Discovery of affair - crisis management help, please

[betrayedandwobbly]

I'm in shock and don't want to post details of what has been going on, but it's the discovery of H's major, longstanding emotional affair. I am in no fit state to even begin to consider whether to mend or end the marriage.

I need help on two things:

I have Not Just Friends on order from Amazon and have read nearly every word of dearpeggy.com. What other sites or books might help in these early days?

The DCs. They've noticed already that I'm bursting into tears for no apparent reason and am sad and distant. I've told them I'm ill (well, I keep feeling sick all the time so that's nearly true). But the weekend is coming and I'm worried that what has been sustainable between end of school and bedtime will just all collapse over two full days. Any wise words?

You poor thing. No wise words but I could have written this post myself, this time last year. Make sure you keep your fluids up and just do what feels right by you, no decisions have to be made yet, just spend your time getting your head round it. Your husband can deal with the children this weekend while you focus on yourself, after all it is him who caused this. xxx

Have you asked your husband to leave? If not, I can recommend that as a first step to a) give him the message that this is a very serious matter & demonstrate what he has to lose... and b) allow you to work out how you genuinely feel about the situation. I'm not big on self-help books, I'm afraid. Tend to think that, given a bit of time, you will know what is the best thing to do for yourself and that it's far too personal and individual a decision for a book which can only generalise.

As for the DCs, you have to be as honest as possible in an age-appropriate way. Lying about being ill will only worry them - children are small, not stupid. Tell them that Dad has done something that has really upset you, that you're going to be quite sad for a time and that he's gone away for a while. Reassure them that it's nothing they've done or not done but that this is a grown-up matter than you and Dad have to sort out. If they ask directly about divorce (I don't know how old they are) ... again be as honest as possible because they'll spot if you're not.

Have you told anyone IRL yet? Guessing not. Good luck

your message brought tears to my eyes because I discovered four days ago that my husband of two months (partner of eight years with whom I have two children) has been having a 2yr affair and she is 3 months pregnant with his child. He was seeing her again within a couple of wks of our honeymoon if the smutty texts are anything to go by. He has also been having casual shags with several others it would seem as well.

Like you I am distraught and struggling to know what to do. It is a massive shock and like you I can't eat, feel sick all the time and DCs have seen me crying keep asking what is the matter.

I haven't confronted him yet and he is so confident in his deception that he has no idea I know and I am gathering evidence. I wanted to scream and shout at him but I know he will twist things and say it was my fault so I want to have everything to prove he is also a total liar before I do.

I am also trying to sort out finances before I do because a lot of joint debt is in my name, he is the earner, I earn very little and don't want to be left destitute with two young children. I am consulting a solicitor which is free of charge for the first consult then I will have to see what the costs are.

Hang in there. We will get through this even if it is f**king horrible along the way.

Thinking of you in solidarity

xxx

Lasaucisse1978: thank you so much. It's crap, isn't it?

CES: I don't know what to do about RL support, or at least face to face RL support. My family are a long distance away, as are older friends. And the person within reach I would usually turn to is, I have discovered, the OW.

I'll have a think about asking him to leave; I'll certainly put him on notice that I am actively considering it. And talk to him about when and how to tell the DCs (rather than whether/how to conceal it).

As the news is so fresh, and I am so lacking in confidence right now, I am wary of doing that may prove irrevocable, especially in relation to the DCs. I want to buy time. I am sure there is still much I need to find out.

When I found out about XHs affair, I didn't throw him out. That is one thing I regret about the time after discovery although as I found out a day before DSs birthday, and then had to go away for work a week later, I felt I couldn't really do it.

My DC were 7 and 5 at the time - I didn't tell them anything at the time. Still not sure how I got through it tbh.

As you can see we did split up but things are a lot better for both of us than when we were together.

Ask him to leave... then think. If you delay or you put him on notice you're effectively condoning the behaviour and he'll persuade you to let him stay. The problem with the way you feel now is that you will hear what you want to hear - natural. But, unless he's decided it's over between you of course, he will be saying what he thinks you want to hear. Means you'll end up doing nothing....

So find the confidence to give yourself some space. You will never regret doing it.

Agree with cogito he needs to leave now You will realise why when you are feeling stronger,good luck x

I'm with Cogito on this one. Ask him to vacate for a while.

So sorry you're going through this this was me six months ago, we'll seven months now!

In the ideal world we'd all ask our cheating partners to leave, in my case this wasn't possible due to varying factors. I however spent lots of my time with a very good friend who was an amazing support. Tbh I felt better getting out of the house while dp looked after ds!

It will be all consuming at the moment so as others have suggested try and get out, let your dh look after the children.

You've had a double blow with the ow being a 'friend' I'm so sorry, this must be doubly hard. Is there any other RL friends or family who can support you through this and not judge you whatever the outcome, whether you stay together or not? (early days).

Sorry just read that closer family and friends live a distance but equally being able just to talk to someone over the phone would be a help, you can't carry this alone.

How has your dh reacted to your discovery?

MAKE HIM LEAVE.

It is the most important thing, as others say, you'll see why when the fog clears a bit.

You might make a go of things, you might not. But one sure way to give him the impression that this is all something HE can control and probably talk his way out of (and therefore you will never get the full story, will never know exactly whether he's spinning you a line etc) is to let him stay in the house as if all is just as it's always been.

Ironically, if you want there to be a chance that this gets fixed, you MUST take a hard line NOW. You must make him absolutely believe that his actions have probably lost him his family...and he has to convince YOU that he's worth having back. You have to scare the living shit out of him, in other words. Once he is coming from a position that any more bullshit, one more false move, and he's sunk... Then you might get some answers you can work with.

So, don't 'seriously consider' asking him to leave. That means NOTHING and he'll know it. Pack his bags and tell him you don't do cheats, and throw him out. Then take all the time you want to consider what you really want to do.

Doctordwt is spot on. I really wish I'd read that post when it happened to me. You absolutely have to make him realise what he stands to lose. Sadly, it took me 3 months to get there, and it was pure hell in the meantime.

This is his doing, not yours. Don't get caught in the guilt trap of thinking you're breaking your family up. He has done that all by himself. Thinking of you, it totally sucks, I feel knotted inside for you.

We read lots of books, but Not Just Friends was by far the best for our situation. I think there's a website to go with the book too. Another book I'd recommend is Private Lies by Frank Pittman which we read after I'd seen an article he'd written posted on this site.

I read that Dear Peggy site in the early days, but as time wore on and I learned more, I thought she'd got some aspects very wrong. I remember her saying that she took comfort from the fact that if her husband had been married to one of his OW, he would have had an affair with her. Wrong approach IMO - the aim is for neither of you to want an affair with anyone and to realise that affairs are all about individual behaviour.

The Beyond Affairs site was quite good, but might only be helpful if you're dealing with a brief affair based on an ego boost. Doesn't sound like that's your husband's situation.

Two books I'd avoid would be anything by Relate or Andrew Marshall.

One of the points I'd make is that the person who should be doing all this reading and website surfing is your husband. If it's you doing all the research and not him, that's a problem in itself. He caused this and it's his responsibility to understand it.

Advice about the children and coping around them is dependent on their ages. If they are primary school age, some evasiveness without telling lies is okay. Teenagers or adult children though are often a bit more perceptive. If you're not going to tell them about this, be very careful not to be overheard and to cover your traces on shared computers.

BTW just to counter the 'make him leave' advice - that's all very well but it often means you get left with all the housework and childcare while he gets to take care of himself alone. So if you feel you need space, get away yourself and leave him with the kids and the house. If you do split up, he will need to get used to being a single parent doing their washing and cooking their meals when he has them, so this is good practice.

Get him to leave, to hive you space to think.
Tell someone even if you don't know them that well (obviously not OW or her best friends, but maybe someone who is divorced and seems friendly?).
Eat and try to be healthy. Give yourself space to think.

Poor you. Having him leave will give your head a chance to clear. I let mine come back too soon. He blackmailed me and I caved. Tell the kids you've had some bad news, bad grown up news and you're a little sad right now. Good luck.

what do those of you who suggest asking him to leave say if he says" it's my house too, I am not going anywhere" ?

You can't MAKE him leave.
And he might go straight to his lover. is that a good long term plan?

If he refuses to leave & give her some time to think - something any truly contrite or apologetic man should be happy to do in the circumstances - the OP can judge him accordingly. If he chooses to go to his lover, then he's confirming there's no future in the marriage.

What Cogito says.

If he won't go, I'd pack a bag and go myself (with the kids - this is what he can look forward to). If he goes to his lover, he's made his choice, hasn't he?

Thanks everyone.

I'm not ready to post about the specifics of what's been going on, so I realise help from here is limited. But it's been so comforting to know there are people here who replied when I called out.

Firstly so,so this has happened to you.Too many of us have been there.I now see I did two things wrong on discovery.But it was sudden, and totally unexpected.No suspicions.No warnings.And discovered by OWs partner not me.So total life changing,marriage changing shock.
No 1 - was offered sanctuary by dear friend a short flight away for a few days to collect my thoughts .Didn't go as felt it was too complicated with family and work commitments ,and didn't want to upset DCs.Young adults but one still at home.On reflection I should have gone, or asked him to leave for a few days to allow me to think and also so he would realise the enormity of the hurt and anger I felt.He knew that anyway tbh but still it made me more confused to be on top of each other, hysterically bonding with lots of raunchy sex - yes weird one that, almost like rewarding him for being disloyal and messed with my head.
No 2. Talked to OW.Like you I knew her, but not a close friend.More a passing aquaintance , and realistically knew our paths were likely to cross.At the time needed to say my piece, and she desperately wanted to 'apologise'.Realise now she wanted to limit damage to her reputation and was full of self justification and frankly nothing was gained from giving a her a moment of my time.If anything I probably fed her need for attention and added to the drama of it all,which I think was what she wanted.
So my advice would be don't try and make long term decisions now ,it's far too soon.But do ask him to give you time and space to process what you have learnt so far.Sadly there may be more to come.And don't be tempted to have a showdown with OW.And use the support of a close RL friend ,or family even if over the phone.You need it.

So sorry to hear this . I only discovered STBXH's emotional affair after he left me but I understand how you feel. The sense if betrayal is huge.

Please keep posting and you will get support

Every affair post seems to have to same guidance.

Make him leave, read a few books, counselling, make him prove himself, etc etc

There is another option. Just make him leave full stop. End your relationship, dust yourself down and in time did someone who won't cheat on you with your "so called" best friend.

It's not compulsory to take someone back.

Your family is far away as was mine. What I learnt is that in this situation family will come at the drop of a hat in my case my Aunty flew in (2 flights) from Shetland. My mum has come with three hours notice.

I didn't read any books, I didn't make him leave immediately and we did go to relate.

Relate was the turning point as I think he thought I would compromise on him being friends with OW (was also my friend) him refusing to give her up and me saying it was non-negotiable was a big shock to him.