DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

Spero wrote this:
And if as you say 'everyone' BUT her knows about it, then she also knows about it.

and I couldn't agree more

OP you then wrote this:
I last saw her in the latter half of October. I was moving something and doubled over with pain. She saw me, and came over to ask if I was okay. I thanked her and said I was fine, just stupid certain body parts not working correctly. She said something along the lines of, "Yes know that feeling!" then told me about wondering to go to a doctor. She would have seen me (along with several other women) speaking to DP that day.

So how on earth wouldn't she know about you two?

On the very slight possibility that your relationship has bypassed the workplace grapvine I really think that your DP has to tell her. If he thinks she will react badly, how the hell does he think she will feel when she not only finds out you are seeing each other but that you have been doing so for a YEAR!!! and that 'everyone' knows about it! The longer its a secret (if indeed it really is) the worse it will be when it comes out.

Is there any possibility that your DP could be having an affair with his ex? It just seems so utterly odd to me that 2 whole years after the relationship has ended and 1 year into your relationship he is still this involved. 2 years is a really long time!!!!

I don't think its fair to call you a doormat, but I do think that you may need to reassess your position in this relationship. Personally I would not be willing to live a lie for the sake of my Dps exDPs mental health. Life is too short and surely living in this way, knowing that you are lying to this woman (even if only by ommission) every time you see her can not be doing your own mental health any good!

Sorry i meant this post to be supportive, but the more I type the angrier I find myself, but I am angry on your behalf! I do feel that one way or another you are getting the short straw in all of this!

Finally I will end my rant by saying my mother had breast cancer 10 years ago. It was bad, it went undiagnosed for a long time and it had got into her lymphnodes so she needed pretty aggressive treatment. She is alive and kicking but she went through the mill with the treatments which were essentially those already outlined earlier by Zombie. The only thing I would add is that our house didn't look like a pharmacy (perhaps things have changed in teh last ten years) but my mother looked awful: she had a mastectomy, the chemotherapy made her loose her hair, vomit a lot and she was utterly exhausted. I may be wrong on this, but whilst not all chemo will cause hair loss the chemo you get to treat breast cancer will affect your hair, so if she is looking 'normal' then I would suggest that she has not had chemo.

Thank you for all of your input, really do appreciate it. Especially on the medical side of things. Though I am so sorry to hear of so many personal experiences

When I say we are in the same kind of work, we don't share a work place. We end up in the same place for things a handful of times a year. I don't want to say too much or might give any of our identities away, but "office gossip" as such isn't really an issue.

Its possible she has worked out we are together. Then again, she suspects him to be with anyone she sees him talking to. The last time I saw her, she stood glaring each time he was talking to a woman. Any woman. She then questioned all of us that she knew in turn about was he was X or sleeping with Y, etc. The more I say about her aloud, the more sorry I feel for her, actually.

She apparently had her scan same week as mutual friends, who was told she just had lumpy boobs (!!!).

Just reaslised I made a mistake, sorry - it was the latter half of September I last saw her, not October. I'm mot on the ball tonight. So about 7 weeks ago.

Nigella, my house didn't look like a pharmacy either. The only drugs I took at home during the chemo were the anti-nausea drugs. Those lasted for 3 days each cycle.

I did lose almost all of my hair, but not immediately. As best I can recall now it started during cycle 2 - i.e. much more than 2 or 3 weeks into the treatment.

Exhaustion? Oh, yes. Absobloodyfuckinglutey - to the point of being debilitating.

Luminous, even 7 weeks is far, far too short a timescale.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not just being a prize bitch by being suspicious of what she's saying at least. I do know the mutual friend who had a scan around the same time is also highly cynical, possibly more so than I am.

It is possible, I guess, that she has known for a long time, and is only now telling people, but that doesn't really fit. She was telling everyone about visiting the doctors when I last saw her, wondering if she should or not.

But on the other hand, this would be a very big lie to tell. Saying you have cancer is one thing. Saying you have terminal cancer? Huge.

Jesus am very confused. I have her email address because of work, and am trying very hard to forget that fact!!!

I do feel sorry for DP though. If she's telling the truth, he will loose someone he cared about for a long time. If she's lying, he will feel incredibly betrayed. He doesn't trust people easily, and this would really hurt him.

My alarm bells are ringing here about whether they have split up...are you sure he isn't feeding her 'nobody understands us, our love s jut too strong for us to keep our hands off each other, but we can't tell people because they will oppress us'?

I ask because I got fed that line a few years ago, and I used to accidentally on purpose call him my boyfriend in public and eventually got really clingy as it dawned on me that he was playing me - his excuse was that he didn't want to upset me by splitting up.

I never did anything like fake cancer, but then it didn't go on for two years. I did self harm and take a half arsed overdose. If she was unstable to start with, then him playing her (even to a lesser extent by just keeping the possibility open) would only make her worse - he isn't helping anyone but himself.

I also think she's lying.

I also think she know your with him or she knows he is with someone else which ua why she his pulled this outvthe bag.

Luminous I think that both you and your partner sound as if you are both sensitive, caring souls.
I can well imagine how/why your partner has found himself in this situation because of his ex-partner's suicide threats but, for everyone's sake, serious illness or not, he needs to cut contact with her.
I can see that he may feel that he is letting her down gently but in fact, every contact he has with her is just fueling her hope that he will get back with her.
In the long run, it would be kinder for her if he told her the truth.
This may well be the time to do that so that he does not get sucked in to her emotional situation - whether it is real or imagined.

"But on the other hand, this would be a very big lie to tell. Saying you have cancer is one thing. Saying you have terminal cancer? Huge."

Yes, it is huge. But from all your descriptions of her behaviour, it seems entirely plausible. That's just how badly she wants him. In her twisted imagination, she pretends to have terminal cancer, he is lured back, she will make a miraculous recovery, he will stay because he has realised through almost losing her that he cannot live without her. And they both live Happily Ever After. The End. Complete vindication of deploying the Big Lie.

The whole getting-found-out-and-completely-fucking-him-off scenario is beyond her fixation imagination. Absolutely not on her radar.

7 weeks is far too short a time scale.
I've had 4 friends go through breast cancer in the past two years. All with varying diagnoses and prognoses. Chemo cycles are in blocks with 3 weeks in between each treatment, this gives your immune system chance to recover before the next chemo.

WhereYouLeftIt, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Her behavior makes me think she has a personality disorder of sorts, to be honest.

WingedHarpy, I agree with you. But how do you say to someone "I know X has said she will kill herself, but I don't think she will, so I'd like you to stop seeing her"? :( And more than that, how do you say "I know (she says) she has terminal cancer, but I think she's screwing with you, and that you're actually going to cause her more difficulty by supporting her right now". He truly is frightened for her, and she has given him cause in the past to be.

Fatima, that's what I thought too, but since she's in a different area, so under a different NHS trust, I wasn't sure if it varied from place to place. I hope all of your friends are okay.

What did you say when she asked you who he was going out with?

So he went round last night? What did she say?

OP, are you seeing a councellor/getting CBT/or something right now? your "how do you say..." questions should probably best be explored with an expert...

I think you say it just the way you have said it.

What's the mystery? Whether she is ill or not his behaviour isn't helping her and it is upsetting you. If he can't deal with the simple expression of your hurt and why you are hurt, the difficulties here go way beyond her.

LuminousLaces,you've said that other people are aware of her past lies. Since your raising these past lies with him seems to not be an option, could one of them raise the subject with him? Along the lines I suggested previously -

"I need to talk to you about X. I think she may be trying to manipulate you into getting back with her. The reason I think this is because she has told lies before, for that reason. LuminousLaces and Z know about these lies. We kept them from you because we thought it would hurt you. But this is too big, and I think you need to consider that this diagnosis may be another lie."

So she has told him she has terminal cancer? Anyone else mentioned it at all?

I'd even go as far as to mention the possibility that he is lying to you, to stop you from telling her. To me, it sounds like he is taking advantage of your 'mental health condition' to get what he wants.

What Kinky said. I wonder whether this is a way for him to increase his "once every few months" visits, and I wonder whether he's ever stopped shagging her.

I'm with those who feel he is lying to you, rather than her lying to him. He sounds way too emotionally invested and I'm wondering why that is - my guess would be, because they haven't really split up. Why else wouldn't he just tell her he was seeing you and wave goodbye to the woman? Heck, you could be the OW :(
It is his behaviour you should be scrutinizing the most closely of all, not hers.

"He was actually going to tell her... And then this happened."

So often the case. Such bad timing.

'I do feel sorry for DP though. If she's telling the truth, he will loose someone he cared about for a long time. If she's lying, he will feel incredibly betrayed. He doesn't trust people easily, and this would really hurt him.'

You should be feeling sorry for yourself because this guy doesn't value your relationship enough to tell this person their relationship is over and he is moving on, no more visits, no more contact.

Incidents the OP personally experienced :
" ... when we first met at a works event (they had been split up 18 months by this point), she introduced herself to me as his girlfriend. Then gave a little laugh and said, "Well. Ex girlfriend, I suppose!"."

"Its possible she has worked out we are together. Then again, she suspects him to be with anyone she sees him talking to. The last time I saw her, she stood glaring each time he was talking to a woman. Any woman. She then questioned all of us that she knew in turn about was he [with] X or sleeping with Y, etc. "

So I think the OP can feel secure that they have broken up, and his ex knows it. She doesn't accept it, but she knows she's not his girlfriend any more.

Why is OP's boyfriend behaving like this? Several possibilities. He was with this woman for years and had probably been conditioned by her to respond (OP has mentioned he is afraid for/of her since she threatens suicide etc.). Or maybe it does stroke his ego that she can't get over him. Probably more possibilities, but those are the ones that spring to my mind. Whatever the reason, it is not healthy for either of them, as well as the OP.

Can you move on Luminous? All this he said she said stuff feels like it's going round in circles. Can you imagine what you will be doing in 3/6/12 months time. Discuss and book a future holiday with DP, where you want to go, how long for, or book tickets for the theatre. Take everyone's attention off the possibly (or not) dying friend.

I agree the put your foot down thing. I was in a similarish situation in the early days of my relationship with DH - but in that case it was his DD. She was in her early 20s and had become a heroin addict. I stepped right back and let him deal with the situation in the best way he saw fit. This involved spending lots of time with her and his (very) ex wife and cosy drinks in the pub. I was not particularly comfortable with this - but it was his CHILD and she had more need of him at that time that I did.

It is ENTIRELY different in this case. He split from this woman - or at least says he has - and has no need at all to carry on with any relationship with her, sick or not. I personally would be making that perfectly plain. His loyalty SHOULD be with you. If it is not, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.

Yes, I agree with Kinky and others. I think he's the problem here, his behaviour and the way he appears to be manipulating you is plainly wrong.