Please help, kicked me when I'm down and now wants to make up, can't cope

[aefondkisses]

Found out on Monday that H slept with someone four times while on two-week work trip abroad. Didn't use protection. He says he'd decided, without informing me, that we needed to get a divorce so was therefore single and not doing anything wrong (his very words). We'd had an argument the day before he'd left and he said I'd gone too far (again, didn't say that at the time). I'm in such a state I can't explain this properly.

The argument was nasty it's true. But I wasn't the only one, and he was pretty harsh, even threatening at one point. Now, he says he's not sure and is blaming what happened on the things I said. It came about because, as usual, he didn't take into account the fact that I have physical problems that make everything seem harder. It was DS's birthday and I wanted it to be great. He decided to invite his family and friends to dinner the same night, followed by six of his ex-colleagues the following evening. So I'd been cooking all weekend and preparing stuff for the kiddie party on Friday too. He hardly helped and wants a medal for what he did do. When he said in the middle of it that he was going out for a swim, leaving me with my DS and step-DS and all the cleaning, I lost it and we had the argument. I have a slipped disc (third in four years) and have been struggling with hormonal imbalance that started when I got chronic fatigue 10 years ago. It goes in cycles and my life is hugely better but I'm nowhere near to normal energy levels. Was getting back to proper weight but after this I've shrunk again, can only drink tea. The painkillers are the only things keeping me sane as one of them also treats anxiety. I'm gutted for DS too as I just can't see how we can get back from this as H says he will never feel remorse but is willing to start afresh (wtf?!).

What's worse is that I struggle to believe his version and feel he wanted to hurt me, as punishment for argument. I have no proof of that, just my gut. If he'd really decided to leave, would he have needed to tell me about OW? When he came home, we put little one to bed then he said he'd decided to leave. He burst into tears and was so distraught I softened (I'd been mad he'd not asked about DS by mail over the two weeks he was gone). That was when he told me about OW. This is the second time he's dealt with a dispute in this way, though the first time it was 'just a snog'. I'll never know, but he's such a child I believed him. Now I'm lost. Have managed to keep a brave face for DS but it's going to be hard to keep it up. H wants us to have counselling but my instinct says he wants to hurt me again by discussing it in front of someone else, humiliating others is a family trait, at least on of MIL's.

He didn't just have sex with OW, they spent time around people who know us both and to whom he probably told his version of events, that makes it ten times worse. It's horrible.
Please help, what are the baby steps to not lose it?

I'm liking the new tone in your posts a lot!

Infidelity hurts because it shows a lack of respect. It's not old fashioned to expect respect from your husband, it's absolutely fundamental to any half decent marriage. You don't need to justify feeling hurt by it, and the fact that you feel you do need to shows what a number he's done on you.

You may look back on this in the future as a good day, the day when you finally started to value yourself again.

I've been lurking ae but wanted to say: "You don't own me" stops being entirely true when someone promises fidelity.

If he promised to be sexually faithful to you, then he was, in a way, saying "this is a part of our life together with is ONLY ours. We own it together, and share it with no-one else."

It's not the sex, really, that makes infidelity so awful- it's the broken promise. It's the taking-away-of-something-meant-just-for-you-two.

You're not being petty, jealous, controlling or whatever (which you seem to hint at worrying about with your 'I don't own him' phrase) - you're hurt because he lied and broke his promise. And that's what a marriage is, a promise. Well, he broke it. Of course you're hurt. That's the rational response to have.

Keep on keeping on, ae, you're being amazing.

Thanks for the encouragement cailin and blackcurrants. When I read your posts each of them gave me a "hell yeah" moment . We're talking about basics here and I'm doubting myself, like it's my failing FFS and FFS again.

If my gran was still around she'd have quietly had his guts for garters (loved her sayings) and would be having strong words with me...if I'd have managed to tell her, which brings me back to the central issue. Needing to feel vindicated in not accepting that this is my fault, stop feeling ashamed (where's his shame?), remember what the important values are and, most of all, that actions define the person, not fancy talk.

Just have to start putting this properly into action in my own life. Spent all afternoon listening to RL friend on the phone, and was perfectly happy in that role (she doesn't know, too far away, too young, too starry-eyed over H) and am now too drained to think about my own situation! Seeing repetitive patterns all over the place, friends who have same responsibility issues as H and with whom it's one-way (not long-ago ones, they're great). If my eyes open any wider they'll pop out!

just want to add that i've got plate loads of stuff going on too, it's just that it's more to do with not setting boundaries and shouldering too much, as opposed to not taking responsibility, showing respect, listening or valuing others, for instance.

hi, aefond, I saw your posts on owl's thread and thought they were fab (although of course your new-found wisdom has been gained in the worst possible way )

I hope she does come here because what you say is so true. The disrespect starts with something like a snog, and if that goes unacknowledged and the relevant steps taken to make sure it never happens again then it will, and it will escalate.

You sound like you have done a lot of thinking and some lightbulbs have switched on for you. Very painful stuff, but necessary I think or you risk being a doormat all your life, in thrall to a weak and inadequate man. Not what you wanted for yourself, is it ?

oh AF I hope those lightbulbs will stay switched on. They're kind of blinky at the moment. It's all thanks to MN, you and the girls here and I probably should have added that on the owl's thread.

I don't feel like I have any wisdom to impart. I just feel so strongly like saying to her what I wish I'd heard in my own case, back at the "snog" stage. It was one of the most heart-breaking moments of my life, and that's saying something.

None of this is what I wanted, no. There were signs from day one, loads of little things that I let chip away at my value system, with help from poisonous in-laws and lack of proper support.

I don't know if I'll make it out, despite all these strong words today. But if I can convince one single person not to follow the same path it'll be good for me too.

Thanks for being there!

we are always here

I hope you do make it out. I think you can...but you have to be ready. I wonder what exactly would make you decide enough was enough.

Just read the whole thread and wanted to say that I'm so glad that you are here and getting support. The Lundy book helped me enormously to stop feeling guilty and caring. It will give you your mind and your truth back. The other name for Stockholm syndrome is Traumatic Bonding, and it explains so much about how abusive relationships work. It will get easier, and clearer. Once your eyes are opened its impossible to close them.

I will be thinking about you and I hope you find the strength to get away.

good work aefond! don't beat yourself up about not having got out earlier - it's a process - it's not just a question of where your limits are but also how quickly you respond to things, which may be months/years. maybe the first time he cheated was the turning point, but it's only now it's percolated through enough for you to act on it and leave (we all hope).

do you find it problematic that your friends are starry eyed about him? you need to identify the ones that aren't and talk to them.

sorry your gran's not still with us btw. but that's the way to think about it - be as kind to yourself as someone who really loved you would be to you even if there isn't anyone actually filling that role at the minute.

right have to go now as have a deadline, sorry, but you can do it. onwards and upwards!

nb will be back later though.

ps I like 'we are always here' AFD - sounds like we're the fates or something.

I bet not all your friends are starry eyed over him. Some will just not want to say anything negative.

good luck, keep on keeping those lights switched on!

AEfond, it's me owl. Thank you for pointing me towards your thread, I have read it all. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The similarities and parallels are unbelievable. I'm wiped out this morning, and can't think straight but when I've gathered myself together I will be back with a proper post.

For now I am sending you an unmumsnetty sisterly hug to wherever you are in the world, and hoping for a manageable day for us both.

How you doing this morning, aefond ?

Hi AFD, still feeling effects of sleeping pill so not as shaky as yesterday morning, thanks, and managed to eat breakfast . Noticing a growing addiction to mumsnet..but it's a lifeline so I'm hanging on to it.

We had a long talk last night. Or rather, tried. I feel like I have an invisible shield thanks to you guys. A massive bullshit deflector. He talked, I just kept up the "not admissible in this court" stance. Felt really sturdy in my mind, albeit not in actions (let him hold my hand, BAH!).

However, I just read an older thread where the woman kicked the guy out immediately after finding out about PA. So wish I'd had the strength to do that, as I don't think I've actively shown him THE LINE. It's clear in my head but not sure he's got it yet. He'll get the most almight shock if I end this.

owl thanks for coming on, I'm worried about you as I would a little sister. Keep on posting, it really helps you get some mental strength back. Private message me any time. It sucks but you have an opportunity here to save yourself.

xx

Please don't regret what you didn't do in the past. You, too, have an opportunity to save yourself...it is not too late. Don't consign yourself to this crap.

aefondkisses i really feel for you, you really to get rid of this man (used that term loosely), hes seems totally incapable of being in charge of his own feelings, blaming you and really being just cruel, you deserve so much better than this piece of human garbage, he has no respect or love for you, get some counselling for yourself and decide if this man is the one you want to but your faith in forever. I certainly wouldnt take this man back after cheating four times and using an argument to justify that (couples argue big deal), he just wants his cake and eat it, dont allow him to use your heart as a doormat.

trancek I'm ordering that book today, it seems to have been recommended on loads of threads. I've not got the concentration to read yet but I will.

MC and Jax interesting points about the starry eyes. This is a lot to do with his line of work, but he also has natural charm and a sense of humour (part of the reason I fell for him anyway).
HOWEVER [angry ) I see now that this also has to do with boundaries. I've been unwell since moving here and had a baby in the midst of it all. I'm realising that part of the problem was that I simply wasn't thinking straight (cf illness) and began accepting the mild flirtation going on between these new "friends"/colleagues of H and H himself (my old RL friends would never do that).
This was hurting me but I kept thinking that it was my fault for being overly sensitive/jealous (as H would say). But new MN-fuelled self says, actually I don't want friends who flirt with my H, and I don't want an H who flirts back. That's not jealous, it's basic respect so to Fuck with that .

Blinky lightbulbs but they're definitely on.

xx

HOWEVER

to angry not to correct that, hmph

it's such a relief to feel vindicated, I can't tell you.

thanks for the reminder MrsF. I'm showing him a strong front but it's true I have a really short memory and it's a worry. A week ago I felt liked I'd had my guts, heart and brains ripped out and I'm already forgetting the detail.

AF I think I'm losing myself in that, and of course it's so much easier to help someone else I've been shifting my attention to owl. It's such a habit and I know it's a way of avoiding dealing with my own stuff, but it's so deep-rooted in me it's frightening. And of course H has got entirely used to that and knows how to "work me".

Just had a wobbly moment where he glibbly said he had a gig at New Year and thought we could go along together i.e. I sit and watch on my own (as per) and when he's done all the client wooing we eventually do something together. Having put up with some swooning from other women who don't give a hoot that it's in front of me.

I got the BS deflector out and said quietly that I couldn't say we'd still be together by then. H went white but stayed calm. He's gone out, told me to eat, is being nice. On the inside though, it was difficult. I need more strength to deal with the reality of a split with the "festive period" coming up.

Oh dear. Your romanticism about the "festive period" will be the undoing of you, if you let it.

It's just another day, love. Another day where your self esteem is trampled down to the bottom of your thoughts and you put a false smile on to please him.

Oh, aefond, you are really something.

To be so funny and astute when you are in the middle of a big crisis like this says so much for you.

You're amazing. Keep going, you'll get there :)

I don't see why being miserable or living a lie is more important over the 'festive period' than at any other time.

You are going to be as unhappy as you decide to be, I suspect - as in, he's not going to magically become a better man. You are going to decide how much misery you are willing to put up with, for the "festive period" or any other period.

I want to tell you something mind-blowing, though, so pay very close attention:

the amount of misery this man creates in your life could be.... NONE! YES! NONE!

You don't have to take his shit.

But he is unlikely to change.

Thank you aefond, your posts today sound very strong. You should be very proud of yourself, I know how hard it is.

I've left a message with a councellor, I do hope she calls back and can see me soon, I need an appointment in my diary before I change my mind. Maybe she will help me to fix myself, what an amazing thought!!