Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Why am I so Guillible?

22 replies

noniks · 09/11/2012 21:52

I have a friend, we are / were very close. Work together and have successful business. Best friends.
SHe had an fling few years back . I found out by walking in on them in our premises . It was a horrible time snd took ages to trust her again. She said all over, terrible mistake, ended it and promised to never ever let it happen again. I said I would keep her secret as to tell her dh would have been the end of them and it was none of my business. Main,y because I care so much about her and wanted to be there to help pick up the bits if it all went wrong.

Found it today not only is it happening again with same man but that it has been for months and she has been lying to me.....for months.

I am devastated that someone I consider a best friend could do this to me and her dh all over again.
I don't know if I can have a business partnership with her anymore. I don't know what to do about her dh. I feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Whatnowffs · 09/11/2012 21:58

Is there a way you can get out of the business without losing too much money? I couldn't trust her tbh. Her dh isn't your responsibility really, as sad as it is, its probably best to get out and keep your mouth shut.

Original poster

noniks · 09/11/2012 21:58

Wanted to just ask.....am I a hopeless useless wet lettuce to want people to be honest with me, or is life these days so full of people who lie to you?

Feeling so betrayed and lonely. How can I trust her enough to work with again?
And why is a friendship so disposable, let alone her marriage,

Sorry to ramble. Am so upset and feel so used. Her dh has no idea, and I don't feel I can be the one to tell him.......but it's a lot to carry alone.

OP posts:

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 22:12

Oh OP i am so sorry. That's an awful situation to be in.

But you have to think of this way. if she is willing to betray her dh, lying to you isn't that different.

You may need to looking at cutting business ties. Can you buy her out? could she buy you out?

You need to honest with her and tell her why. I am sure an arrangement can be come to.

pictish · 09/11/2012 22:15

Mmm...not quite sure why you feel betrayed, as she is not cheating on you is she?
Seriously, one of my best friends had an affair, and I didn't take it personally.
Why are you so upset?

tribpot · 09/11/2012 22:23

Whilst I fully understand that you feel hurt and betrayed, I don't think you should berate yourself for being gullible.

You had no suspicions that she had resumed the affair, which means she was hiding it well from you. If you want to try to understand the mindset, there are plenty of threads on MN about it (albeit mostly from the other side), with references to being carried away by the drama of it all. And in this case I would imagine she also justified it to herself as 'what noniks doesn't know won't hurt her'. How convenient for her.

Does this necessarily mean she is untrustworthy in other areas of your life, like your business? Logically yes - she is a skilled liar and lacks integrity. That doesn't sound like someone you should be in business with. On the other hand, the compartmentalising of behaviour that she's done may equally mean she regards the standards applied to her private life to have nothing to do with her professional conduct. In other words, maybe it won't matter. But you now have a choice to make about whether that's a risk you are prepared to take.

In terms of her DH, I would tell her she has the chance to tell him herself or you will. Imagine if he found out that you had discovered the affair not once but twice :( But that is another, very difficult decision to have to make.

Original poster

noniks · 09/11/2012 22:24

I'm so upset because she promised me that it would stop.
I've asked her recently if it was going on and she looked me in the eye and lied to me. We have a close and longstanding friendship and its the lying I can't accept.
I struggle most with accepting that she knew how much damage it did before, yet puts getting her leg over before me, her best mate ( her words)

OP posts:

pictish · 09/11/2012 22:31

Well to be fair, I doubt she told anyone about what she was getting up to.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 22:35

I get that but think objectively if you can. She promised to be faithful to her husband. She looks into his eyes everyday and lies, she has a close and longstanding marriage. If none of this meant anything to her, why would your relationship.

I know it sounds harsh, but she is a cheater and the hurt she is causing is something she is not interested in an the moment. Its all about the OM and damn everyone else.

Original poster

noniks · 09/11/2012 22:42

I feel sort of bereaved
You're right, she doesn't give a crp about anyone but her and the other man.

I feels bloody angry that she can lie to me so easily. And I genuinely don't know if i can work itch her again. She won't give up the business and I don't want to give it up.....so how do I stop this feeling so raw and move on....last time it turned into me bing the one doing the hand holding and the " we cn come though this, I won't hold it against you". And now she's done it al over agin.

OP posts:

Original poster

noniks · 09/11/2012 22:43

Bloody I pad.sorry for the poor spelling.

OP posts:

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 22:51

Don't worry about the spelling. Mines just crap.

you need to detach yourself, she is a business partner only. Don't socialise with her or her dh, don't discuss anything other than business.

You may find, though, that part of why the business is doing so well is down to how close you are.

Me and dh own a very successful business. But our marriage hit a rough patch, then so did the business, which made the martial issues (nothing major like cheating or anything, just me thinking he was a twat :) ) worse.

We are fine now but can see how us not being as close effected how we worked and we are a better team when our marriage is happy. I hope that makes sense.

YerMaw1989 · 09/11/2012 23:05

I think you are taking her affair too personally apart from the walking in on them part ewww.

izzyizin · 09/11/2012 23:11

Surely it's more the case that she's put getting her leg over before her dh rather than her best mate and it's he that should more rightfully feel 'lonely and betrayed' should he become aware of his dw's extra marital activities?

Providing your friend's loose morals don't extend to your joint business venture, I see no reason why this matter should impinge adversely on your relationship either in or out of work.

pictish · 09/11/2012 23:16

I agree. I can understand you finding your friend's affair distasteful of course, but feeling hurt and betrayed? Not so much.

SoleSource · 09/11/2012 23:23

What does it have to do with ypu? She felt she had to lie to you as she fears your harsh judgements. You are not much of a friend.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2012 23:27

I suppose, putting it bluntly, she feels her sex life has nothing to do with you. Best friends or not. She's obviously madly attracted to this bloke and has chosen not to do the sensible thing and stay away from him. She is doing something utterly fucking stupid, but she's betraying her husband, not you, really. She's trying not to make you complicit in her affair, she hasn't asked you to cover for her (which undoubtedly would have made her life easier).

It will only ruin your friendship if you let it. You don't have to see the affair from her side, but you should see why she didn't tell you and why it's not your place to make her promise not to have an affair - that's down to her vows with her husband.

You really put her in a difficult situation by making her promise not to have an affair, which isn't really something you promise a friend.

It doesn't need to affect your business at all, it's up to you if you let it or not. Though, I suppose that partly depends on whether her DH is a real friend of yours or not. If he is and you tell him, or force her to, then it is going to end the business relationship too I imagine... but on the other hand, business partners have got through worse.

pictish · 09/11/2012 23:31

I thought 'I'm so upset because she promised me she would stop' was a bit iffy as well. Strange promise to ask of a friend really.

I agree with everything you said there chipping.

olgaga · 09/11/2012 23:53

I think you are going to have to put this to one side. She's not cheating on you! I'm not sure why you would expect her to even make promises to you about her personal life, let alone keep them.

You run a business together - you either maintain a professional relationship with her the business, and your livelihoods, will be affected.

You're going to have to get to grips with the fact that her personal life is her own business, and nothing to do with you.

izzyizin · 10/11/2012 01:01

As for I don't know what to do about her dh, he's not yours to do anything about and you're best advised to stay out of your allegedly 'best mate's' relationships with her h and the om.

If you truly are the 'best friend' you claim to be, you'll keep your knowledge to yourself and be on hand to pick up the pieces should occasion arise - and please note that any best friend worth their salt would be ardently hoping that their services won't be called upon in this respect.

Dryjuice25 · 10/11/2012 02:10

Your friend probably feel uneasy about your interfering in her very private life. I don't divulge intimate details to friends, maybe she feels entitled to that and rightly so. It might be time to rethink the boundaries of your friendship as I think this is not worth loosing a "good" friendship over.

Its not your mess what she spoils of her marriage.

Mspontipine · 10/11/2012 02:25

It's her personal life. Not yours. Being a friend does not entitle you to know bloody everything. Obviously she lied to you as she knew you's be like this. and told you what you wanted to hear then got on with her own life.

NoImSpartacus · 10/11/2012 05:57

Frankly your friends sex life is none of your business! My friends may do things I wouldn't do, but I don't judge them for it. She would be well rid of you by the sound of it.

Flip