DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

I really think he needs to tell her that you and he are in a relationship, Personally I think she is trying to pull a fast one as with the suicide threats.

I would put money on the fact she knows about you and this is why she is doing this

I disagree with the suggestion he is manipulating me. Obviously I am not explaining everything exactly because I am worried about any of us being identified. But -

~ I am entirely sure they have broken up. I overheard them talking once, around a corner so they couldn't have realized I would over hear. She was begging him to come back, saying she'd changed and she couldn't live without him. He rebuked her, told her to accept it and stop with the ridiculousness. I'm not the only one to have overheard such conversations.

~ She told me about considering visiting a doctor about a lump in her breast, so again, I don't think he is lying, if anyone is.

~ He is genuinely frightened of her taking her life. I highly doubt she would do anything - most likely make a half hearted attempt to gain his attention, but she certainly wouldn't kill herself. However, I think this is something, again, he needs to work out for himself. Me saying "Oh come on, if she was going to do it, she would have by now!" is not going to help. Having a mental illness myself, and having had friends suffering, if anyone had told me that I was over reacting and should step back, I would be furious.

~ He told me right from the beginning of our relationship that he had issues with an ex. He has told me every time he has been to visit her. I am also friends with his flat mate, who would tell me if he had mentioned seeing her apart from the five times I know he has seen her in the whole of our relationship.

~ It is perhaps relevant to say that the last time he saw her was the illness reveal. She told him this after accusing him of being with another girl, having seeing him talking to her at the last works event we were all at, and after telling him that her brother (I think?) had seen him kissing someone in a bar recently (me).

~ I highly doubt he is screwing her. Both of them complained bitterly for the last year of their relationship about their sex life, by all accounts. So its not a "booty call" thing.

So are you all pretty convinced she is lying? Or at the very least being flexible with the truth?

Again, thank you for your inputs, even those posts that I have disagreed with hugely have given me another angle to look at things from, and I appreciate that.

Yes I am pretty sure she is not telling the truth- if timing is as you say then it doesn't stack up.

"He rebuked her, told her to accept it and stop with the ridiculousness"

So why does he keep going to see her?

It really makes no sense-as if he can´t quite let go either.

But then that still leaves you where you are doesn't it OP.

Who is the common denomiator in all this? It isn't you is it?

The facts are you are with a man that hasn't declared he's with you which is ridiculous after a year, totally ridiculous.

I get the fact that where kids are concerned then maybe you have to take a back seat for a few months but there are no kids involved where he's concerned.

You are a bloody pawn in this, wake up.

It is perhaps relevant to say that the last time he saw her was the illness reveal. She told him this after accusing him of being with another girl, having seeing him talking to her at the last works event we were all at, and after telling him that her brother (I think?) had seen him kissing someone in a bar recently (me).

This is the bit that makes me suspicious. The illness coming so soon after she had seen him talking to a girl.

Sorry i havn't read the whole thread (just the first and the last page), i find some of it a bit odd. She is his ex and they split quite a while ago, even if she does have cancer she should not be using it as a reason to get closer to your dp. If i found out i was ill i would not want support from a ex (wouoldn't want someone to feel they had to be with me because i'm ill). Also the dates dont add up (from dx to chemo etc..).

I would be worried, maybe sugest to your dp that he goes with her to her next appointment (just to see how she reacts and if she agrees). She sounds as though she may have mh issues (what with the suicide threats) so you need to tread carefuly. It must be hard for you though, not sure how i would cope if dh's ex was behaving like this (well i know dh would not offer her any support as he hates her guts).

Time you were outed as they say OP.
Your relationship is being treated as a dirty little secret and after a year you deserve better than this.

Have you asked your DP when he intends to tell her--if ever. He is not protecting her, he is protecting himself.
Could it be it does give him a bit of a kick to have 2 females lusting after him and that he actualy enjoys this adoration and attention from her.?

Well we can only guess about whether she is lying or not. We have even less information than you! Time will tell on that. You are focussing on whether she's lying or not as though it was the most important thing. It's not.

The most important thing is the fact that whatever the truth of what she's saying, he's listening!

He's chosen to keep you a secret.

That's your problem - not whether she's lying - or even dying.

He is genuinely frightened of her taking her life. I highly doubt she would do anything - most likely make a half hearted attempt to gain his attention, but she certainly wouldn't kill herself.

Actually you cannot know whether or not she would kill herself. You may think you know but you do not. And it is not healthy for you or your ex to modify your behaviour according to your beliefs or suspicions, you need to use facts. If she voices suicidal thoughts, the right thing to do is to notify mental health care or police. Being "frightened" or disbelieving is pointless.

Same with the cancer, you need to put aside the amateur detective carry on and go with the facts. She is his ex. He needs to detach. Adjusting one's life to another's on threat of illness or death is never healthy. We die as we have lived and we live as we die. So whether or not she is dying, she will remain manipulative/stalkerish and whether or not she is dying your partner will continue to be manipulated. Until one of them decides to change. But the only control you have in this is over your own behaviour. If you are uncomfortable with your partner's involvment, you need to voice it and give him opportunity to change.

He's playing you, LL. You don't think he is, but by continuing to see this woman, not telling her about you and him, involving you in all this ridiculous and immature drama (Is he 18? People act like this sometimes when they're young, most outgrow it) he is getting something out of it.

And it isn't you.

It has nothing to do with your own mental health or even you at all. It's about him feeding off the drama of two grown women. That is not healthy, at all, for you (sod him).

She told him this after accusing him of being with another girl

you can't 'accuse' someone of something that they are perfectly entitled to do? And 'another' girl would suggest more than one girl in your DPs life - in other words, her.

I am not suggesting that he has been anything other than honest with you and I realise that you might have been sumarising using your own words, but if that was the tone of what your DP told you, he really needs to be clear to her that she can't 'accuse' him of anything as she is not connected to his relationships and it's ridiculous that he didn't retaliate by telling her the 'other' girl was his partner. She might actually back off a bit if she realises he is in a serious relationship. As long as she believes he is single, she has hope, which isn't fair on her or you.

Anyway - that's all an aside for now.

I would push for him to get clear answers about her diagnosis. If she is lying - there is even more reason for him to be clear that he is in a serious relationship, if she is not, it is important that your DP understands exactly how 'bad' things are. Cynical as it sounds if she is not lying but has exagerated, there is the danger that she has him at her beck and call for years - literally.

He should support her in the way that a friend would. Of course he should, but it shouldn't consume your lives.

Sorry Jaded, that bit was phrased badly, I meant that she had named another woman, other than me. Who actually happens to be gay She is amazingly suspicious.

Not young, they're both mid forties. Though not saying those of you about forty are old

Doha, like I said upthread, he was going to tell her, and then she said this. Which I admit is one of the reasons I am suspicious. I think she guessed what was coming, and so came out with something drastic enough to stop him from telling her the last thing she wanted to hear.

I know since the diagnosis she has asked him to visit more, and he has refused. And that he has told her that we are very close.

I do agree that he is doing more harm than good by allowing her to continue to indulge in her "we will skip off into the sunset" delusion by not telling her he is with someone. TBH I don't care whether he names me or not, but actually just for her state of mind, she should know he isn't available.

It all feels very messy.

'It all feels very messy.'

Because it is, and there is only one person who is making it so. That is your boyfriend. You think he's nice? I don't. I don't think a person who does this to a girlfriend who obviously cares for him a great deal is nice.

He is an adult and so is she. You break up. She clings on. You tell her in NO uncertain terms that it's O-V-E-R and please move on. Then you cut all contact because she is too unstable to be friends. If she continues, it is stalking and you get the police involved.

But you don't keep visiting, being involved, or have a relationship with someone else and keep it a secret.

Can you see that? That is ridiculous, melodramatic, immature, and very, very warped.

It seems to be all about her! If she is genuinely ill then that is very sad. The thing is this HAS NOTHING TO DO AT ALL with you and your DP. Absolutely nothing. He doesn't need to see her, support her or or do anything, and YOU OP should not need to give her any headspace at all. Either she is his EX or she is not. WHY does he keep going to visit her? I have never visited any of my ex bfs once let alone half a dozen times.

I think it's all about him. People do what works, and on some level, he is getting something out of his behaviour or he would change it.

Sorry to repeat myself, but you said she asked a group of you who he was seeing, why didn't you tell her?

I agree Expat....great posts....

Bella, she asked about each other. She asked me about Y, asked Y about X and asked X about me, for example. And when she asked me about this other woman, it was after I had witnessed her having a melt down over the fact she wasn't with DP any more, so I was actually concerned for her mental well being. Even if she had asked me outright, "Are you with him?", I really don't know what I would have said.

But you don't need to be concerned about her - that is the point. She is NOT your problem.

What reason does your dp give for visiting her still?

Ok this is going to sound incredibley cruel and I May well be roasted alive for it but here goes...

If (and its a big if) she really is terminally ill why doesn't your ex tell her about you? What's the worst that could happen?

Believe me i cringed when writing that but seriously its something to be considered!

I agree with the poster (sorry I cent mind post easily again on phone to get ur name) who said the only problem you actually have is dating a guy who keeps you a secret! That's all it boils down to!

You deserve better than this!

What Porto said.

She and her mental health and her life are your problem because you are involved with a person who makes them his problem. Why? Who knows? But he is getting something out of it or wouldn't behave as he does.

And it is costing you. You may not realise it, but it is.

essentially this is about your dp and ex,not much your call I'm afraid
he needs to ascertain facts,what appts,clinic etc does she have.has it been corroborated by reliable external source?
as his dp you need to know what happening but not get directly involved. but you can legitimately ask him why he's not discussed he in relationship with you