Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

[JulietteMontague]

Off we go...

Bumhead thought I recognised your name! I know-let's not revive the anal tampons discussion. lol

Omg Ike no please don't:) not this early in the morning

Bantam- I would probably be torn between running for it re the condoms (seriously how can a 41 year old woman possibly think that is ok?! Has she been married all her life and never needed to concern herself with the real world?) and going back for Coffee following an open talk about risks, pregnancy etc... Highly unsexy but clearly needs to be had... The girlfriend thing may just be naïveté. It's kind of the way I thought when I started OD. I didn't realise men could sleep with you and not really be very interested in you or at least not even consider you as a potential partner :D yes I know, pretty stupid but I'd only ever been strictly monogamous before...

Seriously though the risk she wanted to take with her health and yours is not funny.

The condom would have killed the sperm btw and it dies v quickly outside the body so less risk than you think :/

48 what has mr fuck said to make you run away? You said jealousy? Yes agree that early on and in an NSA type arrangement that is a red flag.

Oh dear, where has all our good woo gone?!

Bant - if you like her then give her a chance to calm down, if she's new to all this then that might go part way to explaining her behaviour. She clearly needs a bit more sex education re the whole condom situation though, v risky indeed.

48 - listen to your gut. If things feel wrong this early on then you've done the right thing.

Having a few red flags of my own with mr tall, he just seems overly keen. He sent me about 6 or 7 texts yesterday which I find a bit excessive seeing as we've only met once for a few hrs. Trouble is, if he wasn't texting then I'd be moaning that he's not interested! Am I just being a meanie? Perhaps I'm just so used to being treated like crap I don't know how to handle someone nice?!

godless I think Mr Fuck is looking for a relationship. Not sure if my super coolness has made him feel I am just using him for sex. We joked about it.
Maybe he thinks I am out there putting it about, I am not. I suppose he has to protect himself too. He sent a text basically saying he was mine sexually as long as there were no other men. I took that badly. He was very sorry. It is very difficult for both parties when you hardly know each other.
Maybe I have been the master of my own fuck up

Feeling very blue again today, my meeting with STBXH at Mediation on Saturday has set off a whole load of feelings that I had shut away for the last 4 months. He is a classic emotional abuser and the stance he takes, the accusatory language, the complete lack of taking any responsibility for what he has done and how he has behaved carried into the meeting. I rose above it on Saturday, tried not to react to him and his accusations. I KNOW I did nothing wrong but he is a mind fuck.

But, I have these awful feelings of insecurity and now I have spent the last 3 days in a state of angst over Mr Ex Army, examing every text, every telephone call and feeling on the verge of tears the whole time. Most mornings I get a text from him first thing, this morning I didn't, some mornings I don't but I feel sick about it this morning.

Sometimes he is quiet on the text front and sometimes very prolific, it doesn't really mean anything. Yesterday he was quite quiet too, took 3 hours to respond to a text (again that's not always unusual), he has been asking me to send him my sizing, so he can buy my Christmas present. I know thats not the behaviour of someone who is going off you but I just don't feel I can trust any of my judgements about his behaviour because look at how wrong I got it with STBXH.

Sorry for my ramblings, I suppose I just feel like I need lots of reassurance, but that's not really the job of someone you have been dating for 3 months is it? It's not down to him to have to make up for the bad behaviour of my EX.

My instinct in situations where I feel I'm going to get hurt is to back off myself before it happens and to present an upbeat outward front. So he knows I was upset on Sunday night, but I have told him since then I am feeling fine again, I don't want to appear needy, but I am.

I keep going to send him a cheerful, good morning text and I can't bring myself to do it. I want to say, I feel shit, I need reassurance. But I struggle to ask for things like that from someone.

I hate my EX, for turning me into this person I don't want to be and try so hard not to be.

Well, maybe that's not too bad, 48, I would think that's a pretty common sentiment for mental/physical self-protection. Could have been phrased a bit better I suppose but maybe it would be worth giving him another chance if you feel like it. I'm not getting red flags waving here . . .

Pixie - with the texts, was it a conversation where he sent one, you replied, he carried on the conversation with another text etc as it's easy to get to six or seven texts like that in one conversation. Or did he just keep texting with no real encouragement/response from you, which is a different thing altogether?

pixie I think the texting crap is a can of worms responsible for so many misunderstanding.

My 17dd is in the throes of young love, they are very solid. Even she admits though that she likes him to text her first.

Lulu, sorry I must have cross posted with you. I could have written your post almost word for word.

I know exactly where you are coming from with the mediation with ex stirring up a lot of feelings and those having an impact on your self-confidence and worrying about stuff with Mr Ex Army. I know that my outbursts of whittling and worrying here about LM and whether he's texted and should I get in contact etc etc coincide with periods where I am feeling low for whatever reason, particularly ex-related at the moment but also due to all the Christmas stuff (again, a lot of it is ex-related). It brings up all the old feelings of insecurity, zero self-confidence, no belief in myself as an attractive woman that people want to spend time with. I have spent almost two years recovering from that "relationship" and most of the time I'm really happy with how far I've come, and I hate to realise how fragile some of my recovery actually is and how easily he can knock me right back.

LM has been making plans for over Christmas, I know he's not going anywhere, but when I am low I have all sorts of thoughts that he is going to finish things etc. I have told him some of the stuff about my ex so he's aware what has gone on but I've posted on here before about how difficult I find it to open up and be honest about my feelings, positive and negative, because it makes me feel very vulnerable. However, he has been so open with me that I feel safer with him, because I know more about him than he does about me, if that makes sense, so it's okay for me to start to tell him things. I've also said some good stuff to him recently about how I feel about him, nothing OTT, but that has been a good start. I am feeling quite positive about things at the moment but I am going to have to do solicitor things later on today to try and sort out the situation with ex, which I know will knock me back, and will start off the anxiety spiral again. I KNOW all this which I suppose is half the battle!

If you want to PM me about any of this, please do as I'd be happy to talk about it more if that would help you at all. I do understand so much of what you are saying and where you're coming from.

Western thank you, just knowing you are not alone and that other people are going through the same or have gone through it makes it easier to deal with. I got married at Christmas time, its our anniversary next week, so again that brings up lots of mixed feelings. Thanks for the PM offer, I'll probably take you up on that In RL everyone tells me how strong I am and to keep being strong if I get upset. Sometimes I don't want to be strong I just want a hug!

What would happen Lulu if you told him you felt a bit low? I would bet that he'll give you lots of support if he knows how you're feeling. The problem with being a strong superwoman type (and I'm the same, again) is that you come across as very self-reliant and the opposite of needy, so that it can be difficult for other people to offer support and hugs as we present such an invulnerable front that in itself keeps people at bay. Hope that makes sense. So this is what I'm working on at the moment, lowering my guard a bit not just with LM but with other people I know I can trust, letting them know things aren't always okay and that I'd like a bit of help/support. It's really, really difficult but I think worth persevering with. Could you send him a text just saying "Good morning, feeling a bit down today after the weekend" or something and see what happens?

oww I think it was more how he phrased it, that is the problem.
Like him I have a very high sex drive, doesn't mean I fuck around.

He has left the door open

Sorry for those of you that find christmas such a tough time. I am very bah humbug about the whole thing. Determined to be blissfully miserable

Maybe a few of us will end up on here on Xmas Day drowning our mutual sorrows, proclaiming "fuck 'em" to all memories of exes!

voice that sounds very tempting

I have just sent him a text, saying its freezing here at work and I'm having one of those feeling needy and wanting reassurance phases - got a text straight back saying won't a hot water bottle do the job?

Think that was his idea of a joke and I am SO not in a joking mood today, followed very quickly by a second text with row upon row of kisses, smiley faces and hugs. I feel a bit better, I know he does care, its not his job to make it right, he hasn't done anything wrong

48, the thing with Coffee is the high caffeine content, its best to cut down gradually rather than go cold turkey - maybe an odd cup now and then? especially if it is VERY good Coffee??

Voice think you may have something there!!

Pixie don't knock the texts, they don't sound excessive, I suppose it's personal preference as to what is acceptable

Western just "thank you"

lulu sorry you?re feeling a bit down after the weekend, of course feelings are going to be stirred up and if nothing else you just feel a bit helpless that no matter what you do the other person continues to act like a prize idiot. I think the key (for me) is to accept that other people just won't do what you want them to, despite that clearly being the best course of action for all involved - because I am not Derren Brown and folk will continue to be twattish. I very much subscribe to the mindset that I don't feel sad or lobnely because of the actions of another - I control my attitudes, responses and feelings - but that doesn?t give carte blanche for the other peron to act the twat

I totally get the thing about armour and shields of independence. it takes an awful lot for me to admit I need help or display any vulnerability at all (because when I do, the help is gnerally not forthcoming and the vulnertability is stomped upon) so I give the impression of invincibility and not needing anyone. that makes me a little inhuman maybe, but the polar opposite is equally unattractive.

bant she's ?a bit strange. ( I typed 'nutter' but was then mindful of my previous complaints about depression/mental helath issues) I'd ditch - but of course you can't ditch now, because you've had sex with her five times and you'll look a total bastard. :)

at rest of thread - especially those who have hit a bad streak of 'woo'

I have an interview on Tuesday for temporary promotion for 9 months, so will need some hand-holding and general lovliness as I have to give a 5 minute presentation on my suitability. repeating 'I'm marvelous' for five minutes or turning up in a cone bra with an ensemble of tuxedoed male assistants probably wont cut it. :)

Lulu the Coffee was truly outstanding was supposed to be having a bloody huge potful tomorrow.

Maybe I will text him when he has finished work tonight

....or turning up in a cone bra with an ensemble of tuxedoed male assistants probably wont cut it.

Au contraire, it would probably ensure that you'd skoosh it.

I'm going to see the Artist again tonight, I'll see if she's calmed down a bit and we can talk more instead of just ripping each others clothes off. Although that'll probably happen too.

Snape - you're right of course, I can't dump her after sleeping with her, that would make me a vanisher, or a twunt, or whatever - no matter how justified I think the reasons are. And then I wouldn't be allowed to set up EthicalDating.com.

I do think she's really nice and maybe it's just that old chestnut about assuming the worst case scenario about what someone says when you don't know them that well. Having been married and knowing someone pretty damn well it's weird to go into a situation where you're in bed with someone you don't know, exchanging texts which can be ambiguous and you can take it the wrong way. A red flag may only be a red flag in hindsight, she could just be bowled over by my amazingness and not the cynic realist about OD that I've become.

What I meant to say was - a red flag may only be a red flag in hindsight when things turn out badly.

Texting a lot, being very enthusiastic about how great I am, wanting to drag me into bed and send me pictures of herself naked - none of those individually are bad things, and it's good to find someone passionate - but I'm a little cautious about buying a pet rabbit, just in case.

Bantam, check the stove for boiled rabbits and the freezer for semen samples.

ok Bant obvs the coffee was intoxicating....I still think the condom thing was really rubbish tho...

actually, I didn?t comment on the naked pic, but I should. I would tend to agree that once there has been a level of nakedness intimacy the offer of a naked pic isn't completely untoward - but added into the context of (1) not wanting to use condoms (2) the disappearing condom (with a spermicidal codecil and a 20 minute sperm lifespan) (3) really, the fact that you noticed one had legged it of it's own accord, (4) a loudly ticking biological clock (5) uber-texting. (6) dropping the L-bomb - after 8 days.. well they would all be red flags fo me. This looks like May Day in Moscow.

That said - there are degrees of naked pics. artistic vs flaps. artistic might be acceptable. Flaps are the equivilent of a cock pic and that smacks of 'LOOK AT THIS! THIS IS WHAT YOURE MISSING' I think you're right to see her again, but I think you need to have a very carefully defined chat about things.

and of course you're great and it's lovely that she's enthusiastic about that - any issues you might have with that are self-esteem issues

It can be a bit alarming when someone wears their heart on their sleeve like that...people who fall in love quickly tend also to fall out of love quickly?
like a roaring fire that consumes it's fuel very quickly in a big 'whoosh'

Snape artistic versus flaps!! nearly spat out my coffee!

All the hand holding you need for Tuesday will be here, you'll nail it!