Why are people so insensitive?

[emsiewill]

Just wanted to moan.....

Db and sil are home educating their daughter. Although it's not what I have chosen for my children, I have supported them all the way, and truly believe that it can be a really positive thing to do. In fact, if I was a better person (ie could bear to spend 24/7 with my kids), would consider it myself. SIL and I have had many conversations where I have expressed these views to her, so she is aware of my feelings.

Over the festive period, I asked her whether she was never tempted to send her dd to school, as it is a lovely church school (and they are active members of the church, my brother is a governor of the school) 2 minutes walk from their house. It was a a fairly light remark in the "imagine all that freedom" vein. I found her reply very insensitive. She said "oh no, the more I learn about schools, the less I want dd to go to one. They're like minature prisons for children. It's a subtle form of child abuse".

Maybe I'm being over sensitive, but can she really believe that I would send my children to a "minature prison" every day to be "subtly abused"? She can clearly see that my dds are happy, bright and well adjusted children, and as they spend a fair % of their time at school, surely they wouldn't be like that if it was so awful?

I'm really fed up with dealing with people who are not willing to take on board other people's opinions or just say nothing for the sake of good relations.

It's off my chest now. Thank you for listening.

Perhaps she has some doubts about HE and wonders what her children may (emphasise MAY, not getting at HE ) be missing out on. I'm always wary of people who are absolutely sure about everything.

I think the HE community often feels under attack (often to be fair they are), so maybe she misinterpreted your comments, and kind of lashed out iyswim. You could tell her that you were upset by her comments- depending on the sort of relaitonship you have I guess.

ccompletley agree. where do people get off telling other people what they can and cannot do? i was just this minute talking about this with my husband - i know what I consider to be god awful parents - but then who made me queen of parenting - people do things diferent ways - and unless they ask for my opinion ( or are a good good friend - and even then not always) i keep my gob shut and my opinions to myself.

every one else always think they are so superior to offer an opinion.

maybe your SIL was feeling a little inferiour and probably hears comments like your every day. even though you are usually suportive - or even * bevcuase you ARE so supportive - you got the shit end of the stick - what i am sying is - maybe she feels comfortable enough with you to be able to say the shitty comment she wanted to tell to the old bag walking down the street who commented on why her children were not at school!

see silver lining

now you feel so comfortable with each other as to make these comments you can ring her up and tell her where to get off

only kidding!

Agree. It sounds like she's giving you the answer she wanted to give to someone else who questioned her choice to home educate. Your question touched a sore nerve.

I hate parents making such sweeping statements too and it happens more than I'd expeced pre-children.

If you feel naughty, you could ask your SIL how exactly her dh, as a govenor of the said 'miniture prison' is helping to make conditions there better for the children.....

A friend of mine likened DS nursery to a Romanian Orphanage. Charming!

One of my neighbours lectured me for half an hour on evil mothers who went to work rather than devoting themselves as obsessively as she does to their little darlings (this is NOT a gibe at SAHMs, she honestly is obsessed). I know just how you feel...

That would have really got on my nerves!
I would be offended if I was you, she went way over the top, a prison, child abuse. I don't know how you kept your mouth shut.
I can't stand self righteous, pompous parents who refuse to see any other way except their own.
Like custardo said, What makes any of us Queen of parenting.
I personally don't agree with home ed but I can understand that some people do and I would never insult anyone by calling it child abuse!
Differnt strokes.

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Love your 'queen of parenting' expression custardo!

Oh, I've had the "your child is dumped in nursery" and the "Romanian/Chinese orphanage" type comments. Plus the "you never see your child" from the SAHM (not saying all SAHMs would say this - just this one, and I don't see her much any more).

If I'm feeling v. grumpy I'm tempted to say something like, "You said that out loud, you know". But otherwise, I just seethe and marvel at their lack of manners.

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have to say I agree with her on the miniprison front but then that's only because I didn't like/enjoy school but hoping it will be different for our children. Think she is very defensive of their choice and so very insensitive and "it's a subtle form of child abuse" remark shows just how defensive she is. Anyway, she must remember that eventually life after school eg work/social clubs could be considered as miniprisons if you want to look at life in that way!!

Twinkie:

What on earth did you say to her? "yes, I have fabulous legs, don't I? All the better for running when he chases me, nudge wink!"? "Whereas YOUR waistline matches your manners: non-existant"?

Well, an ex's sister once told me 'The thing about A (ex's previous girlfriend who had chucked him, ruined his life, blah blah) was that she was very pretty - but on the other hand he can have proper intelligent conversations with you.'

Motherinferior, that reminds me of my first date with DP where he spent the night telling me how "stunning" his ex was but didnt have a great personality whereas I was like "one of the lads"

hmmmm

thanks mate

ROFL @ Beccarollover!!

Men are so clueless in the compliment dept. sometimes aren't they?

I used to go out with an Irishman.... I was complaining one day that I had put on weight and felt horrible and fat. His attempt to make me feel better was this:
"You're not fat, you're plump and it's a well known fact that Irish men like their women to be plump"!!!

I ran from the room crying and left him sitting there looking very confused.

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I think the rudest thing in the world is a man telling you how pretty another woman is/other women are. It makes my blood boil!
Emsiewill, much as I loathed school, I think her remarks are remarkably insensitive. I can only assume she didn't think before she spoke!

Twinkie, I think I may have muttered something about how he wasn't that bright actually.

Another ex - a very long time ago and I think the poor lad was just being hopeless - said in reply to my coy remark I hadn't known he fancied me "surely it's obvious that I don't have a conventional sense of what's attractive".

I think I am better off with DP, really

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Love these tactless comments

friend of mine was having her hair cut and had taken her little boy with her. The hairdresser said "ooh, he's such a gorgeous little boy. Is your husband good looking then?"

OUCH Marthamoo!!! Thats shocking!

Twinkie - I know. He was trying to be SOOOO sweet. He really didn't get it at all. Pillock!

in the same vein I had someone say to me - when mentioning about my dd going to nursery - that she would rather starve and die before she could put her child in a nursery

well make me feel good

then asked how I felt the nursery would cope with dd - you know - how she is special and has so many needs....,......

der at 12 months let me see - she needs - play, fun, learning to socialise, love and attention .......

OR she could be like said woman's child.....

or stay at home and play alone and not share a thing with anyone else - and then embarrass mother at mother and toddler group when she throws a paddy and shoves kids away from toys she wants....