Discovery of affair - crisis management help, please

[betrayedandwobbly]

I'm in shock and don't want to post details of what has been going on, but it's the discovery of H's major, longstanding emotional affair. I am in no fit state to even begin to consider whether to mend or end the marriage.

I need help on two things:

I have Not Just Friends on order from Amazon and have read nearly every word of dearpeggy.com. What other sites or books might help in these early days?

The DCs. They've noticed already that I'm bursting into tears for no apparent reason and am sad and distant. I've told them I'm ill (well, I keep feeling sick all the time so that's nearly true). But the weekend is coming and I'm worried that what has been sustainable between end of school and bedtime will just all collapse over two full days. Any wise words?

BAW...does he take your children out at the weekends so you get a break ?

Do they stay with him overnight so you can rest up, and get proper space ?

If not, then he is just doing the fun bits and leaving the shitwork to you, which is Offred's point I think and one I concur with.

Really offred? Perhaps you could let me know which part of our family logistics and DCs needs I am insufficiently aware of or have attached the wrong weight to?

? Where did I say that? I'm not the one you should be angry with really am I?

(It is him I am accusing of not taking responsibility here not you, you have been landed with it all by the sounds of it)

You said my weekend arrangements are wrong. As I posted above, I currently have no faith at all in my judgement, so yes I could have made a mess of it.

What factors have I assessed wrongly? For I do not see how you can know this from what I have posted, and would like to know how else it can be done.

I have already explained that I haven't said you have done anything wrong an my other posts already answer those questions. I honestly don't understand why you are so angry with me?

Betrayedandwobbly, reading this post has helped me somewhat. I've just found out today that my partner (we're not married) of 6 years and father of our 9 month old son, has been having an affair. The other woman's partner turned up on my doorstep today to enlighten me and to show me the proof, photos etc. To say i was shocked was an understatement. Acutally, i wasnt that shocked as i had my suspicions something was going on by the way OH has been behaving lately and boy, we've had some problems of late. Anyway, Im totally in shock at the moment, i had a bag packed for him when he returned from work and i told him to leave while i decided what i want.

Truth is im terrified. All of my family live a 2 hour drive away, i moved up here and gave up my job and everything to be with my partner and this is how he's repaid me. I was only in a temping job (due to moving around with OH's job) when i got pregnant so I am currently a SAHM. I hate feeling this way but i feel totally reliant on him. I dont want to be a single mum on benefits in a council flat but if i dont take him back, or if he decides he wants to be with his other woman, then that is what i will become.

Ive taken some comfort reading how strong you've been and how you and your husband are at least talking and starting to get somewhere. My OH however, was matter of fact when i confronted him. Admitted he'd been cheating (says its only been going on for a fortnight, its a woman from work) but immediately pointed out the problems we've been having and how i've 'driven him to it' basically. Hoping for some resolution. Just wanted to you to know that im going through it too. Wishing you all the best and hope you can sort your relationship out.

I wish, mintchocchip80, that I hadn't updated this thread, though I am glad you saw something positive in it.

I have little/no RL support and had thought that this board might be a place to feel less alone.

Offred: this isn't about you and I no spare feelings right now to direct any in particular your way. I do however still await your views on how I should be changing the weekend admin, as that (together with criticism of the nature of his confession) have been the only issues from my update post that led to any comments.

Mintchip - so sorry it happened to you as well

Your partner isn't taking full responsibility isn't he? He is blaming you - please remember that affairs are all about the cheater's issues and traits. Instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling, writing a letter/email etc he CHOSE to shag this woman as a way of resolving his problems.

If things were less than great, then it is probably because he has withdrawn, become grumpy, critical and picking petty fights. They do this because of the pressure/guilt of having a secret life, to create distance and to justify the cheating.

You have done the right thing in asking for space and I would advise you to set up your own thread so that you can get advice specific for your situation. I would go to CAB to find out what you are entitled to - tax credits, benefits, council tax reduction etc.

I would strongly advise you to get real life support from friends and family.

Betrayedandwobbly
There really isn't a right answer - there simply is what works for you and your family. You need some space and hopefully the arrangements get you some ie you're not stuck in the house all weekend with kids and your "guest". Can he take the kids overnight - guess it depends where he is staying and on your kids? Does he take them out for the day or do all the running around for weekend activities to give you a break?
These would be ways for you to get time and space which you can't get during the week when you are juggling everything else.
I also think you need to work out when you can both talk - first off when you are ready. But also when you have time so its not rushed due to him leaving and when the kids aren't there. Very hard to make that all work logistically but I hope you can. And then I think you need to let him do the talking - as you say it shouldn't just you asking questions and getting answers - although I'm sure you have many. Silence is often the most powerful tool - people have to fill the gaps and that might help you - as tough as it is to hear it all.

betrayed - Offred is saying what we usually advise re child access. That it should be up to him to make arrangements to take them out rather than waltz into your space and your home. It is confusing for the children and can mess up your head. This will also help reinforce the fact that his actions have clear consequences.

The drip feeding of his confession is what one would expect from a cheater - they do this to protect themselves rather than the betrayed party. It is torture as it though as it means you are left wondering if there is more to come.

I really would seek RL support from one or two close friends/family.

I think you're doing amazingly well.

If in 20 days you've got into an acceptable "holding pattern" that is giving you space to think and him time to atone, then you're well ahead of where most people would be.

She was your friend, so this is a double betrayal. If the two peoe closest to you have been lying to you for a long time, it's no wonder you feel so confused.

What can we do for you now?

Cheering squad? Listening ear? Practical advice? Jokes?

We're all trying to help. :)

Mad about hot choc - thank you so much for your supportive comments. I know i have gatecrashed this thread with my own problems haven't I ?! Just wanted to let Betrayed know that she wasnt going through it alone. I dont feel strong enough right now to go the the CAB but i will go within the next few days. I feel sick at the thought of being a single mum and having to join the council house waiting list all because my partner has thrown our life away. You are right in what you say, he was distant / picked fights for months and months and i can see why now. Thanks for the support anyway, really appreciate it.

I understand you do not feel up to going to CAB yet. Remember that the better informed you are, the stronger you will feel. Olgaga usually posts very good advice on this kind of stuff and hope she won't mind me copying and pasting her post:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break ? if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

Mintchocchip80: ok. Thread now all yours.

BAW: Hopefully, you'll come back to this thread and take on board what Offred has said. She's not criticising you in any way, shape or form.

What she IS saying, however, is :

First, your H has landed you with this bombshell;

Second, he moves out, leaving you to deal with yourself and your DC's during the week;

Third, he moves back in for the weekends, having been living the single life during the week, getting plenty of rest etc. etc. and you are now living the life of a single parent, with no time out for yourself to get your thoughts and emotions into some sort of order;

Fourth, he needs to give you a proper explanation of what has happened. Not fob you off with half an explanation or a snippet here or there.

Lastly, you only started this thread on 9th November. That's nearly 3 weeks ago. No time at all for the hurt and pain to have started receding.

Betrayedandworried
I get the feeling you may be lurking but not planning on coming back. I'm really sorry if this thread hasn't given you what you wanted but please do come back to it if you want to. Your posts sound like you're still in shock and as you say discovery and maybe some of what was here was too difficult to take in or too abrupt
I really hope you get some time to yourself - space to work out that shock and how you feel.
In the mean time as Athinginyourlife said what do you need, what can we do ? This nest of vipers can tell the crudest jokes, can mop up tears and can just listen (the latter is a tad difficult for many but can be done!)

BAW, you flouncing off your own support thread is going to do you no favours at all

Astonishing.

maleview, Offred and AF all offer sane and sensible thoughts.

Having DP back in the shared home is upsetting.... let him take the kids out; did I miss he lives in a tent or something at weekends?

I agree with maleview once the trust was gone it was game over for me

Sorry you are going through this .. it was almost a year ago for me too

On the positive side I have never been happier .. well rid of the lying ex and started dating again :)

For what it's worth....I think I'd do exactly the same if I were in BAWs shoes. I don't know how old your dc are but mine are young and actually used to spending time with daddy indoors- they would be totally confused to go to a different house with him or start hanging around playcentres. That can come later, it's early days and Im sure BAW has done what's best for her/DCs. There's no text book on this is there?? Please post for more support if you need it BAW. I read some of the posts on here with my jaw open, how people assume and judge so much from so little information!!!!

Firstly, Madabouthotchoc - Thank you so SO much for all of the info you passed on, that is a massive help and i will be looking through those links tonight. We aren't married but jointly own a home so i know things aren't going to be as straightforward as if we were married. Thanks again tho, im amazed at how helpful and kind people can be when you shout for help.

Re - all the ridiculous sniping and bitching at BAW. This is beyond a joke, what is this, a place to pick on people and point the finger and make someone feel down? Grow up the lot of you and find a real life person to snipe at and lord it over with your expert advice. BAW doesnt need all this at the moment. She was asking for advice, this is different than asking a bunch of people to point out in fine detail where she is going wrong, according to them.

Lemony lemon best summarised my point. It was that he appears to be taking the piss. My point was that when he's there at the weekends as a guest and the children are asleep he isn't spending time with the children and BAW is not getting space from him to think. It sounds like the worst of all worlds because he has just abdicated any real childcare responsibilities during the week where BAW has it all and then he's living at the house over the weekend. My point was not so much he must be punished by being made to be a mcdonalds dad but that when the children are asleep he doesn't need to be in the home so why has he got his feet under the table (him being the problem). In this current set up it sounds crap for BAW who has all the work and none of the fun/space, he gets all the fun and all the space I don't get what the point of asking him to live somewhere else on weekdays even would be surely disrupting the children is only worth it if you actually get space to think.

I wasn't sniping at the op, I wasn't judging her, I was explaining that I think he is taking the piss. Can everyone please untwist their knickers and if not maybe you'd be better suited to netmums.

Mint , I am very sorry for your situation and I echo all the advice given by the rather lovely MAHC

but you are seeing "sniping and bitching" against BAW here ? Really ?

as much as I would love you to have your own thread and benefit from all the advice that brilliant MN'ers can afford, and give freely of, you might need to be aware that sometimes it takes an outsider to point out that you are making a mistake and if you couldn't handle that, maybe MN is not for you

that is meant kindly, btw