I have never posted on here before, but have lurked for a while.
I remember your thread, and it described the situation I had been in for 13 years, until I left 9 years ago with 3 children under the age of 6. I had no job and had to apply for social housing and it was hard - but the relief and feeling of freedom was unbelievable. Reading your thread brought it all back and made me realise just how far I had come
I knew that a lot of what was happening was wrong, but your judgement becomes so clouded and your reality so skewed, that you just try and get through each day. The tipping point for me occurred after a particulartly nasty sexual assault. I was in tears and he just sat there and laughed. I realised then that there were one of two things going on (i) he couldn't help it and therefore it would always be like this or (ii) he chose to behave in all those ways. Either way I suddenly realised that nothing I could do would change things. It was a lightbulb moment that meant I no longer had to waste head space trying to work out what the hell was going on.
I picked myself up, looked him in the eye, and told him that he had a week to leave or I would involve the police. As usual he said that no-one would believe me, that this was what all marriages were like, that people in wars had to deal with far worse, that I was mad, he would get custody of the kids, everyone knew I was an unfit mother, all my friends laughed at me behind my back, no-one liked me, it was all my fault etc etc etc - but nonetheless he went! But not before telling me that I would ruin the childrens lives, they would fail at school, be emotionally damaged, have no friends, blame me for everything, and so on. None of the above was true, as I found out when I started to talk to people about what had gone on.
It wasn't easy - dealing with an abuser never is, and he was very clever, but also very deluded about how things would work out. Counselling helped me a great deal in the early days.
I got a lawyer, filed for divorce - which he tried to block at every move, and got enough equity out of the house to buy somewhere small outright. He gets to see the children every other weekend and has no money. He still tries everything he can to upset our lives, but it's now water off a ducks back and has no effect whatsoever.
I went back to work part-time when my youngest started school 6 years ago, and with tax credits have managed fine. Since then I have met and currently live a with a fantastic new partner who is different in every way possible to XH, and have progressed my career. The 3 boys (now 14, 12 and 11) are happy, well-adjusted, settled, achieving very highly at school, and are starting to realise, through some of their Dad's recent actions (very bitter and stupid man) that there were very good reasons for our divorce. They are protective of me, and I receive nothing but postive feedback about them wherever we go.
I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but it does nothing but get better, and I am so glad you did it. It will continue to get better and better, even though things may get tough at times. So onwards and upwards ......
My only regret is that there was no Mumsnet 9 years ago, because if I had known then what I have since learnt, he would have been out on his ear far sooner. Mumsnet is brilliant!