Please help, kicked me when I'm down and now wants to make up, can't cope

[aefondkisses]

Found out on Monday that H slept with someone four times while on two-week work trip abroad. Didn't use protection. He says he'd decided, without informing me, that we needed to get a divorce so was therefore single and not doing anything wrong (his very words). We'd had an argument the day before he'd left and he said I'd gone too far (again, didn't say that at the time). I'm in such a state I can't explain this properly.

The argument was nasty it's true. But I wasn't the only one, and he was pretty harsh, even threatening at one point. Now, he says he's not sure and is blaming what happened on the things I said. It came about because, as usual, he didn't take into account the fact that I have physical problems that make everything seem harder. It was DS's birthday and I wanted it to be great. He decided to invite his family and friends to dinner the same night, followed by six of his ex-colleagues the following evening. So I'd been cooking all weekend and preparing stuff for the kiddie party on Friday too. He hardly helped and wants a medal for what he did do. When he said in the middle of it that he was going out for a swim, leaving me with my DS and step-DS and all the cleaning, I lost it and we had the argument. I have a slipped disc (third in four years) and have been struggling with hormonal imbalance that started when I got chronic fatigue 10 years ago. It goes in cycles and my life is hugely better but I'm nowhere near to normal energy levels. Was getting back to proper weight but after this I've shrunk again, can only drink tea. The painkillers are the only things keeping me sane as one of them also treats anxiety. I'm gutted for DS too as I just can't see how we can get back from this as H says he will never feel remorse but is willing to start afresh (wtf?!).

What's worse is that I struggle to believe his version and feel he wanted to hurt me, as punishment for argument. I have no proof of that, just my gut. If he'd really decided to leave, would he have needed to tell me about OW? When he came home, we put little one to bed then he said he'd decided to leave. He burst into tears and was so distraught I softened (I'd been mad he'd not asked about DS by mail over the two weeks he was gone). That was when he told me about OW. This is the second time he's dealt with a dispute in this way, though the first time it was 'just a snog'. I'll never know, but he's such a child I believed him. Now I'm lost. Have managed to keep a brave face for DS but it's going to be hard to keep it up. H wants us to have counselling but my instinct says he wants to hurt me again by discussing it in front of someone else, humiliating others is a family trait, at least on of MIL's.

He didn't just have sex with OW, they spent time around people who know us both and to whom he probably told his version of events, that makes it ten times worse. It's horrible.
Please help, what are the baby steps to not lose it?

[aefondkisses]

ok so I've just had to rewrite my reply twice and still MN keeps logging me out ahh!
I'll try and be brief in case it happens again.

Just had long phone call with RL friend who's too far to come round but was so supportive it feels great. I knew she would be but saying it all out loud rather than in my head as I have been all week was really good. Much love to her if she ever lurks here, she's not a member but might do since I've been singing your praises for the last hour!

Thanks AF for the red flag, you're right. And even if I'm only romantic about it for DS I know now that even that is incorrect thinking. Finding it difficult to unpick my old ways but trying as hard as I can.

Athin defence mechanisms are out in force, humour is definitely one of mine. Thanks for all the support and great advice. Have written down almost everything you have all been saying these last few days, having it on paper really helps.

blackcurrants keep the strong words coming! I'm going to keep thinking in capital letters, it helps:
YOU PETROL BOMBED THE BRIDGE TO ME
YOUR EXCUSE IS NOT ADMISSIBLE IN MY COURT
IF YOU TRY AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY I WILL NOT SPEAK TO YOU
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS MY FAULT FOR NOT COMPLAINING ENOUGH?!!!

GAME OVER!

ha enjoyed that

now for real life [sceptical]

[aefondkisses]

that would be

owl if you're there, that's great you called a counsellor, but you don't need fixing. UNLESS you decide, like I did, to put up with it a day longer.
But I'll copy this to your own thread otherwise we could miss each other.
Hang in there, the support here will help you get through until your appointment. Keep posting, even if you think you're questions are crazy, stupid, etc. no-one here will think that.
The fact that you're here show's you have strength, you'll see it's rock solid once you stop trying to understand his behaviour.
xx

[Owlfright]

Some one (or maybe more than one person) on MN suggested I see a counsellor to look at why I'm willing to accept so little in a relationship. So that is my plan.

[aefondkisses]

so much for strong

he decided the couch wasn't doing it for him (said the boiler's making a noise) and that he could just lie next to me, that we both need our sleep so it's no big deal. So I quit the bedroom immediately and am now in spare room, told him he hasn't got it. But not feeling good at all.

didn't follow my own plan and started explaining sth. It was just that I got so annoyed at the offhand way he said his cousin might come and stay this weekend. I couldn't let it go and said well given the situation I didn't think it was appropriate and didn't want to play happy families. He'd decided it wasn't a problem and that just because we are having problems doesn't mean we can't have people round. I mean WFT? He saw me cry for four hours straight the other day!
Then he started on about the past and it just escalated into the same old pattern, provokation, denial, you're the one who attacked me by banging into me, etc. He said I was paranoid and brought up an example of one time I was upset when pregnant. It's rubbish, don't even want to go into the details.

he brought up what he did in NY for no reason I can see other than to make me feel bad as it wasn't to start a conversation but to end one. As if to say, and look what I ended up doing cos of you. Heart gets pummeled yet again.

Can't believe I fell into the trap again. It's because I said it was over, he's angry and won't even admit it. It's been like this the whole time, passively making me feel horrible about myself and denying my feelings unless they're the "right" ones.

Never going to sleep now, but so need to, this is horrible.

[aefondkisses]

thanks leverette, I thought I was making progress too. he'll be away from work from Thursday midday until saturday so that'll be a breather.
going to try and rest, we're an hour ahead of you here so not great as need to be up early.
thanks for being there
x

[ladyWordy]

Don't worry, you are doing fine aefond. It takes time to go through this process: as with illness, recovery is rarely a simple one way street.

In my experience, clarity and strength comes when you are away from the cause of the trouble. When you are back in the same room with them, you get sucked back into their twisted energy/mindset, and lose track of your own wishes and resolve.

Keep at it, though. Because soon, your own voice and strength really will come through for you. :)

[AnyFuckingDude]

You are not U to not not want house guests at this time.

Tell H if he wants his relative to stay, they can both fuck off to a local hotel

In fact...your H should be fucking off from your house. Permanently. You can't really still want him, can you ? Imagine living like this forever, unless you STFU like a good little wifey. Bollocks to that.

[aefondkisses]

i know he's the one that should be fucking off but I'm starting to feel like I can't stay a second more in this house. I'm trying to work out where I could go so that we only have to see each other for a short minute when he gets back on Saturday. He can look after DS and any other family member he choses, i just want to breathe and not be in familiar surroundings.

Had about four hours sleep so totally wired and upset. Got to work in a minute so am trying to get head straight.

Talking last night felt like being sucked down a drain, where you feel increasingly sick and dizzy.

If it was obvious verbal abuse, like swearing at me, "obviously" rather than insidiously, putting me down, throwing stuff to make a point etc. it would be clearer to me. I think the problem is it's so passive which ends up making me the one raising her voice. Then it doesn't feel fair. I agree bollocks to that but why is all the strength gained this last week draining away so fast?

I think ladywordy is right, I can't be around him or I'll just get stuck again.

[aefondkisses]

oh and he said he went to sti clinic on Monday and they told him he had to wait until January to do the test, but surely that's just for aids? What about all the other shit you can catch? It's like if I don't find out for him it's too bad, he just won't take responsibility.

I can't get out of my head his you attacked me first when "you banged into me" thing. Yes I did push him (not with my hands, by walking into him), because I thought he was deliberately blocking my way as per and couldn't take it anymore. Is that "the same" as pulling someone into another room by the hair and arm? That's a genuine question by the way.

When i pointed out to him that he once punched my hand (the one holding the gear stick) during an argument in the car, he shut up. Could hardly say I started it then could he.

[CailinDana]

I know you need answers to these questions but trying to reason things out with someone like him will only drive you demented. He already has you questioning yourself left right and centre. The fact is, he is a nasty shit. It doesn't matter whether you pushed him or not, it really doesn't. It doesn't matter whether it's the "same" as anything else. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY HOW YOU FEEL. He has you absolutely believing that your feelings don't matter and that if you do have any ounce of feeling you have to justify it down to the last letter. Meanwhile he is totally justified in pulling your hair and your arm (because "you started it"), shagging around (because he "considered you divorced") and inviting his family members round (just because). So, he can behave any way he likes, with no need to explain it but you need to explain your every breath.

Stop it. You don't need to explain yourself. Take ownership of your feelings.

[CailinDana]

Oh and get your own sti test and then never sleep with him again, please, it's not safe.

[aefondkisses]

thanks cailin I will get tested, been stuck lying down all week but am working today so will get it together. I have no intention of sleeping with him, which is why I slept in a different room since he decided he was reclaiming ours.

thanks for the reminder about justification, I want so much to get back to the strong place I was the other day.

have to work sorry, but really appreciate the support.

[ErikNorseman]

No STI clinic would tell him that. And no, pushing past someone who is blocking your way is not the same as dragging someone by their hair.

[AThingInYourLife]

His tactic to get you to stop saying your relationship might be over is to browbeat you into accepting that it is not.

So he moves back into your bed against your will, presuming that his presence in your intimate space will break down your defences.

Well done for moving elsewhere.

Same with the weekend guest - if you have to act normal in front of his cousin all weekend, that will make it harder for you to resume hostilities.

Don't let it happen. His cousin will know anyway when the spare room is occupied by you. So make it clear you will not be pretending.

And he's lying about the STI test. Through his teeth.

Oh, and yes, he brought up his NY girlfriend again because he gets a kick out of making you cry.

That shows him he is powerful.

He is a very cruel man.

[AnyFuckingDude]

What cooling said

[AnyFuckingDude]

Cailin, this new MN AP means you can.t see what you are typing and auto correcting to

[aefondkisses]

struggling against tight deadline but am reading intermittently, so thanks all for replying so quickly.

panicking a bit, realising that it would always be on sinking sand

[CailinDana]

I think your instinct to mother him is still in your way. It seems to me like you're still clinging to the hope that he'll suddenly become a decent person one day, say he's truly sorry and start taking your feelings into account. And when that doesn't happen, you act like a mother rather than a partner - you sigh and let it go and continue to hope. Having that sort of faith is admirable and commendable when it comes to children - you should hang in there, you should let things go. When it comes a partner that sort of faith is incredibly foolish. You are not his mother. You are not responsible for how his life turns out. He is. He is a grown adult. He is who he is, there is no more growing for him to do. It is his duty and responsibility as your partner to love and support you, just as much as you love and support him. And he just doesn't do that. Not at all. He is not a partner. He is the one who has caused the relationship to fail, by not playing his part. You've tried for a long time to compensate for that, but you need to stop now, it's killing you.

[AnAirOfHopeForSnow]

See a lawyer, start devoice and put the hoouse on the market - sell house take half the money and rent your own house with you and the children.

He is so controling you cant change him you need to get away or it will drive you crazy.

This weekend i would tell said cousin you are no longer a couple as he slept with someone else and you are spliting up. If the cousin is a decent person they will say sorry and leave.

Just be honest.

Dont get into a converstion with your ex. Use the repeated record techqueic. Think of a phase and repeat. something like "I have said its over there is nothing at this time i want to hear or say to you".

Good luck

[MyLittleFireBird]

Haven't read all 6 pages, but if it hasn't already been suggested already, please do get hold of 'Women Who Love Too Much' and read it.

[madeiracake]

aefond - the reason you feel dizzy and like you're sinking in quicksands is because he is doing everything he can in your conversations to ignore and deny your feelings/needs/point of view/general existence as an independent person. you tell him you're breaking up and he invites his cousin for the weekend? it's delusional. even worse with the trying to put blame onto you for his violence and cheating. are you familiar with the term gaslighting? that's what he's doing.

and because you're a highly empathetic person who generally seeks consensus in conversations (continuing on the assumption that you have a lot of my emotional weaknesses - I'm guessing you're generally very conflict avoidant?) you sort of emotionally believe him even though rationally you know he's wrong and this sends you into a tail-spin. actually it would send anyone crazy, and it's totally normal to want someone who has hurt you to at least acknowledge it, but you're probably particularly susceptible to it. you have to accept that you will never get him to admit what really happened, don't even try. you know the truth, just hold onto that and ignore him. 'your behaviour is not acceptable, please leave' rinse and repeat.

actually I think you're doing really well in a really short time. I am in awe tbh. I think going away and leaving him to get on with it is an excellent idea, but I think chucking him out would be even better. text him while he's away and tell him not to come back if that's easier?

nb std thing is a total joke - of course they test immediately. it's just another way of him enforcing the idea that you and your body and your safety are not important.

right back to my deadline - good luck with yours.

[madeiracake]

and to answer your question: no of course pushing to get past someone who you have every reason to believe is blocking your way isn't the same as pulling you in another room by your hair. that's a classic domestic violence victim-blaming move. your observation that he insidiously provokes you and then uses any outburst against you is spot on. he is the one manipulating here not you.

[Anniegetyourgun]

He's got every right to say the relationship is over if, in his mind, it is. You can't keep a person with you if they don't want to be. However he does not have the right to unilaterally declare it's on again. You both have a say in this.

I can see why you think in some ways he's like a child; it's like a naughty schoolboy pinching you and then shouting "pax" when you start to retaliate. Later on you just know he'll go "pax non" and pinch you again. But you have to obey the rules of "pax" otherwise... er what? Otherwise he'll stop getting away with it!

Married life isn't a playground, and actually, even if it were, you shouldn't have to put up with such silly tit-for-tat games. It's called bullying and most schools have a policy on it, which ten-year-olds are deemed to be old enough to understand. Your husband is not ten.