Am I just being needy?

[belindarose]

If you were ill, would you expect your DH to say/ do anything? We are both utterly exhausted (EBF 4 month old and a toddler), so I know he feels crap too.

But I've got terrible stomach pains and now d&v. I went to bed at 7pm last night. I got up 7 times to the baby. DH went to work at 6.15 (working further away today - it's usually 8.15). Didn't ask how I was feeling, hasn't texted or anything, knowing I have the two children to look after.

If he asked me what I wanted him to say or do (which he would if I mentioned this), I wouldn't know. I knew he couldn't stay off work. I don't know what kinds of things people say or do to be kind to each other anymore.

I think you are just both knackered by the sounds of it. Were you asleep when he went to work or have you spoken at all this morning?

If he is at work, then he may be too busy to have called or texted, and there isnt much he could do.

If he is generally supportive, then I wouldnt get too worked up by just one incident like this.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sadly, it's not just one incident like this. Thanks though.

I think you could reasonably expect him to ask how you are and whether he can do anything. When he's home he could bring you the baby instead of you getting up, get you pills/hot water bottle/cup of tea.

Take it easy today, just let yourself recover a bit and don't push yourself into doing anything but what you have to for the dc. Hope you feel better soon.

It's incredibly sad that you don't know what constitutes being kind to each other . 'How are you feeling?' is a pretty basic start point. 'Would you like me to take the day off?'... even if the answer is 'no', it's nice to be offered. He could offer to get up with the baby in the night, take the toddler off your hands, bring you a cup of tea in the morning, phone/text to ask if there's something he can get you at the chemist, offer to call the doctor, make chicken soup.... the list is endless.

It's not being needy to expect your husband - who promised to love and cherish you 'in sickness and in health' I believe - to show a bit of concern when you're not well. A stranger in the street would be able to manage it.

I know, cogito. I was being generous. I do know exactly what I would do to be kind, and always am. It's just not returned. It's days like this when it hits home the most. When I'm fine, I just cope with it by thinking that's just the way he is. But sometimes I just need a bit more.

What does he say if you ask for more support, emotionally and/or practically?

Why tolerate an unkind man?

He sort of turns it round, or ignores it. I said the other day how I felt I had spent all week tidying up and the house still looked a mess. He said 'well think how bad it would look if you hadn't spent that time doing it'.

I had a mini strop at the weekend (unheard of for me) and asked him to do something to help me and to turn off his 'fucking game' (computer). He'd done breakfast with the older one while I'd had a lie in (feeding the baby actually). Seemed like this was it for the day. I'd washed, dressed them etc, tidied the kitchen and dd was being infuriating (bored, probably). Anyway, he ignored me and carried on playing.

See, I sound like an unhinged whiney nag.

Cogito, I don't know if he is unkind. I don't want to hurt him.

I can't tell if he's being unkind from your description but you don't sound like people that get on particularly well or make each other happy. I find that I get 'unhinged, whiney and naggy' when talking to a brick wall as well...

No you don't sound like an unhinged whiny nag. Is that what he tells you you are? You sound like someone who has an useless DP. He is unkind - you've said yourself he doesn't return your kindness. He's escaping into his computer games to get away from the hard work of the DC's and leaving you to it.

You don't sound like a whiny nag. What you were asking for was not unreasonable. Do you get to sit on your arse ignoring everything around you after performing one household chore?

He's never said it. He wouldn't say anything unkind.

I'm too tired and ill to think straight really. Just feeling sorry for myself. It's my birthday at the weekend and dd is excited about it, but he won't have helped her make a card or find a present. I still expect too much of him (after 12 years) so end up permanently disappointed. My mum is coming tomorrow to stay a few days. I need to fetch dd from preschool now. Thanks.

Two things. Perhaps he was trying not to disturb you when he went off? And yes, you 'have the two children to look after', but equally he's out there working.

You say 'I had spent all week tidying up and the house still looked a mess. He said 'well think how bad it would look if you hadn't spent that time doing it'.' I can't see what's wrong with that . It would have looked worse if you hadn't been taming it. In fact, I might even say that to someone, hoping to make them feel better.

Here's a suggestion..... if expecting things to happen leads to chronic disappointment have you tried flagging up what you'd like to happen instead? I know the ideal is for people not to need prompts or reminders but sometimes a bit of staff management and advance notice saves a lot of heart-ache. Have you mentioned that DD will need him to get you a card and present for your birthday for example?

Could you prime dd to ask dh about a card and present?

And belinda, I hope you feel better soon. The early baby stages are hard enough without being ill on top.

He sounds like a lazy, sexist arsehole to me. Unfortunately quite a lot of men consider that only men are human, and women are 'women', which equals a cross between a pet and a household appliance. Therefore childcare and domestic work are your natural function, you have no needs and you exist for his convenience, which is why he has no interest in how you are feeling and feels entitled to play games and do whatever he likes when he is at home.

Well, two comments really.

I have an ongoing "discussion" with DP re. disappointment and my "expectations", as he says that if I am expecting him to behave a certain way, I should let him know what that expectation is - if I don't, I may be disappointed. I have learnt, as Cogito suggests, to spell out sometimes what I am expecting, or would wish for in a reaction from him. Yes, the ideal is for him to "just know", but that doesn't always happen, and he can't read my mind! I would definitely plant seeds re the birthday at the weekend. I did this last year, and had a brilliant time - but DP wouldn't necessarily think of this himself, because to him, on his birthday, it wouldn't matter, and he wouldn't realise that it DID matter to me.

However, if you have d&v, a toddler and a baby to look after, I wouldn't have thought it would be too much to expect him to appear to care. I would have expected him to get up in the night for the baby - if nothing else, so that the baby doesn't catch d&v. Despite the above discussions I've had with my DP re expectations, once I told him this morning that I was feeling queasy and a bit sick, and hope I don't have a bug coming, he has text twice to ask if I'm ok, and has offered to do the shopping after supper tonight, to save me going out feeling crappy. That's just human kindness I think, and shows he cares.