Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

[JulietteMontague]

Off we go...

Right .. A question though for you all to ponder now that it is the cold light of day

TheAuditor said last night he'd never used condoms and has only had 5 partners (only takes 1 to get an std though) .. He has had a vasectomy .. So he has the option of condoms or a std check (and having to wait for the results ) I would have thought then .. What do you wise people think? Xx

Kirsty - so presumably he didn't have sex with any of those women before they (and he) had a clean test?

Personally j would go with condoms anyway kirsty-at the end of the day, do you know him well enough to know for certain he's not sleeping with anyone else? Or that he would turn down the opportunity to if it arose?

Kirsty - you don't really know the Auditor at all - a few emails, a few meetings, you don't know him. He could be married, he could be seeing 4 other women at the same time. The only bloke I know (not that we talk about it that much) that refuses to wear a condom will shag anything that moves, besides his long suffering wife who has caught a couple of minor STDs off him. You've only got the Auditors word that he's only had 5 partners - it could have been 40 or 100, and he's told them all it's only been 5.

Just because he's never used them, which is remarkable in this day and age, doesn't mean he has the right to not use them. I'd insist on a dated clean STD check, or wearing a condom, or both.

Personally I'm not going to go skinny dipping until I know the Artist (or whoever) well enough to have had the STD talk and seen tests. It's really not worth the risk.

bant is that not what I said?? :-)

Oh and I forgot to say .. I know he is definitely separated .. One of my friends knows him from the gym (small world)

VeggieMan has replied - he seems really nice. Complimentary but not OTT, so it could be looking good. I think I will meet him if he asks (or ask him if he doesn't - although I have dropped some big hints in my reply to him just).

Had a message from another possibility this morning as well, so that's four that I will keep on with for the moment. GolfMan probably isn't for me and he lives a bit far away.

NotLM, on the contrary, has not been in touch. But I guess the phone call is promised for "the weekend" so he will be incommunicado until then. This is all so silly and I am getting less and less impressed with him. I do/did really like him but this pratting about and leaving me dangling all the time is very disrespectful and selfish. I know he's having a bad time, but he's not the only one and it doesn't give him licence to behave like a knob. I am really not into hanging around waiting for the crumbs off someone's table. I will wait for him to phone over the weekend, I guess, but I think mentally I have detached quite a lot already. If he doesn't come up with something pretty good, I am going to finish it with him, I think. (A couple of my rl friends think I am being very harsh though so I'm not sure . . . Things have to improve a lot if we are carrying on).

OWW rather than ending it with MrL why not just take a couple of steps back and let him get on with his own issues with his health just now and see if you're still interested if/when he gets back in touch

snape pah to the prof .. That is a pity but you knew it wasn't a goer what with the GF n'all

KW I've thought about that as an option, and maybe it's something I'll do. But it's not his health issues that are causing the problem really. It's his lack of thoughtfulness and consideration for me, plus the increasing feeling that he sees me as someone he can just pick up or put down as and when it suits him without any thought as to how I feel about it. And things with his ex wife are getting quite bitter and nasty and I really don't want to get caught up in any if that. I think it's just wait and see at the moment.

If I don't see him this weekend (and I'm assuming I won't seeing as I am only pencilled in for a phone call) it will be a fortnight since I've seen him.

Hello all.

Kirsty There is no way I would sleep with someone new without condoms until things are much further down the line despite the fact that I can't possibly get pregnant. Sorry, but that would be a total deal breaker for me in the early days.

WW At the risk of voicing an unpopular opinion here, do you think it's right that you're lining up other potential dates before you've figure out what's going on with L(?)M? You said yourself that you're beyond 'just dating' at this stage. I can't tell you whether or not you're being too hard on him - personally I would be making a lot of allowances for someone who's just been through something potentially life altering, but if you feel you're being treated unfairly then I think you need to tell him that rather than going behind his back and looking to meet other men. Sorry. You are obviously totally free to ignore me but that's my feeling on it.

Bant I'm sensing a lot of "she's lovely, but...." ?

Snape Bad Wolf Prof :<

So, I haven't had absolute confirmation about the job yet but I think it's safe to say I've got it! My friend actually owns the whole company and he basically said the job is mine if I want it. I feel like I can breathe again. I might even buy myself a little PRESENT.

Also, as much as I really hate to admit this....I might have put in a little cosmic order about 6 weeks ago, asking for a job by Dec 1st. Does this mean I have to start believing in Woo?

Go for it Yoga-I love the colour of the purple one - especially as the strap was broken on your old one grrr. But yay for the new job!

Yoga - you're right and I wouldn't meet anyone whilst I was still "involved" with LM. All I've been doing at the moment is a bit of flirting which I am okay with. Haven't said anything I wouldn't say in front of my mother . I guess I'm making the assumption that things are going to finish with him pretty soon. Nothing life changing has actually happened to him with his health, looks like all is well from what he has told me when he had his follow-up appointment earlier this week. He is physically well, up and doing and taking the children out and walking the dogs etc etc. He is mentally far, far too involved with his ex, not in a getting back with her way but is putting a huge amount of energy into fighting with her over all sorts of things. I have been getting the feeling that I am just another way of getting back at her ie "Look! I've got a girlfriend, I so don't need you" and all that sort of stuff. He is up to seeing his ex, just not me.

I thought we were beyond "dating", but from what has been happening lately I am not sure that he thinks the same. It seems to me that he's treating me pretty casually, feels free to cancel on me with a couple of hours' notice (after he knows all the arrangements I have to make to see him re babysitting etc), doesn't ask after me in terms of what is happening with the house sale, doesn't seem at all eager to see me eg hasn't made alternative arrangements after cancelling yesterday etc etc. If he'd phoned and said "Look, really sorry, but I'm feeling crap today after what happened - how about I take you out on Saturday instead?" that would have been okay, but he didn't. So once again I am left hanging, not knowing where I stand with the whole thing and waiting for him to have the time to see/call me.

Blimey, that was a bit of a rant. Didn't know I felt that strongly about it all. I will wait and see what he says when he phones, but I'm not expecting a lot.

Hi all, I haven't posted for a while and you've all been very busy while I was away!

So of the two meetings I was meant to have, the first one with frustrated writer didn't happen, allegedly because his car broke down, but he hasn't been in touch at all since my last text on Saturday, I think I can forget about him.

The other meeting, with the real ale buff, did take place but first of all, he really is not my type physically, plus he is one of those guys that don't know how to have a conversation. I'd ask him a question about himself, he'd answer, then instead of asking me a question back, he'd just sit there silently with a daft smile on his face, and I'd feel forced to ask another question, etc. I think he asked me about 2 things about myself in one hour. Also he had one very long and sticky out eyebrow hair which I couldn't stop staring at... There's been no contact at all after the meeting.

So it's all back to the drawing board for me! I'm in touch with another guy, trying to arrange a meeting for around 20 December, which seems a long way away but we are both very busy people and live about 1hr from each other.

Bant I think you are not sure about the Artist! Is she too full on?

Kirsty In your shoes I would insist on condoms. His reaction to your insistence would tell you a lot!

And a million congratulations on the job!!! Well done you.

Someone explain cosmic ordering to me please! I want some!

A bit of a mixed weekend for me, travelling to see Mr Ex Armt tonight for dinner and being shagged senseless a sleepover, he is working most of Saturday and Saturday evening and then spending Sunday with his DD, really looking forward to it as I am start to feel a bit more secure and realising that the does what he says he will and there are no games going on.

BUT will then go on Saturday to the first mediation meeting with STBXH.
It will be the first time I will have seen him since the middle of August when he was arrested for assaulting me. He then cancelled all mediation meetings that have been set up in the last 4 months even though I was prepared to go, so we could get the finances sorted .... and his reason for cancelling, he didn't feel mentally fit to attend given the mental anguish that I put him through as a result of being arrested!

No acknowledgment of what he did to me, no remorse or apology just how it affected him. So I am dreading seeing him. He is the classic profile of an emotional and physical abuser and an absolute mind fuck. Big bottle of wine chilling for Saturday night when me and the DC's will be putting the tree up.

OWW from what you say in your last post he doesn't seem very committed to your relationship. I fear you may be right about his being still too involved with his ex.

God this phone and my spelling! Apologies

Lulu, your STBX does sound like a classic abuser. It will be hard meeting him in mediation but at least you won't be on your own to face him, which should make it more difficult for him to manipulate things.

Lulu - mediation isn't appropriate when there is a history of abuse in the relationship. Please think about cancelling as the last thing you need to do is put yourself through this. I refused mediation with my ex on the same grounds and there wasn't a problem with doing this (well, he had one but no-one else did)!

Condoms.

Always. Ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Western, I understand what you are saying, we have both spoken separately with the Mediator and she is happy for the meetings to continue given what had been said. She is fully aware of the history and I feel strong enough to deal with him but it is just hard work and as I said a mind fuck because I think he really believes despite him cheating and lying and behaving atrociously, he believes he has been wronged in some way!

hopefully my post coital glow will see me through!

yoga awesome news re the job!! Congratulations!!!

OWW it sounds to me like it is not a goer with Mr L and you know that yourself

Sorry to still harp on about the safe sex thing .. But what about oral sex .. It isn't safe either is it? So do you insist on a std check before indulging in that??

The Artist is quite full on, yes, but I'm still waiting to see if she calms down. She's very into texting, lots of them, and is very keen on me but sometimes sense of humour doesn't come across well in texts so it's difficult to understand sometimes.
I'm the only person she's met so far from her Online dating - although she did it years ago - so I think she hasn't grown as cynical and cautious as I have about it. Dinner at hers on Sunday will be my first 3rd date with anyone in 8 years or so, since my STBXW, so I've told her I want to take things slowly and carefully, it's all very intense and that I really do like her but I'm kind of feeling my way here, don't want either of us to end up getting hurt if things go wrong.

She does tick all of my boxes, she's a lot more talkative than my last relationship, who if anything was too quiet, so it's just getting used to new people I think - maybe that's part of it ? I'm usually very talkative myself, and it just takes some adjustment to someone who's more so than me.

So.. she's lovely, but... I don't know her yet, and I'm trying to work out the difference between something different I can get used to, and something which will wind me up longer term.

If I expect someone who's perfect in every way, I'll end up single forever, I'm just seeing what level of differentness from what I'm used to is workable. If that makes sense at all. All the women I've had second dates with so far had their own quirks, good sides and bad sides.

The way I look at it is:
The first date is to see whether you fancy and get on okay with them. The second date is to work out whether you like them as a person and really want to see lots more of them, the third date is when you start opening up a bit more and seeing how well you really click, and the skeletons start coming out of the closet, and you start seeing their downsides as well as upsides and working out how serious you might get with them.

This is just what I think, of course. Different for everyone.

Lulu you do not have to this mediation. There is a history of abuse and it is documented. Please consider contacting your solicitor or whomever it is to cancel, you don't have to put yourself through this.

yoga good news, definitely need to get yourself a pressie!

kirsty condoms all the way (although I hate them)

skaffen real ale buff sounded hard work and the eyebrow hair, eugh

and western I would do the same as you with LM, wait and see what happens at the weekend when you speak but no harm in exploring some other possibilities in the meantime.