Oof. Well. I fear this will be a long one.
I read the previous thread with a mixture of fascination, recognition and great sadness. My first ever relationship, and the long term effects that it had suddenly made crystal clear sense. I think I'm writing this to clarify with myself and with others that I was actually in a pretty abusive relationship, I don't know. Would be very interested to hear other opinions.
Met when I was 16 and he was 21. First relationship for us both. He came across as very shy - later discovered he was actually extremely arrogant and believed that most people were 'worthless' and didn't deserve basic politeness. Also wanted to create an air of 'mystique'.
His father was utterly horrible - sexist, racist, homophobic, you name it. High status job, heading towards retirement and clearly dreading it. Was an utter shit to his wife who was lovely but worn down. Clearly did not like women at all. Ex BF worshipped him, was usually very sweet to his mum but at times would join in with the bullying.
Gradually seperated me from my friends. I was 16/17 and liked going out. Would pick fights just before a night out, or meal out with my friends to make sure I either didn't go or had a miserable time.
Would rant quietly at me late into the night - I would be lying in bed desperately trying to keep my eyes open, sobbing, while he listed the various things I had done wrong. I can barely remember my crimes, just wailing 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' until he 'forgave' me and let me go to sleep. This happened at least once a week.
Believed himself to be a tortured and misunderstood artist and musician (he was shit at both) and saw himself as my 'mentor' and 'teacher' in how to be an intellectual which basically seemed to involve sneering at anything mainstream and only watching foreign language films and reading classic literature. I like classics. I also like Jilly Cooper. I found myself HIDING books and DVDs from him to avoid the inevitable criticism.
My weight suddenly became an issue. I was size 10, had never had any concerns about my weight. One day I was told I ate too much, used to be much sexier and that it was my 'duty' to lose the weight as he 'had to be seen with me'. I was 17. He would stare at me while I ate until I stopped, comment on everything I put into my mouth. He told me I had broad shoulders and walked like a man. He bought me clothes that were far too small. This led to a very unhealthy relationship with food, which to some extent I still have.
He would tell me which of my friends he fancied and how they were far more attractive than me.
Pushed me in the stomach during a row, then persuaded me it hadn't happened.
I only realised after reading this thread, and the previous that I was actually terrifed of him. He manipulated me into a position where I had no one to talk to, made himself this massively important figure in my life and had me constantly doubting my decisions and desperate for his approval.
He used to dismiss me during a conversation - if he was on the phone I'd be chatting away and he'd suddenly start talking to someone else in the room.
On the rare occasions I stood up for myself he sulked. And sulked. And sulked, again with the result being I would apologise and promise to 'try harder'.
I got decent A'Level results and went off to Uni about an hour away from where he lived. Oh, the sense of freedom! I could go out without getting permission, wear what I wanted, smoke without hiding it. He became increasingly desperate as I used the physical distance to gain self confidence and detach - would turn up out of the blue, proposed to me, insisted he was moving to the same city so I could live with him and he could keep me close.
I'm not proud of this but one night I kissed someone else, didn't feel remotely guilty, and broke up with him over the phone 
but with hindsight I think I could never have done it face to face, he would have bullied me into changing my mind, then punished me for it.
He then pestered my mum and my friends with concerns over my mental health. Sent me long rambling letters hinting heavily at suicide. I ignored them. Last I heard from him (he would occasionally email me to update me on his life, I think to show me what I was missing) he was about to get married and was training to be a counsellor :( the thought of which fills me with horror.
My self confidence, self esteem and ability to trust my own judgement were shattered. This has improved over the years, but never really left. I look back and can't really remember anything good or happy, I remember lots of tears, confusion and exhaustion. I do know there were times when I would ask myself if relationships were supposed to be this miserable, but generally thought, as I had been relentlessly told, that any problems were because I wasn't 'good' enough, and he was kind and patient enough to take me under his wing.
I was 16 when we met, 18 when we split. I am now 30. I have never, ever had a relationship like this since him. Some things were so subtle, and seemingly trivial, others were blatantly manipulative and abusive. I didn't even realise.
Shit. Sorry its so long!