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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why are people so insensitive?

53 replies

emsiewill · 05/01/2004 23:07

Just wanted to moan.....

Db and sil are home educating their daughter. Although it's not what I have chosen for my children, I have supported them all the way, and truly believe that it can be a really positive thing to do. In fact, if I was a better person (ie could bear to spend 24/7 with my kids), would consider it myself. SIL and I have had many conversations where I have expressed these views to her, so she is aware of my feelings.

Over the festive period, I asked her whether she was never tempted to send her dd to school, as it is a lovely church school (and they are active members of the church, my brother is a governor of the school) 2 minutes walk from their house. It was a a fairly light remark in the "imagine all that freedom" vein. I found her reply very insensitive. She said "oh no, the more I learn about schools, the less I want dd to go to one. They're like minature prisons for children. It's a subtle form of child abuse".

Maybe I'm being over sensitive, but can she really believe that I would send my children to a "minature prison" every day to be "subtly abused"? She can clearly see that my dds are happy, bright and well adjusted children, and as they spend a fair % of their time at school, surely they wouldn't be like that if it was so awful?

I'm really fed up with dealing with people who are not willing to take on board other people's opinions or just say nothing for the sake of good relations.

It's off my chest now. Thank you for listening.

OP posts:

eidsvold · 06/01/2004 20:01

as to sil comment - would let it go... obviously it will be something you won't agree on so let it go - you know your kids are doing well and that is all that matters......

katierocket · 06/01/2004 20:06

emsiewill - sounds like she feels a bit defensive to me. Very quick to come out with a comment like that. Try not to take it personally, I think Jimjams is probably right - she's probably had to 'defend' herself so often that she comes out with odd comments like that.

Ignore it, her problem not yours.

stupidgirl · 06/01/2004 20:59

Speaking as an HE'r (and probably biased...) I seem to spend half my life defending my choices - often to complete strangers.

I am 100% happy with, and secure in the choices I have made. But I do get defensive, because 99% of people think I am mad, and when the subject of education is brought up I prepare myself for an argument.

The HE community tends to be quite a close-knit group and it does often seem to be an 'us against the world' thing. And it's true that some of us are quite anti-school (you have to remember that quite a big percentage of HE'rs have chosen that route after experiencing problems with school).

I hope you don't think I'm taking her side over yours - just trying to explain it from another perspective. I think she was reacting to more than just your comment. A defence response to a barrage of negative comments. You just got on the recieving end, probably, like custardo suggested, because she feels she can with you.

Original poster

emsiewill · 06/01/2004 22:08

Thanks for all the replies. I find I'm not very good at thinking about other people's motivations, so this has been really helpful. We have a good relationship mostly, and have been able to discuss the subject with no problems in the past. We fundamentally disagree on how to bring up children in general (she is very child centered, I believe that the parents are as important as the child), and we have managed to get past this, so I'll just let this one go.

Still annoys me that I'm always the one making sure I don't offend people or be seen to criticise their choices, but others seem to feel it's open season on me & mine. (Other SIL has just had a baby and I'm FED UP with people saying "do you not want another? You must do really, what about a little boy"...etc, etc. NO I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY. SO BOG OFF)

Sorry, off topic, but glad to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

fisil · 06/01/2004 22:18

LOL at the tactless comments (if only they weren't actually so hurtful)

I had "when are you going to have another one" constantly over Christmas.

I always just changed the subject, but I would have loved to have said, "well today is day 13 of my cycle, which is usually between 23 and 33 days. Now for the last few months we have tried on days 14 and 16, but maybe this month we will try a different technique. And I'm always too tired to do the bum on a pillow legs up bit, but what do you think, maybe we'd increase our chances? And why do you think it is taking us so much longer to conceive the second one than the first, especially when we were quite keen on a small gap and consecutive school years, but that certainly won't happen now..."

But somehow I don't think that was the answer they wanted, even if it would have been the truth!

stupidgirl · 06/01/2004 22:19

It's difficult isn't it? Sometimes it seems when you're a parent nothing you do will ever be right. And all any of us are trying to do is what we think is best for our children.

Marina · 07/01/2004 10:05

Emsiewill, glad you have not let her comments get you down - agree with others that she was on the defensive about her own choices rather than specifically trying to undermine you.
tigermoth, I totally agree that some people's sweeping remarks can be breathtaking. I hope having children has made me a more broad-minded and kinder person and tend to expect that this applies to other people I meet in the same position. Wrong...I also thought it fizzled out during the pre-school years and as children mature their parents would be less tactlessly competitive...Wrong.
I am still smarting from "How do you produce such GORGEOUS babies" said at church last Sunday (unsaid = you raddled old fatty). I was so cross I said I stole dd from outside Waitrose.

tabitha · 07/01/2004 10:38

How's this for a cracker of an insensitive comment, bearing in mind that I'm over 8 months pregnant with no.4.
Spoke to my dad on the phone last night and the conversation got onto the forthcoming baby:
Him - Are you planning to have any more?
Me - No.
Him - Well I think you should do something about it. You can have an operation, you know.
Me (but not out loud) - Yes, of course I know, you nosy old git now f@*k off and leave me alone.
Still it makes a change from almost complete strangers asking if it's an accident or telling me I'm mad!

Batters · 07/01/2004 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 07/01/2004 11:12

I found out my neighbour's builder's twins were roughly the same age as ds and starting nursery at the same time, so I was quite excited. I said that I worked at home and was sending him 3 days a week, 9 until 4pm and he said, that no, his twins were only going mornings for two days a week, because "We believe children need their mothers'. Right ho.

codswallop · 07/01/2004 11:16

Or looking at ds3 - did you want a girl?

"want"?
god....

dinosaur · 07/01/2004 11:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Blu · 07/01/2004 16:29

Marina: Good reply, after all, they'd never have believed you could get a Top Tot from outside Lidl or Kwik Save, would they?

Cam · 07/01/2004 17:37

This thread has made me laugh so much, have experienced most of these things, eg. "Your daughter has gorgeous big brown eyes, are they from her father?" Well, DH does have lovely eyes but they are bright blue and a totally different shape, dd does in fact have my eyes although obviously as mine are now swathed in crow's feet they now look all small and piggy!
Also, on Boxing Day, MIL says to me (after a glass of champagne too many) "Are you going to have another one, it would be really nice for dd"
I think she must have totally forgotten that I am 47 and also that I have another (grown-up) dd by my first marriage plus the simple fact that I have stated loudly and clearly many times that I do not want another child.
Twinkie, having met you at Mumsnet Xmas meet-up, it is quite clear that your "friend" is jealous of you and sounds like she fancies your dp to boot. Can I have your stomach instead of mine, please? For anyone who hasn't seen Twinkie she is a very slim, young beautiful girl.(with fab shoes).
Emsiewill,your sil obviously has an entrenched position and feels that she has to express this in an extreme way. If she is saying this to her children, sounds like a bit of brainwashing is going on. Ignore her comments.

Tortington · 07/01/2004 20:31

i have a stock response to people who ask if i am going to have any more, i always say " god no, i dont like the ones i have!" shuts them up or makes them laugh

Clarinet60 · 09/01/2004 12:01

I'm fed up with people saying to me 'oh, but wouldn't you like a girl?'
Especially in front of DS1, who takes it all in. I hope it stops soon, as I'd hate my boys to grow up thinking they weren't quite enough. Actually, DS1 did say last week, 'I think this family should have a baby girl'.

Northerner · 09/01/2004 12:17

dh to me this morning as I was getting dressed for work. (It's his day off - he was laid in bed reading the paper)

DH: They're nice pants, when did you get those?
Me: My Mum bought me them for christmas
DH: They're sexy, I like them
Me: Thanks hon (looking at watch wondering if we have time for a quickie)
DH: When are you starting your diet again?

M2T · 09/01/2004 12:18

OOOOOOOOOOO Northerner! Cheeky Git!
Quite funny though...

Northerner · 09/01/2004 12:23

It wasn't funny this morning. I flounced out the house in a real huff. I know he didn't mean to be awful though, I was talking to him last night about going on a diet. I wouldn't mind though I'm only a size 10. But used to be an 8. I am 9 stone and the heaviest I've ever been. Need to lose some weight though.

Metrobaby · 09/01/2004 12:36

Ooo - I hate all those sort of questions too.
As soon as I was married, everyone asked "so when are you having a baby", then literally as soon as dd was born it was "so when's no2 planned?", and now that I am pg with no2, I get the same question as dinosaur - "wouldn't you like a boy?" - and the same disbelieving looks when we say we have no preference either way. We actually know what we are having, but haven't told anyone which seems to wind people up. They always say "ohh go on tell me" - and these are people we don't know that well. My Mum actually said the other day that she was sure I was having a girl again as I would be more excited about my pg if it was a boy!

Blackduck · 09/01/2004 12:53

Why is it when you are expecting/have children everyone thinks they have the right to a) ask personal questions b) comment on what you are doing?

20 week scan - guy doing it:
So how long have you been trying? (haven't/wasn't)
So only recently got together then - waiting for Mr Right?
Why did you wait so long? At this point my internal response is probably not publishable on this site..and he wasn't taking the hint!

FIL to dp on hearing he was to be a dad - now you know what it's like to be a real man!

scampadoodle · 09/01/2004 12:56

I'm 19 wks pg & I've lost count of the times I've been asked if I'm going to find out the sex. No offence, but I really don't understand people who want to know what they're having (apart from for medical reasons), it's so control-freaky, & it is such a lovely surprise at the birth. Ds1 was very ill when he was born (we didn't find out his sex either BTW) so this time I could give birth to a giraffe & I wouldn't care as long as it was healthy. But people seem incredulous that I'm really not bothered!

Lara2 · 09/01/2004 20:43

Does my Ds qualify for this then? When going to a friend's house a week after the (much loved and treasured) cat had died, looked carefully round and said " Is your cat still dead then?"

tanzie · 09/01/2004 20:56

I love these "tactless" comments! One of my work colleagues, when learning that DH and I were getting married, asked me if I had a private income and/or very rich parents "because we are all wondering what he sees in you!!"

She also said "I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. Isn't it funny how the sun affects men?" (we met when living abroad).

Yes, she did fancy him...why do you ask?!

cazzybabs · 09/01/2004 21:07

No offense but some of these had me laughing out loud esp the cat one becuase that is just the kind of think my dad would do

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