, but it'd be quite convenient if you paid for half.

'I'm off on holiday to ' adds another string to his pulling bow... he bigs himself up comes over to the unsuspecting as being quite the adventurous jetsetter.

The dialogue continues 'who are you going with' ... 'oh just a mate but I'd far rather go with you' ... blah de blah (boak).

If cancelling the trip won't recover all of the money you've laid out, regard him as your travelling companion and treat him accordingly.

Read the small print of the holiday and phone the travel company, give them a synopsis of the sorry story and they may be kind and let you swap to another holiday, then he can pay extra if he still wants to go, cancel, or try to do likewise. Worth a try.

This literally was me a year ago - although he was paying nowt for it. I ended up leaving him half way through it. Ours was a 4k amazing resort - luxury - I have never ever ever felt so miserable and claustrophobic in my life so flew home and he stayed and had the time of his life as it was evident that it was never ever about me - still cringe when I think about it. When he got home all tanned and smug I kicked him out.
DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A HOLIDAY THAT WILL BE HELL IF IT'S WITH THE WRONG PERSON.
It doesn't matter where you are or how luxurious it is - if you are with the wrong person it'll feel like a prison sentence.
Holiday companies (depending on who they are) will be very accommodating if you explain the circumstances and they will let you transfer the money you have already spent onto another holiday! Go to Ibiza with the girls.
Done.

Or go Alaska where men outnumber women 2 to 1. The goods may be odd but the odds are good that you'll be much in demand and your ego will receive some much needed pumping up

I think he's feeling the same as me anyway. He stayed here last night, was a bit off with me this morning before he went to work. Normally he's all over me in a morning and saying he doesn't want to leave - this morning he was up as soon as his alarm went off and it seemed like he couldn't wait to get away.

Normally he sends a text mid morning and then another one at 12 - today I've heard nothing from him at all.

I feel a bit sad about it all, I really thought I'd finally met "the one" in the beginning and now it's all gone to shit like my relationships always do. Another Christmas on my own by the looks of it.

He's supposed to be coming here tonight to book the rest of the holiday with me. I'm betting he'll either cancel coming over (headache or something) or he'll get here and call the whole thing off. In the meantime, I'm debating what to do if he DOES still turn up and does still want to book it because either way, we seriously need to talk before anymore money gets thrown into it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd phone the travel company and see what your options are so you know what your options are if you discuss it.

(btw, if he's already being off about who you're going out for a drink then I don't think he's a keeper).

Jammy's just taken the words off my keyboard

Forwarned is forearmed - check damage limitation with the travel agent/holiday company as the later you leave it should you decide to cancel, the more you'll lose.

Your relationship's dead in the water. It really doesn't matter whether there's anyone else involved.

Cut your losses. See what you can do about the money paid for the holiday. But just end the relationship.

Why are you still hanging on in there and waiting to see what HE will do?

I'm just hoping I'm wrong to be honest :-( I do love him, it's hard to think it could all be over by tonight. I have no proof of the way I'm feeling which makes it harder, it's just a hunch that it's not really me he wants at all, its the time I give him. I'm something to do when he's not working. That's how it feels but maybe I'm wrong?

Well if that's how you "feel" then what's the point?

How long have you been seeing him?

about 7 months all in all. It's just so hard to understand how it started out so well and then just took a nose dive all of a sudden.

To be blunt, I don't even know why you or anyone else on here is speculating or trying to read between the lines.

He's told you he's not that into you - he said he didn't care who he went on holiday with. His behaviour has told you he is not in love with you. If a guy scarpers as soon as the alarm goes off when previously he wanted to stay in bed and have sex you have your answer.

Sorry this is distressing for you but your feelings are not reciprocated so ditch the holiday and am.

I'm something to do when he's not working. That's how it feels but maybe I'm wrong?

Always go with your intuition.

He treats you dreadfully (as well as being controlling i.e. you going out).

And the more you let him, the worse it will get.

Get rid. And I hope the holiday money loss isn't too great.

Well what's happened here is that you've show you are a real, live, imperfect woman who has needs and expresses them even if, horrors! they don't correspond with his.

Up till the "discussion" you were both on your best behaviour and Perfect For Each Other. Now you've fallen off your pedestal and some men don't like this.

Now what will happen is that you will forever be trying to get back to how things were (which of course MUST be possible or why would they have been like that at all right? Wrong. It's not possible to go back. Because You Are Not The Woman He Thought You Were and I'll be very surprised if you don't hear this sentence from him before too long.

If this relationship had legs and he was a good bloke you'd have moved forward and be planning your hols with excitement as it is, I'd be treading carefully with this one if I were you.

I wouldn't want to go on my dream holiday with someone like him.

Why don't you cut your losses, dump him and look for someone nicer? Or go on one of those group holidays. Where was it you wanted to go to?

Don't forget if he's on a lot more money, the holiday probably isn't such a big deal for him.

It's awful that you say you think he'll opt out of Christmas after agreeing to see you. Is there anyone you could spend Christmas with?

Could you transfer your holiday money to a different holiday?

Maybe the basic problem, for both of you, is drink.

he only goes to work...........My H now lives with OW he met at work and Im left with 3 DC's and a family holiday Ive booked with a £800 deposit. if you feel better 2 weeks before you're due to go, book a cheap and cheerful it might do you the world of good. With very painful hindsight Bristol, never knock your first instincts :(

Get rid.

if you feel things are coming to a head, OP, then you might as well get it out in the open sooner.
You say you don't talk about things any more? Is that despite attempts to initiate conversations? 3am is generally not the best time to have a deep and meaningful that might go sour.

Your concerns about the relationship are reasonable, but none of us here can know if they are justified as we haven't met you and only know a little of the situation.

If not already, say you'd like to have a proper chat with him, as you have several things on your mind. Plan it in advance, to avoid an argument when your emotional and he is defensive. Plan what you want to say, and try and frame it in a non blame way. I.e. state your concerns and how it makes you feel. Then state what you don't want to happen, I.e. terrible holiday leading to end of relationship. This way your inviting him to help solve a problem and letting him know you don't want an argument.

I think you've explored some likely causes for the change in mood. You've had an argument, the sheen has been taken off the relationship. It sounds like your emotionally invested in it, you don't want it to end, but you feel like its slipping away. A fear of a relationship ending can lead to further anxiety and paranoia which is not going to contribute to a healthy dynamic. Of course, your fears could be entirely justified, he may want out. Or he's a sulker, and is still hurting from that argument. Either way, you can't affect his feelings. You just need to know what they are. This is why you need to firmly get him to agree to talk.

I hope it goes ok.

What Dozer said. I hope you can get some of your money back or transfer your share to a happy holiday you can organise for yourself at a future date. Who wants to go on holiday with this feeling hanging over them?