my wife of 28 years admitted she no longer fancies me

[Pandrm]

Hi. Just feel the need to share. Not sure if it will make me feel better of worse. My wife and I have had a lack lustre sex life for many years but last Tuesday I suggested to her that her reason for not wanting sex with me might be simple- that she just doesnt fancy me. She verbally stomach punched me when she said yes I think thats true to some degree. I have felt like the wind has gone out of my sails since then. I love her and have always fancied her and despite many many chats she has never admitted that before. I am so lost its hard to function. Phil

I agree with Offred. Too many parents want it both ways. At 20 he is eligible for paying council tax therefore he is an adult not a child.
And the "my house my rules" spiel can often turn around and bite you on the bum if/when you move in with your adult children later in life when you need care!

"my house my rules"

I don't mean that in a dastardly way but it is our house dammit, and we worked hard for it and neither of was doing what the OP describes his son doing at the age of 20. I didn't get on brilliantly with my parents but I didn't use them and treat their house with disrespect at that age either. The point I'm making is that if my adult children happen to be at home for whatever reason, there are behaviours I expect (and not unreasonable expectations either) and behaviours I won't tolerate.

Feckbox I know plenty of women like that too... typically though, they're very happy with their lives. It's a tall order to fancy the same person over such a long period of time and I'd say the statistic of people who aren't bothered one way or the other is huge.

I think it's not only perfectly normal for both men and women in very secure, long-lasting relationships to get sexually excited by their partners less and less - but inevitable - if the relationship lasts long enough. I don't see why there should be any problem with this. Yes, mismatched libidos can be a problem. I suspect a rather larger problem is people can't be satisfied with the amount of shagging they get and hence make themselves more miserable than they need to be.

Pandrm it sounds to me like your wife still loves you. From what you say I don't see any basis for saying that your wife has "checked out" of the relationship emotionally. It sounds to me that she knows you'll always be there for her. The sad truth is that - as many women know - and for that matter, most employees - quiet, loyal dependability often merely gets taken for granted.

You love your wife - sounds like she loves you - you are proud of the length of your relationship (a better thing to be proud of than the length of one's penis, methinks) - there's nothing wrong in accepting that we live in an imperfect world and concentrating on the good in it.

You should really take the p*ss out of her for reading Fifty Shades though. Some things aren't to be tolerated.

By the way - you say that you do various things to alleviate the pressure on your wife - what are those things and what will happen if you stop doing them? Serious question.

On reflection, I find the fact that she's reading Fifty Shades interesting: it suggests to me that she has some sort of sex life going on, but she's keeping it in her head.

I suggest that you buy yourself a pornographic magazine. Next time she gets out Fifty Shades, you get out the porno mag. Fair's fair and all that.

.. and read it in front of her.

Nice thoughts toadinthehole. The truth is I bought the shades trilogy for her after it being talked about at work. I think she hs been surprised by how much she has enjoyed them. Apparently they are quite graphic. The things I do to alleviate pressure? I guess those things that lots of women complain there husbands don't do. Your point about the quiet hard worker often being overlooked is vry valid. In fact one of the things that I think has made be fairly successful in my job has been just that! I look for people with those traits and reward them not the loud chatter boxes who just talk the talk. Tanks for your thoughts.

Given your last remarks I apologise and withdraw my previous comments regarding Fifty Shades of Grey.

What sort of pressure is your wife under? Does she have a job of her own? What does she do?

Yes she has a full time job which she does find quite stressful and I am sure that plays a part in her having low libido but nothing to do with not fancying me anymore.

Anyway folks I think I've wasted enough of your time and I want to thank you for your words (even the not so complimentary ones). A week after the event and I cannot see a way forward. I think I'll probably just put up with it and accept my role as house eunuch lol. Best wishes.

Not sure if this has already been suggested, but have you considered sprucing yourself up a bit? A decent haircut, a visit to the dental hygienist, a few new items of clothing? It all helps.

Pandrm - I'm going to write what I am sure a lot of others have written (I skimmed others' posts, read yours):

Do. Something. Different.

Talk to your wife. Take that risk. Break the habit of a lifetime. Confront her and confront your issues around sex. It is the only way. If you can't do this, try psychosexual counselling. And if your wife won't go, go by yourself.

You have an opportunity here to do what you have never dared before. Dare.

Jeez, Pandrm, sounds like you're giving up fixing to die. You're going be a long time dead and there's no need whatsoever to begin the process prematurely.

Life is for living, honey, and you've got no excuse for not living it to the full.

Take up salsa dancing, book a break to Cuba, take a trip in a hot air balloon, drive a racing car around Brands Hatch; resolve to do something different every month or with every change of season.

Start racking up new experiences that will stimulate your mind and rekindle your zest for life and, who knows, some of your new found joie de vivre may rub off on your dw and/or give you the impetus to deal with your ungracious ds man to man instead of meekly allowing him to crap all over you.

If talking about the whole sex issue is just a bit too scary, would you at least do this:

Have the few glasses of wine. Ask her "What would you like to do in the next ten years?" While you are still young and fit enough that anything is a possibility, your kids are grown but you don't need to worry about helping out with grand kids or whatever.

This is an exciting time. You will not get it back, not a single day. Ask her what she'd like to do that's different. Ask YOURSELF that.

Nudge yourselves out of the rut.

Your kids are GROWN UP now. Even your youngest. They don't need you any more the way they did. You have to build a different life.

Hi all. Well here is an update. I took on board what you guys said and I tried to open up honest and frank discussions. Honestly it was like talking to a brick wall. Yesterday she was grumpy with me because" I woke hr too early". In fact she woke first but I made the awful mistake of putting my arm around her. Each time I tried to talk she responded with a comment that sounded like it was from another conversation. Before anyone else suggests sprucing myself up I should say that I have a professional job, wear an expensive suit to work, nice aftershave etc. I don't think there's a solution here

? Er... Ok.... Don't think anyone was going to say that but anyway...

Why are you angry with us?

Communication is a basic expectation in a marriage, if you can't communicate your marriage is pretty much over isn't it?

Do you want anything to happen? Or are you willing to remain in what sounds like a pretty loveless, dysfunctional situation until you die?

And your son taking advantage of you IS dysfunctional. Please don't give me that shit about him "not taking your advice". Parents (hell, PEOPLE) set limits. And you're just not bothering, just for an easy, crap life.

If your wife isn't willing even to TALK to you, what sort of a relationship do you have? I would start considering the possibility of leaving.

I'm guessing that if you walk, she'll talk. Why not pack a case and check into a hotel for a week or two or go stay with family/friends and leave your noncommunicative dw and self-entitled ds to fend for themselves?

Yes agree with all, actions speak louder.... You now know that nobody in your family wants the status quo to change so decide to do something about it yourself, whatever form that may take...

.... or of course accept that things won't change and do nothing. The choice is yours whether you want to be a passive or an active participant in your own life.