DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

'Expat, I hope this thread hasn't been painful for you, and I'm sorry if it has.'

No, no worries. I have already seen the most upsetting thing a person can see in the entire world. It does majorly piss me off when people lie about having cancer, no matter how messed up they are.

But again, that's by the by, this guy sounds suspect to me, no matter how great you think he is, he seems to feed off others peoples' crises and that's not healthy. You sound far healthier than you give yourself credit for. You acknowledge who you are, what your health problems and issues are, and actively seek to deal with them.

He doesn't.

The whole not telling her about you and him. After a year? Honestly, LL, you sound like a really nice person, and life is way, way too short to spend on people who don't put you ahead of their twisted ex with whom he has no children. She's a adult.

His pandering to her would ring alarm bells for me and really put me off.

But given my own experiences and those of others here, including those who are well aware of the protocol for breast cancer (I'm not, having only dealt with a paed case but one who had a very aggressive form of leukaemia with two genetic abnormalities, one of which was particularly damning), I smell a fat rat.

Her home should look like a chemist. These patients needs lots of drugs. Even terminally ill people are in need of many drugs, even at home. Terminally ill people who chose to stay at home have palliative care healthcare professionals who visit regularly.

I have not read all the thread, bar the beginning. Whatever the ins and outs of the situation, she is HIS EX. They are not together anymore. HE IS WITH YOU. They have no children together. Her illness should be none of his business. You seem to spend far too much time fretting over what lies she has told, and pretending you are not his girlfriend.

And what expat says - because if ANYONE knows - she does.

So you think YOU are being selfish by wondering about his reaction if you confront him? You are 'very secure in the relationship' just 'not in yourself' ?

Sorry, I read that and I think - he has really done a number on you. He is convincing you that any unease you think about this situation is a product of your own unhealthy mindset.

He wants to make everyone happy? If that is true then he is simply going to make everyone unhappy.

I just struggle to understand why you don't think you have every right to be pissed off and unhappy with his attitude towards his ex and publicly 'owing' your relationship. And if as you say 'everyone' BUT her knows about it, then she also knows about it. Unless everyone you know has signed a pact never to mention anything about you two, post anything suspcious on Facebook etc, etc.

Please, please, please say you are going to talk to him about this properly in the next few weeks. If he can't handle that conversation I think you have got to seriously question what kind of future this relationship has.

You deserve, as do we all, a relationship full of love, respect and HONESTY.

Perhaps I am a bit gullible, but I would wait for a bit, because IF she really is terminal, why give her any more pain to deal with (as you say yourself). I pressume from what you say about her character she is unlikely to have a support network.

I wouldn't resent my boyfriend being a support to an ex under the same circumstances, it shows what he is made of in a very good light in my opinion.

HOWEVER, if it is a lie and a desperate attempt to get him back, your boyfriend must totally cut her off without question for all your sakes.

Mutny - I know a girl who had terminal cancer who totally recovered - she was even looking into going to Switzerland for euthanasia. But sadly a very rare case.

You've said several times about how you fear being perceived as harsh/unkind/bitchy if you were to voice your doubts. Do you really think so?

If your dp can see the best in his ex, why do you suppose he would automatically jump on you for asking some questions? Surely he muct know you better than to think you're being deliberately malicious?

It is ridiculous. Someone with terminal cancer would not/should not be seeking out her ex boyfriend since 2 years for support.

If she had NOONE else then she would accept you as part of the package,

If I was terminally ill and a single parent, my ONLY consideration would be about my child.

It just sounds far too bizarre for me.

And yes i do remember Chinny Beard, havent heard that for bloomin ages

To answer a few questions - they were together for several years. He tried to end the relationship a few years before they actually separated, have heard this from various people, not just him.

I last saw her in the latter half of October. I was moving something and doubled over with pain. She saw me, and came over to ask if I was okay. I thanked her and said I was fine, just stupid certain body parts not working correctly. She said something along the lines of, "Yes know that feeling!" then told me about wondering to go to a doctor. She would have seen me (along with several other women) speaking to DP that day.

My mental health condition is quite a harsh one, and impairs my judgement. It also makes me very frightened of loosing people (again, maybe why I am slightly more understanding / patient with her). I hesitate about telling anyone I care about something they might not like or completely agree with. If it was just him I had these thoughts with, then yes, it would be down to him. But because its everyone, I know its me. I've recognised this recently, and am working on changing it, and having more confidence in myself. But that's by the by really.

Have just had a very interesting conversation with DP. He's now not going to see her tomorrow, as she has something on she'd forgotten about. But from what he said, I think he is somewhat suspicious of her too.

I also told him about feeling unable to tell him about my own health because of him dealing with hers. He told me I was being ridiculous, gave me a big hug, and told me he is perfectly capable of worrying about several people at once, including his fucking beloved football team.

I'm afraid I'm also in the "are you sure she knows they've split up?" camp. You don't live together, she doesn't know about you, he doesn't want to tell her about you - it's all bloody odd by anyone's standards.

X post

For various reasons, yes I am entirely sure they have split up. I think he's sending her unintentional mixed signals at times, but yes, am sure they've split.

Are you sure she doesn't know about you and your DP? Especially if you have mutual friends/aquaintences. Could somebody have mentioned it? Especially if your DP had hinted that he was dating it seems quite likely that she might have tried to find out more. And then she finds out you have health problems and your DP was also concerned about another friend with cancer... it sounds possible that she then hit on the perfect scheme to get his attention.

I think you've got to a point where you feel you are not allowed to express any needs or negative feelings because you don't want to be like her. I hope this isn't because your P has manipulated you into feeling that way, because he likes to play women off against one another. It's possible that simply watching her pathetic whinyarsery has been enough to make you feel that you have to be the strong and untouchable one, but it is OK to want support and reassurance from your partner, especially when you aren't well yourself.

I'm thinking the same as moajab. I think she knows you are a couple.

SolidG, its not the first. He always encourages me to tell him what I think, and when he can see I'm not being honest, reminds me that he's not going to leave me for disagreeing with him. Which is exactly what I need to be told. Possibly true on your second point, but mainly its my own deep burning issues.

OK, Luminous, you last saw her in the "latter half of October". That means within the last 3-4 weeks. In that time she has allegedly seen the doctor, been diagnosed and had 3 rounds of chemo.

No fucking way.

And at that point 3 weeks ago, she was still only thinking about going to the GP, because, ooh, coincidence, she had a lump just like that other colleague.
Her doctors surgery is one to sign up for if she even got an appointment that quick, let alone a referral and treatment.

Just read through your posts and tbh she sounds a lot like my stalker ex. He came up with allsorts including cancer I had him to court though as he got nasty.

I really think your dp is wrong, he isn't helping the situation by visiting her. In some ways it's cruel.

I hope you can get well as it can't be easy for you. Relationships are hard enough without being insecure.