Sharing naked pictures taken and shared without someone's permission in order to bully them

[Offred]

Haven't name changed because I don't want to undermine ability to advise.

Also, am not interested in advice which tells me I am wrong to be upset about this or this is a small issue I shouldn't be making it into a big one because it is pointless given I have a different opinion which I am not going to change. What I want is a bit of support/advice with thinking this through in the context of me feeling it is wrong.

Dh's best friend visiting last night. Something weird going on between him and I anyway; on Thursday he texted me (not uncommon) asking what I was up to, I replied I was tired and stressed, the house was a mess and I was avoiding it in the bath and contemplating drinking a half drunk old bottle of wine which might be vinegar by now. Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly. This kind of thing is not uncommon, he's quite like this (Pervy) fairly indiscriminately when he has been drinking.

Last night it was a bit like he was trying extra hard to be a sexist prick, telling me repeatedly i wouldn't be interested in things because i was female and asking dh's opinion about stuff because he was a man. At one point he got out his phone and was laughing that he had a picture of a woman half naked on it to show dh. He does this kind of thing fairly often too - trying to give dh porn (will not have it in the house where we have 4 small children). I am seriously anti-porn; they both know this so I was already

He went on to say the photo had been taken without permission by the woman's ex and when they split distributed round the school she used to work in causing her to leave her job and move away, the kids in her new school got hold of the photo and distributed it, crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.

I feel and :( for this woman, I told him it was really really inappropriate, his reaction was "so what? She's over 16..."

My dh was joining in with my expression that it was wrong at this point so friend says "so you don't want to see it then?" Dh says "well I didn't say that!" and giggles so then friend holds the phone up and dh looks and friend bangs on about the photo.

At this point I had not had a drink because I had a cold. I have been trying to be kinder to dh recently so have been going to things with his friends (they aren't my friends or people I particularly like but he normally wants me to come when he meets them all), cooking nice food for him, trying not to rant about politics or put things on the TV that he hates etc that day I had been cooking a curry and stuffed parathas and cleaning the whole house from top to bottom/sorting out our bedroom so it would be nice for him (us) when he came home. I also have a stinking cold and by 8.30 when we sat down I was knackered but had lemsip rather than going to bed because friend was coming round. This just felt like a slap in the face from him.

At that point I felt I had a choice between making my feelings known or having a drink so I would be able to continue to be friendly. One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends so I am trying to bite my lip.

So all night I pretended to be friendly and casual and this morning I am angry at myself for allowing myself to a. Be changed and b. be walked all over like some bastarding doormat when I'm trying really hard to be kind.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

I have to be honest, if one of my husbands mates did anything like this (overt perving/flirting), and my husband sanctioned it by ignoring it after I had raised the issue, he wouldn't be my husband for much longer. Total disrespect for you, your feelings and it makes you feel vunerable in your home.

[AlmostAHipster]

And yes to what Handbag said too.

[Offred]

He hasn't had therapy, we've (i've) only recently (last month) connected the dots. His dad is/was misogynist, his mother has reacted to it by teaching her children that men are insignificant to and not required by women.

I don't know whether he can say stuff to make me feel better. I think committing to sorting out this stuff that makes him unable to assert himself maybe.

[Offred]

And if he did that I feel like I can't really guarantee I would stay with him because he might be a different person at the end.

[HandbagCrab]

Offred I'm sure you know that growing up in an abusive household isn't an excuse to be abusive yourself. A reason for behaviour patterns, but not an excuse. I'm sure you also know that your dh has to seek therapy or other help himself, commit to it himself and make the changes himself. You cannot do it for him or even organise it for him. You can assert you want him to do it and support him if he does but I don't think it's healthy for either of you for you to take responsibility for the changes he needs to make. Once he's done that then you may need to seek help as a couple if your relationship continues to have issues.

Does he acknowledge he has a problem and has articulated it himself or are you deciding this for him? The current stresses you are under are they a result of dsyfunctional relationships or something else?

[Offred]

I know. It's a thing I've identified and brought up. I know, I know :(

He is being proactive at being himself around me now, think that may be why that happened because he has let go of worrying about pissing me off but not his mate.

His mate is insignificant to me (now). It is how he is that's the problem. His friend has a lot of good points which do not make up for shithead sexism in any way but those are the reasons they are friends and why I have been. I've also been educating him a little about sexism and women and wonder if he was deliberately trying to piss me off after going a bit far with the texting, either way, irrelevant.

Dh has a break from on call today, we were meant to spend a family day which is now ruined because he's making my skin crawl.

Stress is big two's dad who is considering letting dh adopt them because he intends not to give a fuck ever and dcs are REALLY upset.

[Offred]

And I know growing up with anything negative is not an excuse to repeat it as a parent. I've worked really hard to try and overcome my own issues from this perspective. feel rotten with this cold too...

[AnyFucker]

Offred, I don't like your husband

What is it they say about birds of a feather flocking together ?

Your H is one of those people that shares naked photos without consent and he flaunted that fact in front of you

And you spend time trying to make things nice for him ? What are you thinking ?

[Offred]

No, AF he's one of those people who looks at it when it is held up in front of him, but I'm not sure why. I don't know whether he would share it if he was texted it, I'm not confident he wouldn't.

[Offred]

I am feeling ill and not up to more difficulty. I suppose ATM I am thinking he is one of those men who doesn't object to horrible sexual abuse of women.

[AnyFucker]

Looking is sharing, whether he "passes it on" or not. And the fact he flaunted it in front of you, knowing how you feel about it, says a lot about him...none of it good.

[AnyFucker]

I suppose ATM I am thinking he is one of those men who doesn't object to horrible sexual abuse of women.

I concur

[Offred]

I know none is good but to be fair it was more a case of having it shoved right into his face by arsehole friend but still, it happened as a result of his lack of objection and his baiting comment which is what I'm upset by.

[Offred]

It is of extreme importance to me that he is a man who does object. If he can't do that then I will have to choose and I hope I could make a good choice.

[AnyFucker]

< shrugs >

Moral weakness is no justification. He's a grown man, not a teenager hamstrung by peer pressure.

[AnyFucker]

cross posted there

my was not in response to your distress in any way at all

[Offred]

You are right, he does behave like a teenager hamstrung by peer pressure.

[Offred]

Ha! I know AF.

[AnyFucker]

Do you think by half-killing yourself to make the house nice, making yourself STFU about your normal and natural responses to shit behaviour, putting up with his objectionable friends and so on, is going to improve that situation ?

[Offred]

No, it isn't. I thought it might help him feel like he was loved and he mattered to me.

[Offred]

That's why it's so shit because the outcome is total disrespect of me and what matters to me.

[AnyFucker]

And he repaid that care and concern by taking the piss out of you with his arsehole friend? Epic fail, there.

Someone upthread asked if you had shown your H the texts from said "friend" pestering you for pics in the bath. Did you ? How would your H feel if it was pics of you this "friend" were to circulate for cheap laughs ?

[AnyFucker]

Offred, there is a massive argument here for not changing who you are for another person.

Especially one undeserving of such efforts

[Offred]

Because before this last thing (last thread I posted) I took the approach that he was an adult and had to sort himself out and when I realised he wasn't I felt really shit for what I realised had been total walking all over him that he had kept secret and felt bad about.

It is all my own decisions...

I do feel quite alone in this relationship where he has no emotional input.