Discovery of affair - crisis management help, please

[betrayedandwobbly]

I'm in shock and don't want to post details of what has been going on, but it's the discovery of H's major, longstanding emotional affair. I am in no fit state to even begin to consider whether to mend or end the marriage.

I need help on two things:

I have Not Just Friends on order from Amazon and have read nearly every word of dearpeggy.com. What other sites or books might help in these early days?

The DCs. They've noticed already that I'm bursting into tears for no apparent reason and am sad and distant. I've told them I'm ill (well, I keep feeling sick all the time so that's nearly true). But the weekend is coming and I'm worried that what has been sustainable between end of school and bedtime will just all collapse over two full days. Any wise words?

Maleview, if only life was so simple, when there are children involved it makes the whole process so much more difficult. You can't just boot him/her out of the door never to be seen again.

I don't really know what your post added to the thread really. I'm still with my cheating partner, we've worked through it but if we had have separated it wouldn't have been an easy process either, I wouldn't have just been able to 'dust myself off' and start all over again, we have a child to consider for a start as does the OP!

If only life were as simple as yours seems to be!

And actually not every post gives the same guidance!

Most do though.

My life wasn't simple. I had a child and I was the one who potentially would have seen them much less but the thought of getting back with someone who treated me with so little respect was too much.

I never kicked someone out of the door never to be seen again as we were both parents and worked together for the benefit of our child who is now a fine young adult and spends time with both of us. His mum has remarried and is happier, I have remarried and am happier.

Some people have affairs because they are unhappy and the relationship was poor in the first place as ours was. Is it not better in some instances therefore to accept that and move on?

Seem to have touched a nerve with you for some reason.

I'm a mixture of numb and fucking furious.

It was a full blown affair.

I have told him to leave and he's going tomorrow. He's agreed he'll get an STI check and show me proof of his health status.

Reason for delaying his departure until tomorrow is so we can talk after the DCs have gone to bed, work out the logistics of how he will stay in touch with them and what we shall say to them tomorrow to explain how things are changing.

I have no idea where we go from here.

So sorry to hear that. You need to get some space to take stock, on your own, without the added stress of having to put a brave face on for the children. Then you can start to know how you feel about it. My ex husband cheated with the wife of his closest friend, one of my closest friends, godparents to our children, holiday buddies... I realise now these things happen but 4 years later I have 2 regrets.

1. I did nt gather evidence before confronting him. He wiped texts and covered up other evidence straight afterwards and has always bizarrely denied it.
2. He initially moved out of the family home but I took him back. He then refused to leave saying he wanted to make it work and in the end it was me that felt I had to leave. Post divorce he still has the family home.

These regrets aside leaving was the right decision for me, after struggling for too long (1 year in the same house, 1 year in rented) trying to make it work, I wish I d thrown in the towel sooner! Hopefully your husband will behave better and if you get a true apology and heartfelt explanation of why he s behaved so badly then you might be able to move forward from this together. Depends how strong your relationship was before I think! I wish you good luck, and remember only you know how you feel, don t let people tell you how you should feel.

I think it's rather dangerous for everyone to urge her to force her DH to leave. Might be better to ask what caused the affair and can it be rectified without causing the devastation that a split would guarantee.

The site surviving infidelity is a support site for those who have been betrayed as well as the adulterers, they are a pro reconciliation site but will support you in whatever decision you make. H and I go for marriage counselling as well as individual counselling. We have read the books "Not Just Friends", "How to help your spouse heal from you affair", "Surviving Infidelity", "Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder", "Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken" and a lot of googling. H had an EA/PA and it is one of the toughest things I have ever gone and am going through.

maleview has a point

it saddens me that the majority of replies on these threads recently are all about "you can get over this, if he does X, Y, or Z"

why this apparent about turn ? When I first joined MN betrayed women weren't being so bombarded with "stand by your man, I did it you can too" and there were more "who the fuck does he think he is, this is unforgiveable"

OP, I am sorry this happened to you. But yes, there is an alternative. You can tell him that he simply crossed a line, he finished his marriage and no matter what practical considerations there are, you will get over them

Very glad you've got him to leave OP. You've given yourself some space to think which means that, in regards to 'where you go from here', you don't have to rush into anything, you can take your time now and be fully in control of whatever happens next. Consider talking to a trusted friend who has maybe been through something similar. Give yourself the opportunity to get past the raw shock of all this - when you can make rash decisions that you later regret - and work out how you really feel and what you really want. Also plan some events in your diary for you and the DCs to look forward to. Keep busy, and do whatever makes you happy.

Good luck.

The raw shock has left me totally numb right now.

And he's in shock: the discovery crisis was triggered by DH OW overhearing a phone call, so frankly H doesn't know what's hit him. Being told that this is no longer his home, and he comes here in the status of invited guest for agreed times only, has compounded the shock.

The challenge for him now is how he responds. I do not think he has grasped the need to face up fully to what he has done. And without that, there is nothing. I shall have to wait and see what the coming weeks bring.

I do not want to make any further decisions until I've had time and space.

Get yourself checked at the clap clinic too. Take control.

He has been dipping his wick elsewhere, not only putting himself at risk

Do not feel sorry for him . He will also have the wrath of OW's H to contend with. Boo Fucking Hoo. That is not your problem.

I agree with maleview too and I think there could be less of the "when you've got kids things aren't that simple" IMHO having kids has simplified things like that for me, someone could treat me really badly before the dcs because I suppose I don't see myself as deserving of nice treatment and wouldn't have a reason to demand it, having kids means my tolerance for dickheads who treat me badly is really low. I really object to the idea that a shit relationship between adults must be maintained "for the kids".

What a terrible shock for you.

try and get some sleep and eat and drink even if it is only a little at a time.

So sorry

You have done the right thing in asking for space and time - you won't know what you want for a while and you will need to process all your emotions without him hanging around making himself the centre of the whole drama.

Thanks.

I have decided to minimise everything his week (having the equivalent of an ongoing duvet day) and work out what I want to do and what I need to do. Then next week I start doing it.

Sleep is all over the place, and I'm still not remotely hungry (am drinking lots of fruit juice and smoothies so at least something is going in). One of my friends recently told me her weight loss was down to the divorce diet. You wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's highly effective.

Go with your first instincts and calmly remain in control. I found not shouting and losing the plot helped me to think about everything objectively and for the devilish days - allowed to think how to get back at him in small ways. (for the down days to cheer myself up a bit - I have a very mischeivious side!) Plus it wound him up more as I think he wanted me to shout to make him feel less guilty. Yeah right!
My DH had a one night stand several months ago and although our marriage still isn't quite right, its heading back in the right direction again. He has given me time to get over what he did and has made massive changes to show me that he means it and that I can trust him again. I told him what I wanted and left him to prove it and or all the other times, then there is I-trak!

An update: after a couple of days when he was in shock and so accustomed to lying that he sought to minimise what he's done, he's started to come clean (answering questions, and working towards proper full confession), he has unambiguously broken the relationship off, gone to STI clinic and booked GP appointment (long standing low level depression he would never have treated before). He says he takes full responsibility and is acting very remorsefully in general. He is entirely respecting his "guest" status when he visits at the weekends and is careful to make clear arrangements about when he may arrive. He says he is 100% committed to winning me back and reestablishing a functioning family.

So although I do not know if I can do that - the level of deception is too deep and too raw right now - I do think we have established a holding pattern in which I have the time and space to work out what I want. My mood is still yo-yoing so wildly and I just do not feel like myself, nor do I have faith in my own judgement. Goodness only knows how long that will take. And I am so angry that if he'd out a fraction of what he chose to give her into me and the DCs, our lives would have been so different.

"Working towards proper full confession" "unambiguously ended it" "totally respecting guest status" so he hasn't told you everything about what went on because he's still protecting his affair over you, he's told you he won't see her again and he is swooping in to your family and home every weekend to do the nice bits without having to do any of the hard bits?

He's admitted to all sorts of things when I've asked, good, bad and ugly (the good being not as bad as I was imagining, but pretty shit really).

I told him I that I didn't think all the work of discovery was down to me, and that he should tell me his account of the whole damn thing. He agreed, but as this came up shortly before he was due to leave and because I said that any holding back would be unforgivable, he's thinking about it during the week and will be doing it (or else) at his next visit. I think how he goes about it will be an interesting test, as it will be his considered account, not one he's been bounced into which therefore might be incomplete.

I'm not going to cut him off from the DCs, as they really don't deserve it, so his weekend visits will continue.

I don't think anyone has suggested cutting him off from his DCs. They need their father.

I hope you are being kind to yourself and talking to people in RL for support.

I took offred's post as meaning he should not be seeing the DCs in this way.

No, I meant it is bad for you all for him to be living at your house at the weekends whilst you are alone with the children all week. He is invading your space and he is also not having to take responsibility for the crap bits of parenting, he gets to be a single man during the week and a guest in your home at the weekend which to me sounds like it would be a brilliant set up for a lot of people not keen on taking responsibility.

(He shouldn't need to live in your house to see the dcs)