my wife of 28 years admitted she no longer fancies me

[Pandrm]

Hi. Just feel the need to share. Not sure if it will make me feel better of worse. My wife and I have had a lack lustre sex life for many years but last Tuesday I suggested to her that her reason for not wanting sex with me might be simple- that she just doesnt fancy me. She verbally stomach punched me when she said yes I think thats true to some degree. I have felt like the wind has gone out of my sails since then. I love her and have always fancied her and despite many many chats she has never admitted that before. I am so lost its hard to function. Phil

I doubt it is all as simple as she doesnt fancy you.

You say you have had a lacklustre sex life for many years?
Would you be a little more specific, as it can vary between couples. For instance are you talking once a month, once every six months?

And when did it get to that stage? Did something happen back then to get to that stage?

She sounds a bit bored to me. What is she like with the children, her parents, her friends etc?

In that case be prepared to be surprised as the way blueberry felt about her h is not uncommon and it may well be that, when she looks at you, your dw sees a ball and chain rather than the adoring and respectful dh you see in the mirror.

As your dw has said it may only be true 'to some degree' that she doesn't fancy you, it seems to me you now need to have a full and frank discussion with her to explore other potential causes/reasons why your sexual relationship is lack lustre and what, if anything, can be done to bring back the shine.

good thoughts folks. thank you. in answr to how often about once every six weeks or so, two months since last time

Pandrm although this is very hurtful for you, I think you should try not to allow it to convince you that you're not (objectively) an attractive, fanciable person. To some extent, what she's actually saying is that after 28 years of having sex with the same person, she's not that up for it any more, which is a little bit different in my opinion, to saying that she finds you repulsive or a sexual turnoff, for example (which she didn't say). Long-term relationships have that effect on some people, possibly women moreso, though I've no statistics to back that up. There are plenty of people who keep going through the motions quite happily until none of it is an issue any more.

She doesn't seem like an unreasonable person. Nobody can make her want to have more sexual desire for you and possibly, there's nothing that you're doing wrong. Yes of course you can talk in more detail but I'm doubtful that would change the situation.

So really your options are to put up with it, to leave after giving a deadline for things to change, or to have an affair on the quiet. Not great options but if your DW is happily tipping along after telling you that, it doesn't tell me there's much willingness there to change the status quo.

I am assuming you havent had an affair in the past?

I am slightly reading between the lines, but has she ever said you are a bit emotionally suffocating/full on? For instance how many texts do you regularly send her, either now or in the past.

You didnt answer 2 of my previous questions, not that you have to.

And finally you say you have long standing issues. Yes indeed, they probably need talking through.

Yes I also did wonder with the texts etc if you aren't a bit pushy?

I think many women find over-eagerness and constant blind adoration a turn-off, however irrational that may be to some. Maybe her fantasies of other men were based on someone less available or more of a challenge. She obviously values all you do (inculding a lot of housework) but can it be that she doesn't see you as masculine enough due to all the running around her? all the texts and trying to please all the time. I know some people hate John Grey and his 'Mars and Venus' books but they are useful to read to understand subtleties of female sexuality (though I'm sure it doesn't apply to ALL women), it's something to read if you are stuck and puzzled at least.

If you were to cool it a bit (not as a gesture with your texting so that she notices and quickly responds) but really just chilled a bit, and found some new interests to be enthusiastic about, she may look at you in a different light? (without becoming mean of course, as in treat them mean keep them keen, but just go into a slightly indifferent mode).

Look, just sit down with her, ask her a few questions and listen to what she says. Tell her how hurt you have felt since she told you she didn't fancy you any more. Try to find out what's behind this statement and ask her where she wants to go from here. The decide based on what she says, what you want from the future.

Don't make any assumptions about what women in 28 year relationships feel like and although I'm sure the poster means well, please don't go anywhere near a John Gray book. Some of the responses here don't reflect my views for example - and I am a woman in an even longer relationship. Your wife is an individual and the problems you're having, are individual to your particular relationship.

Communication is key here, but listening is crucial. I get the sense that if your wife was posting, what she would say would surprise and shock you. She needs to give you some proper honesty - not just drop a bombshell and expect you to live with that and carry on life as normal.

Then decide...

I agree with Charbon that you have to TALK to your wife OP, my suggestions were not 'instead of talking', but I fear that your wife might not be honest about her reasons fyrither iff you say how hurt you were - as more unpleasant things may follow. You should try of course nevetherless!

As to John Gray, maybe OP can make his own conclusions whether it's helpful after reading a few chapters? telling him not to read it may actually make him want to do it more, Charbon, and if he doesn't agree with the book, then fair enough. But I know that it does help many people, even though it's not an easy reading.

Thank you Hellothere no. I think you have summed up how my wife probably feels and your right she does say that it's her not me necessarily. That said its hard to Maine others would think me attractive when my own wife doesn't seem to very much. Text? A couple of texts a day maybe sometimes none.
Amillionyears no neither of us have had anyone else in our whole lives, I'm quite proud of that actually though it isn't that common. To answer your other questions we have sex about once every six weeks or so and it's been that way for many years really though interestingly my wife thinks we have it much more often! She is a great mum to our kids who are almost now grown. Not sure she is bored more content I think.
All change yes I've read John grays books on mars and Venus. I hope I haven't given everyone the impression I am a complete whimp. I am simply a doer. I get things done and over then I forget about it. Some people take longer thinking about doing things than they do actually doing it. I am not an alpha male for sure but I don't think I'm close to omega either if that makes sense. However your comments about distance are interesting. A couple of years ago I was playing in a music duo at weekends so away a bit more, other interests,etc. sadly it didn't make a difference. It seems that when I give distance she just allows me to. Am I pushy? Maybe. Should I expect more reciprocal interest? Maybe. In 28 years she has never once initiated sex and very very rarely touches me without me touching her first.
I don't want this to sound her fault. You are only getting my side.

I am wondering if she might not fancy anyone very much. Actually that sounds a bit harsh now I have written it.

What was her childhood like?
Are or were her parents very affectionate?

Thank you Hellothere no. I think you have summed up how my wife probably feels and your right she does say that it's her not me necessarily. That said its hard to Maine others would think me attractive when my own wife doesn't seem to very much. Text? A couple of texts a day maybe sometimes none.
Amillionyears no neither of us have had anyone else in our whole lives, I'm quite proud of that actually though it isn't that common. To answer your other questions we have sex about once every six weeks or so and it's been that way for many years really though interestingly my wife thinks we have it much more often! She is a great mum to our kids who are almost now grown. Not sure she is bored more content I think.
All change yes I've read John grays books on mars and Venus. I hope I haven't given everyone the impression I am a complete whimp. I am simply a doer. I get things done and over then I forget about it. Some people take longer thinking about doing things than they do actually doing it. I am not an alpha male for sure but I don't think I'm close to omega either if that makes sense. However your comments about distance are interesting. A couple of years ago I was playing in a music duo at weekends so away a bit more, other interests,etc. sadly it didn't make a difference. It seems that when I give distance she just allows me to. Am I pushy? Maybe. Should I expect more reciprocal interest? Maybe. In 28 years she has never once initiated sex and very very rarely touches me without me touching her first.
I don't want this to sound her fault. You are only getting my side.

Right, sometimes I feel like I don't fancy my Dh. In fact most of the time. We haven't had sex for over a year. He is good looking and keeps himself in very good shape.

The reason I don't fancy him? Because he doesn't bother with me. He takes no interest in me, he works all week long hours and at weekends is out with his friends. We have a dd and in the past nine years I think he's come out with us on a family day out twice. The rest of the time it's just me and dd.

His lack of participation in family life and his lack of involvement in our relationship as a couple to me is a big turn off.

I'm not saying this is what is going on with your wife and certainly not to such an extent. But I think for women, if they feel undervalued, neglected, etc then it can be a big turn off.

haha Op at your 'omega' comment! It's great that you are not a whimp, thanks for clarifying. If she never initiated even touching in 28yrs then maybe she just generally have a very low libido. It COULD be that she doesn't fancy you but if she was madly fancying others, she would have acted on it imo, at some point. She may indeed be interested in having family life and not that bothered about sex.
Or maybe the dynamic was always wrong though, and you being more distant two yrs ago would a too little too late.

Viva with respect i think it's the oter way round in OP's case.

Could be. The OP really needs to talk to his wife and ask her. It's the only way he will know, we could be here all night thinking p possible explanations.

Listen folks I am overwhelmed by your input and I want to thank you all very much. No idea if I will make any progress but it was fantastic to hear your words of support, advice and yes the occasional butt kick lol
I'm now off to bed. My wife is downstairs watching tv and I will yet again wake early, leave the bed, make her a cuppa and take the dog for a walk. What a great life ! Better than lots I guess.

That's your choice.

Another would have been to ask to turn the TV off and have a discussion. You don't have to be a martyr here. You can take control of your life if you choose to.

I agree Charbon but Ive tried on several occasions today to open up a discussion and each time she has closed it down and/or someone has come into the room. A point made earlier is aso another reason not to have the discussion at that time of night - too much wine and gets me in a grumby mood where I might say something I later regret.

OP, please do not take this as an insult, it is most definitely not meant to be, I promise you this, but....

You are a man, a male of the species, the caveman, the provider, so maybe, just a wild, left of field, thought here, but by doing most of the cooking, cleaning housework and working full time and all the other jobs around the house, and fantasising about bringing in other studs to assist, she sees you as being supine, so simply doesn't see you as being shaggable, and therefore emasculated? You state that once things get going, she gets really going, so it's not a physical problem is it?

Is she Dom? Are you Sub? Or is it the other way around? Does she want to be controlled? Maybe this is the discussion you might want to have

Hi cronullan. No neither of us are sub or Dom. If anything I would be the dominant one in a sexual situation but being controlled isn't her thing. That said she is reading the shades of grey trilogy at the moment. When asked she says she is neither sub nor Dom. I may have given the wrong impression about me doing all the work, we do share it but I simply meant I do my part. However there is some truth in what you say. Our twenty year old son takes advantage and disrespects us in his behaviours and use of our house - he treats it like a bachelor pad. My wife sees him run roughshod over us /me but short of kicking him out there is nothing I can do. That action would have long term consequences for our family so I avoid it. I am sure these other things play a part in our relationship breakdown but not responsible for it all

So your wife has never had a high libido and your adult son is at home - that could be quite restraining in terms of both having couple time to talk frankly, relaxing and having the privacy to have a sex life. I say again, go out and have some fun together or get away. At least you will be able to have the time and space without interruptions to listen to each other.

It seems there's quite a lot you're not facing up to, Pandrm.

Unless she's prevailed on him to show mercy, weakness in the male of the species can often be seen as a turn off by the female.

The young lion is attempting to become the king of the jungle dominant male of the pride? If he doesn't want to be completely supplanted by the young upstart it's time for the old male to reassert himself - and if that means sending the cub away to mark his territory elsewhere, so be it.

I can see what you mean. Its a tough decision to throw one's son out of the house though.