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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Social Services - any experience???? Help!!

61 replies

verysadmum · 06/01/2004 18:02

As you may know social services are finally coming to me tomorrow about ds (and about me too). For those that don't know my h has physically & mentally hurt myself and my ds (although to a lesser degree).

I am actually really quite terrified about it. They have the potential to take away ds, don't they? My house is still quite a mess (have minimised) so they will only have to look about a bit to see I'm not coping very well..

They are also going to want to know the details that I haven't really shared with anyone...

What do you think they'll ask? and want to know? will it 1 person?... sorry.

Has anyone else had any experience of them? or even better still, does anyone work for them? Help!!

OP posts:
Festivefly · 06/01/2004 18:07

They don't generally take kids off mothers who have done nothing wrong!!!!!!!!! I think they will be talking about him and what you are going to do. They certainly don't take kids away for not tidying your house. They will be supportive and help you in any way they can. Keep saying to yourself you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Good luck with it, we will be thinking of you

fio2 · 06/01/2004 18:13

vsm they wont take him off you! I know why you are worried though, my dd has special needs and we have to have alot of people come to the house, physio, SALT, portage worker and now genetic nurse. I am always SO paranoid they are going to say I am not caring for her properly - its mad isnt it? I saw a programme once where SS called to the house because they thought the mum wasnt looking after the kids properly. Her house was a tip and i mean a tip - floor to ceiling rubbish and junk with just a walkway through the rooms. They didnt take her kids off her, just gave her a warning to get her act together. I know1 this is NOT you, I am just trying to reassure you that they will try and help you.

zebra · 06/01/2004 18:15

They'll be extremely reluctant to take your DS away -- think about, it just adds to their case load! Unless there was strong signs of risk to your son staying in the home... so I wouldn't worry. Just see it as motivation for doing the housework you've been meaning to catch up on, anyway. (We only seem to clean house when someone is coming to look to buy it, or relatives are coming to visit!)

fio2 · 06/01/2004 18:16

lol zebra - you sound like me!

WideWebWitch · 06/01/2004 18:20

vsm, good luck for tomorrow. Echo the others: you've done NOTHING wrong, please remember that and I too feel sure they won't take your son away - for a start YOU removed him from danger. If you're worried (and I do know how scary it is, really) can you get someone you trust to be there with you? A friend or relative? You've been through an awful time and you're doing brilliantly, no-one's expecting you to be over it, unaffected and Mrs Beeton with a house in apple pie order. Most of us don't have immaculate houses I'm sure, even without having gone through what you've been through. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help won't you?

Lou33 · 06/01/2004 18:40

Vsm, they won't take your kids away, they are coming to try and help you. I think the onus is on trying to keep families together. Call your friend and see if she can come and support you, or failing that , call someone afterwards, or post here. Just believe that you are a good person doing the right thing.

2PacketsofMaltesers · 06/01/2004 18:53

Do you want me to come round and tidy your house tomorrow?

fisil · 06/01/2004 19:11

I know people who work for them. It really saddens them that they have such a scary image, because they are there to help. They are people who train for years and then work for little money with very limited resources. So on the whole they are people who are very committed to helping and very caring (although often a little hassled!). And you are almost certain to only get one (arriving late) because they are so pressured!

My advice would be to treat him/her as a bit of a guardian angel and try to get as much out of the relationship as possible. (does that make sense?)

BTW, in your position I'd be feeling scared too - it's easy to say it from here! So good luck.

LadyP · 06/01/2004 19:18

Agree with everything Lou33 and fisil have said.

Good luck for tomorrow and they will not remove your children. The threat is your H not you.

They have social workers who are specially trained to talk to children who have suffered any kind of abuse(I assume they are from the Child Protection Unit)so they should treat you and your son with the utmost respect.

HTH and good luck again

aloha · 06/01/2004 19:21

Now, VSM, stop being silly! Of course nobody's going to take your children away. Why on earth would they? If they started taking much loved, happy and cared for children into care because their homes were untidy, well, there would be precious few children at home! Remember, YOU never hurt your son and actually got injured trying to protect him from the man that you are now desperately trying to keep away from your house. I understand totally that you are worried and afraid, but logically, if we were talking about someone else would you think they were at risk? Of course not Believe me, social workers do not spend all their working lives visiting show homes. Provided you don't have 100 cats pooing all over the house, an infestation of rats the size of dogs that are savaging the children and a collection of rotting rubbish salvaged from other people's bins I'd say you were pretty safe Tell them as much as you can bear to. They will be immensely sympathetic - why on earth wouldn't they? And they may well be able to offer you practical and emotional help. Remember, you are the victim here, not the violent one. And you have taken the immensely brave step of throwing out a violent husband and father in order to protect your child. That's what they should see, not a messy house. My house if particularly messy ATM and I don't think it's a sign than I'm not coping with anything, just that I'm messy and right now can't be arsed to do anything much about it.
Please be honest with them. You've done nothing wrong. Good luck with tommorrow. Now, turn off your computer, have a nice hot bath, and read something soothing/watch some rubbish on the telly and hopefully go to sleep.

motherinferior · 06/01/2004 19:24

VSM, please please please don't think they will take ds away. They are coming because he and you are in physical danger. And I promise anything you tell them won't shock them either. Your house isn't an issue at all; in fact I bet your social worker's house will be in a much worse state, honestly.

aloha · 06/01/2004 19:38

I bet MI is absolutely spot on about the social workers' houses!

sobernow · 06/01/2004 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slink · 06/01/2004 19:45

VSM i used to work for Social Services. They will not take your son away, why it's not you causing him any harm, as for your house that means nothing, one persons mess is not necessary anothers. They try and keep families together (you and your son) contary to what people belive (and coz of paper work)

Good luck let us know whats happened xxxxxxxxmuch love

motherinferior · 06/01/2004 19:47

PS I bet your husband is even more worried than you

fio2 · 06/01/2004 21:07

i dont want to be alarmist but WHO was the chocolate person? (dh?, sorry if i am being suspicious..it may be a regular mumsnetter! - we have gone troll mad!!)

2PacketsofMaltesers · 06/01/2004 21:50

It's OK, I'm not a troll and VSM knows who I am so don't worry.

Original poster
verysadmum · 06/01/2004 23:34

Thank you all, you have reassured me a bit with regards to my ds, it's just that sometimes I feel that someone else could do more for him. He and his sister really are my world - I just don't want to lose them.

I have really cleaned the lounge tonight (even cleaned the curtains!) so that's just about ok, honestly though the rest of the house is just terrible - by anyone's standards..

Slink - do you know whether it will be one person or more? I'm presuming they'll be female?

I'm still incredibly nervous and whilst I'm sure they are very nice people - I'm still going to have to tell them details and things, and I have no idea what they'll say to do..

Thank you all soooo much again, Me xxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 07/01/2004 13:13

btw 2packetsofmaltesers isn't a troll! She's a friend who is another MNeter who's coming over after they've gone.. but thank you for your concern none the less.

They'll be here in under 3 hrs.....

OP posts:
Mo2 · 07/01/2004 13:28

VSM - please don't worry ... as everyone has said SS are coming to help you not to judge you.

There's lots of good advice on here already - try to get the most out of this valuable time with them, and don't be worried about getting upset when they ask questions... this is what they are trained to deal with every day of their lives.

Glad to hear someone is coming over afterwards. Let us know how it goes...

Thinking of you.

Mo2

JJ · 07/01/2004 13:29

Thinking of you this afternoon, VSM. Positive thoughts are beaming your way from Switzerland (give them a minute or two to arrive....)

JJ

Roscoe · 07/01/2004 13:32

Best of luck for this evening, VSM. XXX

Loobie · 07/01/2004 13:35

VSM dont know if you ae still about or are frantically arranging for your visit.I have twice had dealings with social services myself. tHE FIRST TIME WAS WHEN my ds1 was about 3 and ds2 was jsut over a year,i suffered from quite severe PND and was close to suicidal,my h.v got in contact with the social services and they arranged respite care for my boys two days a week for 5 hours each time,the alternative for me was to be admitted to the physciatric ward at our hospital.My partner at the time(their dad) took them to the carers house and the kids were brought home to me in a taxi with a chaperone all provided by ss.My second dealings with them were this time last year when ds1 was having huge problems at school(he has autism,they were being dreadful and walking all over me, i didnt know what to do so phoned the SS myself and asked for a social worker,i got one from te family support team and one from the intensive support team allocated for emergency situations.They basically kicked a**e at school and the school have been wonderful ever since.

What im trying to say is really hunny dont worry the're goal is to keep familys together by all means possible not take them apart.Take care and hang on in there,let us know how you get on.{{{{{{hugs for VSM{}}}}}}}}}}}}

LIZS · 07/01/2004 13:35

vsm,

good luck to you and ds

Batters · 07/01/2004 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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