Haven't name changed because I don't want to undermine ability to advise.
Also, am not interested in advice which tells me I am wrong to be upset about this or this is a small issue I shouldn't be making it into a big one because it is pointless given I have a different opinion which I am not going to change. What I want is a bit of support/advice with thinking this through in the context of me feeling it is wrong.
Dh's best friend visiting last night. Something weird going on between him and I anyway; on Thursday he texted me (not uncommon) asking what I was up to, I replied I was tired and stressed, the house was a mess and I was avoiding it in the bath and contemplating drinking a half drunk old bottle of wine which might be vinegar by now. Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly. This kind of thing is not uncommon, he's quite like this (Pervy) fairly indiscriminately when he has been drinking.
Last night it was a bit like he was trying extra hard to be a sexist prick, telling me repeatedly i wouldn't be interested in things because i was female and asking dh's opinion about stuff because he was a man. At one point he got out his phone and was laughing that he had a picture of a woman half naked on it to show dh. He does this kind of thing fairly often too - trying to give dh porn (will not have it in the house where we have 4 small children). I am seriously anti-porn; they both know this so I was already 
He went on to say the photo had been taken without permission by the woman's ex and when they split distributed round the school she used to work in causing her to leave her job and move away, the kids in her new school got hold of the photo and distributed it, crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.
I feel 
and :( for this woman, I told him it was really really inappropriate, his reaction was "so what? She's over 16..."
My dh was joining in with my expression that it was wrong at this point so friend says "so you don't want to see it then?" Dh says "well I didn't say that!" and giggles so then friend holds the phone up and dh looks and friend bangs on about the photo.
At this point I had not had a drink because I had a cold. I have been trying to be kinder to dh recently so have been going to things with his friends (they aren't my friends or people I particularly like but he normally wants me to come when he meets them all), cooking nice food for him, trying not to rant about politics or put things on the TV that he hates etc that day I had been cooking a curry and stuffed parathas and cleaning the whole house from top to bottom/sorting out our bedroom so it would be nice for him (us) when he came home. I also have a stinking cold and by 8.30 when we sat down I was knackered but had lemsip rather than going to bed because friend was coming round. This just felt like a slap in the face from him.
At that point I felt I had a choice between making my feelings known or having a drink so I would be able to continue to be friendly. One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends so I am trying to bite my lip.
So all night I pretended to be friendly and casual and this morning I am angry at myself for allowing myself to a. Be changed and b. be walked all over like some bastarding doormat when I'm trying really hard to be kind.
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Sharing naked pictures taken and shared without someone's permission in order to bully them
Offred · 24/11/2012 08:55
I think you're massively over analysing it.
This guy is chatting with you while you're in the bath and asking for pics.
You refuse.
He then pops up with a naked pick of someone else to make you jealous and encourage your compliance in the future.
I would stop talking to your husbands friends (especially ones you know are a bit 'pervy') while you're in the bath. It's not apologist or whatever to think that someone speaking to you while naked is very comfortable with you 
As to the woman in the pics- disgusting story, but if you consent to another person taking pics of you naked in this day and age, you consent to them ending up on the web, getting passed around etc.
Sorry if I'm not within the rules of the opinions you want to hear.
He does have lots of good points too! 
honestly and his bad points are not earth shattering to me and are things he needs to sort out for his own happiness and sanity anyway.
I think it was largely because I was parenting again 
. Dh doesn't make arrangements properly, he doesn't check with me about things or he has to check absolutely every tiny thing but forgets important things or he arranges things that are a pain in the arse even when I have explained they would be a pain in the arse. I organise our lives basically...
Like today he was working from home so he could take the car to be MOT'd which he had arranged and planned all on his own because I have nothing to do with the car, he'd told me in advance what was happening. He took the big ones to school on the way to drop off the car. At lunchtime I asked him when he had to pick up the car (this was around 1.45) and he said later on this afternoon because the mechanic was waiting for some parts so I said "ok, I have to go and pick up my medication because I have run out and get some extra food to make sure there are meals for the weekend so I will get the big ones in my bike but would have to come home via dr's and supermarket so I'm going to be gone for longer than just going to school if that's ok with you to be here while the babies sleep?"
I have to leave for school about 2.55. I was putting my trainers on at 2.38 and the babies were still asleep and he comes in saying he has arranged to pick up the car at 3.30.
So I said "whhhhaaaaat? So you are wanting me to wake the babies up, clean their bottoms and get them into the bike by 2.55 and it is now 2.38 and you are telling me this now?!"
He said "oh were you expecting me to go for the big ones?" I was like "no! I was expecting to be able to leave the babies sleeping while I picked up the big ones in the bike and got my stuff but even the conversation that we had aside if you arrange to pick the car up at 3.30 for no particular reason that means you were intending not to mind the babies or pick the big ones up and you were expecting me to cart all four round everywhere by bike entirely unnecessarily?"
He said "oh... Well I can get the car now if you want, it is done" so I had to say "well will you be back by 2.55 if you want me to get the big ones?" He said "probably not". So I said "well can you not get the big ones and I'll take the babies to get the medicine and the food when they wake up which will probably be while you are gone? "And he said "yes..."
He makes everything so much more difficult and less organised if I leave him to sort it out so I just take it over and sort it out because it really is essential we are organised as a family of 6.
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Have talked. At him.
he said he thinks he just thinks when bikertwat is like this it is so ridiculous that he can't possibly mean it and it must be a joke. He says some of his other friends joke similarly and he does feel uncomfortable but thinks they can't really mean it because it is ridiculous. 
I said do you think what you really mean is you don't like confrontation and you do that laughing along in order to avoid finding out if they actually mean it or not.
He laughed and said probably.
I asked if he was aware this thing was much more serious than just crudeness and that it was abusive and illegal and that you would have to be totally and utterly bereft of any kind of respect for women or other people to actually genuinely find that photo funny and not absolutely offensive given that it had been used to absolutely ruin this woman's life, which is of a completely different level of significance to a bit of crudeness or perviness.
He did seem embarrassed which means he hadn't thought about it but he can see what I mean.
He said he tried to join in with saying it wasn't on (which was true) but made out he was helpless in the face of it being thrust in his face. So I said no, you can't say that when what you actually said was "he he he, I didn't say that!" And that response gives me the impression that either you are giving me the impression you respect women when you don't to please me or you feel unable to express to your friends when they do something that crosses the line and that both those things make me feel afraid and that in that situation it was fairly pointless me shouting at bikertwat any more because he would have just taken it as "oh he's under offred's thumb I'll wait till she's not around next time"
He said maybe he should have shouted at him.
I said I don't think you are confrontational like that and I doubt you ever will be, I am the shouter. I think you need to find the way for you to assert yourself in a meaningful way rather in defence of me being pissed off.
I said it concerned me that he squashed all his feelings and that he didn't even talk to his friends nevermind his wife about his feelings.
He says he is afraid of letting his feelings out and what happens to them when they are out and he used to write to get them out but he feels like he needs to go off on his own to be able to write because he feels like he can't do anything else when he is looking after the children.
I said well we have four of them and that isn't a realistic possibility and you will have to find ways to be able to do things like writing while the children are around because they aren't going away any time soon. I suggested he try writing poems he said he isn't good at that so I said practice, he could maybe write feelings poems for the children which would also help them understand why he was grumpy when he was etc...
I said I think he has learned to be invisible to cope with his parents but that puts a pressure on me to cater for his needs without him talking about them and I don't want to have to guess.
He said yes he sees that.
Sigh and now I have had the day from absolute hell and actually just want to punch anyone who comes near me but children seem happy for the first time in two weeks at least!
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