Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ps-just seen there is something coming on next on THe Wright Stuff programme about hubbys not giving stay at home mums money-if I was brave enough I would ring in and tell matthew my life story of financial abuse for the last 3 years! [Shock]

Haha Hilde sounds like a plan!!!

A great thing about putting together the OP for this thread is that it reminded me of all the brilliant links that are on it that I haven't read for a while. I read the first one last night, about verbal abuse. I didn't even look at it the first time around, as I've never been called a fing c or anything like that (he believes bad language is unimaginative. Well, would you believe it, he was all over that page - description after description.

fool, for you all over again. Much-needed boost of clarity, that was.

The really bad thing about putting together the OP was that when I clicked on the book links they came up in NSDH's Amazon account not mine as we'd used his to get free delivery on something the day before!!! I didn't realise till I'd clicked 3 or 4 of them and was then crapping myself (unimaginative :o) that they'd appear on his recommendations or something. They haven't, so I can breathe again. PHEW!!!

Charlotte

Highs,

Hildebrand your sons anxiety about needing to do a painting for daddy could be a number of things.
It could be him trying to be the same as the other child having both mummy and daddy.
It could be fear of real or imagined retribution if he does not do one for daddy too.
Or it could be that he wants to make daddy happy.
Either way, as has been said, it's not his job to fix his daddy's emotions. Your ex is behaving like a toddler, I can see why you are angry. Even if it is unwitting he is using the kids to his own ends, so selfish.
I guess all you can do is reassure ds that daddy is fine sank after what ds is bound to still care about him because he's a loving innocent child.

Thanks people for well wishes. I have been back to dr yet again and they say my back is nerve excited by muscle inflammation not disc so that's fab.

On the fw front he read my last posting and was furious. Said he would have had my here when she was well and that I'm painting him as a bogeyman.
My mum lives with my older brother who is an unsavoury character so I am not allowed to take kids over. However, I wanted to go myself and he watch ds2. He won't take me till fri when he is going to see his dad. He knows that ds1 won't let me leave to visit mum anyway. I tried to tell him how upset and worried I Amanda he says it's just life, we all get sick etc. it's her choice. If she lived alone we would visit.
All he has to do is take ds2 for a walk while I go in and see her and he won't do it.
Last ni

hilde the few hours to myself is such a new concept for me. I always had the children wherever I went when we were still together. How is your DS now?
I dropped the divorce bombshell last night. It seems he may have been under the impression that I would want to at some point try and save the marriage/realise what I've 'been missing'.
Saw the solicitor Monday. She was very good. I have since done an online calculation of ex's chances of remortgaging at his age and I think there would not be a chance of him affording it on his salary. The house will never sell in it's current condition. I am tempted to ask for one of his pension lump sums +10k which would get me a deposit and fees paid and be done, without the massive costs of going to court.

Hey all

Maggie, you sound like the break has done you good. Keep hold of how you're feeling, keep planning.

Charlotte - every step towards the full realisation is important. Glad you can see it for what it is!

hilde, my hand was on my chest as I read about your DS1 - he's not much younger than my DS1, and I worry so much about him. He's seen a lot. But I think Ginga is right, it could be a number of things going on for him right now. Talk to him. You might not get much from him at 5 (I tried talking to DS1 earlier - he declared himself 'fine' in all respects, this despite having now started hitting himself on the head when he gets upset ). Sometimes we can make more of a situation than they are, their perspective is different.
That said, you H is still a FW. I don't think his email response is reasonable at all. I try every time I see them to reinforce that they have done nothing wrong, it is me and I need to change myself.
If he's talking to them about the situation every single time he sees them, he's just reminding them over and over of it. He needs to not talk about it at all, just be normal, otherwise it's just another opportunity for him to talk about himself, to his captive audience. It's not 'hey kids what can we do to have fun'. It's still 'me me me'.

Ginga - do you mean he read your last post or the whole thread? That's a rotten thing for him to say, that it's your Mum's 'choice' to not live alone, which would allow him to allow you to visit her (although did you realise you gave away your RL name). Hope you are ok.

Hi Pony how are you? When I read what you said about your DS hitting himself on the head when he gets upset - FWIW, my ds did that a lot last year, bearing in mind we are still living with FW (until 1.12 ) - so therefore if it's a small comfort, it's definitely not you leaving that's caused it, it's the fw's behaviour that made us leave that may have caused it. Still horrible they have to suffer but also it's difficult to differentiate normal difficult growing emotions from fw-induced ones.

I have volunteered to sit upstairs with unsettled kids so fw can watch the footie. Am sitting in my room with laptop, , Christmas candle and low lights, listening to dcs slowly dropping to sleep in their rooms . A taste of things to come? Until FW came bustling up the stairs and asked me incredulously why do I always burn candles upstairs as they are carcinogenic - this being the first time I've done it and it's in my room btw. Very mild little incident of course, nothing in a normal relationship but so very symptomatic of the controlling, faddy, dogmatic, discounting, demeaning attitude he is constantly giving me.

Yes yes, to that sort of incident trying. I used to be accused of eating cereal and drinking my tea too loudly, like a horse at the trough.

Cereal! Good Lordy Lord, doncha know that's not a PROPER breakfast

That by the way is the comment I get every time fw is around for breakfasts (must have protein, is this all they;re having, this is crap food, etc etc) - God I hate weekends and his work at home days. Can you imagine, girls, life with them where everyone is retired and in the house together all day....arghhhhhh.

That being said, "my" fw is being annoyingly normal and pleasant right now - ok not normal to anyone in a truly normal relationship, but very low level fwittery for him - has he picked up on something on his fwadar? For the first time ever, I am kind of wishing he'd kick off like he usually does so I can feel spurred on - it's quite difficult maintaining my impetus to leave when he is being "normal".

I saw different lawyer on Monday. She totally got my situation though was a bit prissy about some things. But even she suggested I don't tell him our new address and she kept dcs' passports for me! I told her about the "clipping round head" of dcs and my own abusive experiences at his hands. She made notes, said better ss not involved but at same time not to be swept under carpet. I said, as I am leaving and thus removing them from this situation, I don't have any reason to fear ss, I don't think? Perhaps they can help me - isn't that what they're meant for Thoughts?

My Dsis is a social worker in family support. She said my leaving would be seen by ss as a protective measure by me, so I wouldn't worry.

I completely get the losing impetus when they are being 'normal'. I used to think I wish he'd punched me so I'd 'know' I should leave. It is all part of the control and head-fuckery though, isn't it?

Hey trying - glad to hear all systems are go for the 1st, just a couple of weeks now. We'll be rooting for you.

Sorry to hear your DS doing that too - it's a worry, isn't it? I know it's not me leaving that's done it, but I worry that I stayed too long and caused my poor lovely DS1 lasting emotional damage. But also may just be a stage thing. Am trying not to get too hung up on it.

You'll soon not have to worry about being around him when you're retired - a prospect that is straining for normal, healthy relationships, much less ones like ours!! I totally know what you mean about 'wishing' he'd kick off. It gives you a feeling that you are doing the right thing. It's when they are being normal(ish) that we doubt ourselves. I wouldn't be surprised if his radar has sensed a change in you and is trying in the only way he knows how to stop you from being anything other than the usual you that you are, ie the one that puts up with him.

No idea re your thoughts about SS - I think every situation is different - but glad you have seen a different lawyer who doesn't want to sweep it under the carpet.

Awwwww hilde. As my DS1 would say - no, you're not a good mum. You're a GREAT mum!!!! You're doing such fabulous things for your lovely kids. Your instincts are spot-on with them, and probably always have been. He's been holding you back all these years, making you doubt yourself, maybe because he was the one that couldn't cope so needed you to be down lower than he was. twat My NSDH did the same, told me my lovely, lovely DS1 was a spoilt brat (when everyone who he met complimented me on what a lovely boy he was with great manners), made me really doubt myself. You are doing a brilliant job, you are truly awe-inspiring. Truly.

I don't know how to get him stop using your DCs like emotional punchbags tho. He's just completely deluded as to what he's doing and the effects it's having on others. He can't see beyond himself, I think no matter how many emails you send it'll just make no difference.

What do you plan to do, pony re your flat - are you going to stay put for time being or eventually plan to get family home back (with absent fw obviously)?

I'm definitely staying put for now, trying. I have no real options to get back into the family home - NSDH always made it clear that he wouldn't leave the house voluntarily (that old 'entitled' word would come up frequently), so I would have had to raise an occupation order immediately I left. I decided not to, because ultimately, the mortgage company wouldn't have let me take over the mortgage on my own (self-employed, low income) so I would always have had to find somewhere else. So I felt I was better off, emotionally, trying to find somewhere more permanent for me and my boys from the start.

The flat isn't permanent - I'd like somewhere with a garden for the boys to play out in, eventually - but it's a damn good compromise, and I do really feel content and safe here. But then, we'd only lived in that house for about 11 months, and I never really felt like it was my home (it felt like I was in his home), so I didn't have that same emotional attachment, it was easy for me to walk away from it.

Hope all ok Ladies. My DS (18mths) has just started hitting his head too when I tell him off (I don't shout just use firm words). My DD did this too and she also suffered from night terrors and really bad tantrums. Tantrums are getting better but more than not she will have one if I leave her alone with FW-even if I've only nipped upstairs to the loo Am still sleeping on the sofa. FW one minute is telling me to leave and the next trying to hug me. Can't be doing with it! Detach detach detach! Night all-am knackered after all the blumming nit combing that I've had to do today, not that FW helped with any of it-but of course I had to do his head but no help when it came to me trying to do the back of my thick hair. And he couldn't even manage to settle DD into bed for once-she cried and cried and he shouted etc-cue mummy to the rescue (as always) this time with nit lotion dribbling down my face how on earth will he cope on his access days? Its a joke!

Ginga are you ok? Please let us know. Name change and make sure you delete your internet history so you cover your tracks. Take care.

Ps-have to tell you all this! My FW normally drops DD off at nursery on her 2 days she goes as he "wants to spend more time with her"(its a 5min car ride) anyway...today he announced he isn't taking her anymore or going near the nursery as....wait for it....all the "bitches" (nice nursery teachers to me and you) keep..."LOOKING at him". Would you believe it? They LOOK at him, how dare they! He has lost the plot!!!

His FWerty has also taken its toll on my looks-i have put back on the 2 stone I had lost over the summer. All back on in the last month thanks to comfort eating due to FWerty. And I am covered in spots on my face. Oh my life! What a stunner I am at the moment-oh and not forgetting some nits thrown in the mix!! Ok going to try and sleep now and stop boring you all!! blimey this sofa is so uncomfortable but still better than sleeping next to the snoring whale known as FW

Hope you slept ok, Maggie!

Really interesting what you said about the house, pony. That's on my mind atm - will I leave and find a new place or try to get him out of this one? My instinct was to get out and make a new start, but a friend suggested staying put and getting him to leave. It's true I chose this place (and nagged persisted till NSDH agreed to it) and it's true that it's just great for the family (or will be once all the work that needs doing is done) - or is it? It suddenly occurred to me that I chose this house out of the limited choice he made available - there were many places we couldn't even look at because he wrote them off as ugly. Much the same as he's condemned my looks in the past! I'd like to live in a nothingy house, just big enough for us all, with no work needed doing (I want to rent so it's not my responsibility!), close to the school and all the dc's friends. Might not even need a car, then.

Don't know when I'll tell him it's over. Want to wait till he goes on a work trip, then move out (subject to finding a house, of course, this will be early next year, I imagine) while he's away, but it feels a bit cruel to have him come back to the empty house and find out that way. Thoughts from those further down the line?

Who can I speak to about finances, does anybody know? Is there anyone who gives free advice? There's so much I don't understand; it would take a few hours to sort out.