DS' half brother has been taken into care

[BertieBotts]

Permanently, this time. XP is no longer with the mother and when contacted, said he wouldn't have the children :( Due to her previous behaviour, it's not likely to be an open type adoption, XMIL was told by a case worker that it's likely they will make sure the DCs are geographically far enough away that it's difficult for her to make contact.

DS doesn't have a relationship with him and I don't think he is even aware that he exists, although he met him, he was very young at the time. It's just sad that he'll have a brother somewhere in the world that he probably won't ever be able to get in touch with.

That is sad, but probably best for the boy. You can contact the adoption team and leave your details for the new parents, perhaps suggest yearly photo swaps, his adopters will probably want to have the option of letting the boy know about his birth family in the future.

Totally spot on advice from Erik. Please do it. It is :(

FWIW my friends sister adopted a little boy as a baby with 4th degree foetal alcohol syndrome and aspergers; the birth mother is now dead, an alcoholic drug addict. There are 6 other siblings also adopted or in care.

Part of that adoption process is that he has to see his siblings.

Wrong IMHO. You've given a child a new chance to a new life - he shouldnt have to deal with his past at such a young age. Give him the information later, but he doesn't cope well with any change, let alone 6 siblings he has nothing in common with, who have on occassion turned up unannounced at his home when they have run away from care.

I think it's a big flaw in the adoption system. Adoption should be a fresh, clean start. A chance to put all that baggage behind you.

Did your relationship break up over this queen? How did P get involved with this?

I disagree Ophelia. It's really important to know why you are and what your history is. It may be hard. In cases of adoption it very often is hard but it's better to know and have to work through hard things than not know at all.

OP - I agree. Give your details to the adoption team.

I was adopted years ago when all contact with birth amily was stopped. I now know my half brother and we get on great but we both wish we had the chance to know each other earlier.
I think leaving your details with the adopted parents is definatly the way to go

It's a good thing that post adoption policy is based on empirical research on what is best for the child, not ophelia's humble opinion...

The 'fresh start' theory used to be in place, with disastrous outcomes for adoptees. It is absolutely the wrong course of action in the majority of cases.

So agree with you Erik..

What a young mind "makes up" about the circumstances surrounding their birth and family can twist and warp their mind. Made me very wary about relationships, always looking at people to see if they looked like me etc.
Was ultimately held responsible for my severe PND (so psychologist and psychiatrist tell me).

I think it's really sad that the child's father wouldn't have him. Why wouldn't he?

No she had nothing to do with the break up. XP was emotionally abusive towards me, that's why I left. They got together 3 months later and she was pregnant within a week. XP is just like that - he jumps straight in and then wonders why it comes crashing down around him not too long later. By all accounts, their relationship was a total mess and far beyond what I experienced being with him. TBH I still haven't forgiven him for the fact that he was taking DS to meet his new girlfriend who had a DC in foster care without even asking why her child wasn't with her. He says it was none of his business - I disagree when it concerns the safety of his own child, but anyway.

I've never actually met the little boy. DS hasn't seen his father in over a year, despite the fact that he lives nearby, and could easily make contact with me. DS and I still see XMIL and XFIL fairly regularly, they look after him at weekends when I work. XP has my contact details, their contact details and my mum's contact details, but he's not interested.

I'm not sure about leaving my details with the adoption team (how would I even do that, just phone up social services?) because although DS is a half brother, he isn't really his "birth family" IYSWIM? XMIL/FIL were asked if they could take on the DCs but they said no also, partly because of their age, and partly because XMIL felt that the mother of the children wouldn't/couldn't stay away if she was asked to, and it would be more disruptive that way. I don't know - maybe I'll phone and ask for advice. XMIL mentioned that DS existed when she spoke to them, but they haven't contacted us.

He reckons he has to work

Quite how he imagines I've coped for the last 3 years being a single parent (or, you know, the thousands of single parents who exist) is beyond me TBH!

I don't think he'd cope, anyway, so perhaps it was an excuse. Or perhaps his worldview is really that narrow that he, literally, believes he HAS to work and that childcare is wimmin's work (which seemed to be the way when we were together). Either way I think it's sad. He's basically written off any chance of seeing him again for the next 16 years, and after that only if he comes looking.

I would ring social services and ask for advice. Fwiw I suspect this lad may feel very let down by his dad - no matter how successful the adoption is. Knowing that at this point both his grandparents and you wanted to keep up the connection may make a big difference to him as an adult.

You could just call social services yes- they will have someone who deals with letterbox contact. I know it's a struggle to see your DS as this boy's family but it could be important for both of them not to entirely sever the ties.